by Mike Philbrick

Also Receiving Votes


  • Odds on whose suffering we enjoy the most:
  • 10 to 1 Giants fans
  • 5 to 1 Notre Dame fans
  • 3 to 1 Red Sox fans
  • 2 to 1 Too difficult to choose

Not In This Issue

  • Red Sox Nation calls for UN to send in peacekeeping troops
  • Terrell Owens stocks up at pharmacy to steal limelight back from Tank Johnson
  • Knicks offer Anucha Browne Sanders $1 million salary cap exception
ESPN Conversations


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  • Things You Can Buy With $125,000 Instead Of Bailing Out O.J.
  • 1 62 Lifeboats

    The Red Sox lost again Wednesday night. Their lead in the AL East is down to 1.5 games. Oh, and pitcher Hideki Okajima is out with the always scary "tired arm." So, buying your favorite (or least favorite) Red Sox Nation member a four-person lifeboat is the least you could do. While the thought of them completely drowning in their misery is tempting, having them aimlessly float around praying to be saved isn't so bad either.

  • 2 1,106 O.J. Simpson Autographed USC Helmets

    Are you currently in Florida? Are you nervous that O.J. Simpson is out on bail and on his way back home to the Sunshine State? Don't worry, it's going to be OK. Here's what you do: Buy an O.J. helmet, put it in a public location, then call the Juice and tell him where it is. He'll probably scream, "I want my stuff! I want my stuff!" and/or, "Don't let nobody out of this room!" Keep doing this until his trial is over and you'll always know where he is. Everybody's safe, everybody wins.

  • 3 13,904 No. 8 Magnets

    Now that Dale Earnhardt Jr. is going from No. 8 to No. 88, we all have some work to do. For starters, you might want to pick up a few No. 8 magnets and start sticking them on top of all the "8s" you have around the house. There's the Chevy pickup, the RV, the beer cooler, the backup beer cooler, the emergency backup beer cooler, the just-in-case beer … you know what, 13,904 might not cover it.

  • 4 781 Authentic Ted Lilly Jerseys

    After losing on Tuesday, the Cubs desperately needed to win Wednesday night to stay in first place in the NL Central. So who better to call on than Ted Lilly (9-1 after a Chicago loss this season)? On three days' rest, Lilly turned in a line of 7 IP, 5 H, 2 ER, 8 K in a 3-2 Cubs victory. If you value the potential of seeing Lou Piniella explode in October, you should do what's right and pay homage to Ted Lilly by setting yourself up with an official jersey. Besides, stripes are slimming. Seriously dude, what haven't you been eating?

  • 5 418 Milwaukee's Best Neon Clocks

    Unlike the All-Star Game that was played in Milwaukee, MLB games don't end in a tie. If that were the case, the Brewers' two-run game-tying rally in the ninth inning on Wednesday in Houston could have ended it. Unfortunately, they played another inning and Hunter Pence drove in the winning run, giving the Astros a 5-4 win and the Brewers a one-game deficit in the NL Central. Why not commemorate the occasion with a nice Milwaukee's Best clock to remind us: What time is it? Oh, it's time for the Brewers to lose another must-win game. Or it's time for Ben Sheets to get hurt again.

  • 6 81 One-Way Tickets From Salt Lake City To Moscow

    According to a Russian blog on Sport Today, Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko isn't happy and wants out of Utah. He doesn't like coach Jerry Sloan and he doesn't like the diminished role he has on the team. The fact the Jazz made it to the Western Conference finals last season and he has three years remaining on an $86 million contract -- those things didn't seem to come up. So if you feel bad for AK-47, head on over to your local Delta Airlines counter and pick him up a gift certificate and help bid him a fond farewell.

  • 7 96 Home Defibrillators

    The Mets won! No, seriously, they beat the Nationals 8-4 Wednesday night. Look it up. And the Phillies lost Wednesday, so the Mets' lead in the NL East is back up to a still scary 2.5 games. Mets fans are hardly out of the woods. Despite the win, the Mets had another three errors in this game -- that gives them 13 in the last four games. Well played guys. Win or lose, the people of Flushing need your help. Please give generously by donating a home defibrillator kit. At the very least they can use them on David Wright's glove.

  • 8 33 High-Definition MiniDV Camcorders

    Why not start your own scouting service to help your favorite NFL coaches? Get yourself a nice camera and get going. Now, the Patriots taught us you can't do it on the sidelines during the game, and Terrell Owens taught us you can't even make fun of it when you score a touchdown (that will cost you $7,500 for "improper use of a football"). But what's to stop you from taping coaches and players when they're out at a restaurant with friends or with someone that might not be their wife or girlfriend? There are people in Foxborough, Mass., who would probably value that competitive edge.

Thursday September 20

  • 1 Texas A&M at Miami: 7:30 pm, ESPN

    How will the Canes overcome the No. 20 Aggies Thursday night in Miami? A&M comes in with 63-year bragging rights (the two teams haven't played since 1944), while the Canes come in with a 1-6 record against ranked opponents the past two seasons. Looks like they're going to need a pep talk from Lamar Thomas if they want to keep it interesting.

  • 2 "Survivor: China": 8 pm, CBS

    Expect Mark Burnett to pull out all the stops when his franchise makes its first foray into China. Spoiler alert! First contestant to evict 1,000 families from areas surrounding Olympic venues wins the Immunity Challenge!

  • 3 "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?": 8 pm, Fox

    If you're not around to catch this tonight, don't worry. You can watch reruns of this show in February on the NFL Network, when it airs under its alternate title "Inside the Wonderlic Exam."