THOUGHTS WHILE WONDERING WHY DICK POUND DOESN'T HAVE HIS OWN TALK SHOW ... I haven't plowed through them yet, but I'm setting the over/under of e-mails from readers calling A-Rod "Mr. March" at 534.5. Will the NFL Network show the entire funeral for Edgerrin James's fantasy career, or will they just be running the highlights? You're lying if you didn't get a little choked up when Edgar got the Silent Clock last week. I think I would have paid $10,000 to see Craig Littlepage punch out Jim Nantz and Billy Packer during the Selection Show last night. Screw that -- make it 20 grand. Hey, do you think Christian Laettner gets drunk once a week, watches the Duke-Kentucky Game, then wonders where the wheels came off? Four thoughts on the Sopranos: 1. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think Tony's going to be OK. 2. Vito Spatafore should absolutely be wearing a Yankee hat at all times. 3. I couldn't be more excited to have Paulie Walnuts back in my life. 4. HBO is the same network that has shown violent prison rape, intravenous drug use, real-life stabbings and live autopsies over the years, but nothing compared to the sight of Janice Soprano breast-feeding. You know you're in for something horrifying when a 45-second hanging scene comes in second as the most scarring moment of a TV episode. Who was scarier last week: The little girl from the "Hills Have Eyes" commercial ... or Al Davis emerging from the NFL owner meetings? It's officially the end of an era: I found out that Pearl Jam has a new album coming out and wasn't even remotely excited. Would you be even remotely surprised if Bill Belichick used a fourth-round pick on Alton from "The Gauntlet?" Me neither. My favorite sports moment of 2006: Trot Nixon leading Syracuse to the Big East championship. My second-favorite moment: John Thompson's TNT interview with a rehabbing Penny Hardaway last Thursday, which included the question, "Do you think you're a hypochondriac?" and Thompson coldly saying, "I think your career is over" as Penny hemmed and hawed in disbelief. I think Thompson reached "I'm Keith Hernandez" status about 20 years ago. Can we have him interview Sebastian Telfair's girlfriend next? My third-favorite moment: Denny Green getting in shape for the upcoming season by hiring Aretha Franklin's personal trainer. Wait, Evander Holyfield had his boxing license revoked? What?!?!?! He seems totally fine! The best part about playing craps with Kobe: Watching him eventually drift over to the "DON'T PASS" line. Please tell me that A-Rod and Jason Varitek are miked throughout the World Baseball Championships, and that every awkward interaction is being captured for some sort of documentary. Please. Pretty please. That reminds me, I'm rooting for the Dominican Republic in the WBC for two reasons: (1) David Ortiz; and (2) David Ortiz. I'm drawing on 15 years of reality-TV experience to make the following statement: New York's subdued reaction in the limo after getting booted of "Flavor of Love" was the most disappointing reality-TV moment of all-time. You know your baby's hungry when she starts grabbing your face and trying to eat it like Hannibal Lecter. Put it this way: I'm plowing through boxes of Topps NBA poker chips on eBay like Miguel Tejada goes through B-12 shots. One more addition to the "Reasons why it's OK to start drinking before 10 a.m." list: The mere thought of Adam Vinatieri kicking for the Cowboys next season. When you really think about it, that play-in game between the No. 64 and No. 65 seeds is almost like the "Do you have a gambling problem?" litmus test. Top-four things that make "Heat" even more entertaining 11 years later: (1) President Palmer agreeing to drive the getaway car; (2) every scene with Henry Rollins; (3) Jeremy Piven's hairline; (4) Pacino's "She's got a great ass ... and you got your head all the way up it!" scene (which ages like a fine wine). Well, Charlize Theron broke up with Stuart Townsend, and you know what that means ... Stuart, welcome to the Fisher Stevens Club! Here, Chad Lowe and Jon Tenney will show you to your locker. I have an announcement to make: "Are you ready for Maggette?" has replaced "Who wants to sex Mutombo?" as my favorite NBA urban legend. Wait a second, "Basic Instinct 2" is coming out soon, it's going to contain loads of sex ... and Sharon Stone is starring in it? We're all OK with this? Is this more or less disturbing than the news about "Rocky 6?" Are they going to use those blurry cameras for the sex scenes that Barbara Walters uses for her interviews? Is Stone's goal to become the oldest woman that anyone's been attracted to since the grandma on "Who's the Boss?" I'm reeling from this. But seriously ... I own Bernie Mac and Michael Rappaport in NBA.com's fantasy league to the point that I might pay taxes on them next month just to be safe. I wish there was a way to wager on things like, "There's absolutely no freaking way in hell that Amare Stoudamire comes back this season." Finally, my mom's take on Brokeback Mountain: "I don't want to see it -- not because I'm against gays or anything, but because I hate cowboys."
Bill
Simmons
Simmons