This column appears in the Feb. 22 issue of ESPN The Magazine.
There's an iPhone app that finds the nearest sports bar. There's an iPhone app that tells you what Phil Mickelson would do. There's even an iPhone app that makes your phone sound like a gun firing. (Great fun in the Wizards' locker room!)
In fact, there are more than 140,000 iPhone apps. And yet our athletes and coaches still don't have ...
WifeBlock Allows you to remotely change the outgoing voice mail message on your mistress' cell phone. Free bonus app: Monitor Perkins' waitress hirings across the country!
Spot Up! You have 30 seconds to find all 12 differences in Jerry Jones' face from 2001 to 2010.
BCEstimator Using advanced mathematical computing techniques, this sophisticated app determines indisputably which two college teams should play in the BCS championship game. The answer, 12 years running? "Have a playoff, dipwads."
Do Me a Favre How old are you in Brett Favre years?
iPhil Translates whatever Phil Jackson just said into English. For example, when the Lakers coach says, "I've studied Zen koans for years," iPhil tells you that Zen koans are a Buddhist paradox that forces monks to abandon reason, not the name of an ex-Bull. Also included: One-paragraph summaries of the book Phil gave you that you didn't read.
Poker Pal Plug in how many hours a day you play, multiplied by how many days a week, divided by hours exposed to sunlight. Poker Pal will then project the exact day you'll die of rickets.
The Least Interesting Man in the World Intimate look at what Colts QB Peyton Manning is doing right now. Look in one day, and he's watching film. Check in the next, and he's breaking down film. Comes with Manning's 10,000 Least Interesting Quotes.
High-Test Artest Ron Artest's complete collection of cocktail recipes made from Hennessy and ingredients readily available in most NBA locker rooms. Try a Red Hot Stinger! (Hennessy, Cramer's Red Hot balm, ice; stirred with a tongue depressor.)
Where Is Matt Stairs' Stereo? Hours and hours of handheld fun. Navigate your mini-Matt through all the MLB stops he's made, including Montreal, Boston, Oakland, Chicago, Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Texas, Detroit, Toronto and Philly. Coming soon (if Matt makes it out of spring training): San Diego.
iPhil translates Phil Jackson
Albert's Holes The essential tool for facing Cardinals god Albert Pujols. Includes new pitches to learn when Pujols has already jacked out all of yours and new career paths to explore after Prince Albert drives your ERA higher than your weight.
Annoyamaton Sounds to drive your opponent insane! Includes the famous Tiger Woods fartmaker, plus "golf-ball-hitting-1997- Subaru-window," "last-bowling-pin-tipping-over" (use when opponent has already turned his back to lane, dejected), and (for 40-and-over hoops games) "Achilles-tendon-snapping" sound effects. For only 99 cents, add the always-popular "engine-falling-off-wing." It's great for those long overseas flights!
Cop an Altitude See how high you are right now. Endorsed by Ricky Williams.
iSack Whip your phone out after sacking an NFL quarterback and instantly check which dances are left and which are taken. Pretend to rope a calf? (Minnesota's Jared Allen); Hulk Hogan coming off top rope? (available); nonsensical spasmodic gyration? (San Diego's Shawne Merriman); pretend to take out a shovel and "bury" prone QB? (available).
King High Flush Be cyberposterized by LeBron James! Choose from three different position choices: a) Shoe in Your Mouth; b) Butt on Your Head; c) Knee in
How Bad Izzit? Plug in what you did, number of TV stations in town and distance (in miles) to Gloria Allred. Score 0-30: Stay low, it will pass; 31-70: Blame cops; 71-100: Automatically links you to a database of reality-TV agents.
Real Gone Gear E-auction app gets you great discounts on coaching clothes from the likes of Mike Leach (L), Charlie Weis (XXL) and Mark Mangino (XXXXXL). This week's special: Hundreds of Pete Carroll "Trojan Forever" golf shirts.
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