Got a problem? Ask Coach Belichick!   

Updated: November 2, 2007, 2:03 PM ET

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Have a problem you just can't find a solution to? We've all been there, but why worry about it when all you need do to solve all your problems is Ask Coach Belichick?

Take a read as the sage wisdom flows from the architect of three Super Bowl championships:

Dear Coach:
I thought that encouraging my football team to celebrate their first touchdown en masse in a game against our longtime conference rival would be a good idea, a way to fire my guys up. Now I'm not so sure, even though we won the game. I've already written a letter of apology to the University of Florida and the Southeastern Conference. What else can I do to show good sportsmanship?
-- Embarrassed in Athens

Your first mistake was feeling shame. Your second mistake was apologizing. Your third mistake was endorsing such a timid, namby-pamby celebration. The next time your team scores first, have them gather as a group, then mark their territory by lifting their legs and urinating on your opponent's end zone, goalpost and mascot. If the referee subsequently throws a flag, punch him in the face. Then urinate on him, too.

Remember, "sportsmanship" is loser talk.
-- Bill

Why did you steal my clothing? I'm a homeless man, for goodness sake. I barely have anything. Then you walk by on your way to some romantic dinner with a hot mom on your arm and just take all my clothes. What gives?
-- Homeless on Hanover St.

What can I say? I like the look. I'm just going to call this a misinterpretation of the rules. I didn't know that it was wrong to steal from homeless people. I figured that since they don't really have anything to begin with, how is it possible to steal nothing? But then I misinterpret rules all the time.

Not really sorry,
-- Bill

Dear Coach: I really, really like this little red-haired girl in my class. She's so sweet and pretty. I want to give her a valentine, but I'm too scared to go through with it. Help!
-- Confused in "Peanuts"

Forget the valentine. Throw it in the trash. You see the little red-haired girl, you grab her and lay down the lip-lock. Thank me later.
-- Bill

I'm writing you for advice. My team is undefeated, like yours, but no one really thinks we're that good. Plus, I have the added pressure of being a Heisman candidate. Our schedule finishes up with Florida State, Maryland, Clemson and Miami. I'm worried we're going to fall apart down the stretch.

Any tips?
-- Matt in Boston

First of all, you have to be confident. Smug, even. Actually, just be a condescending a--hole. It's worked well for me. Second, how did you get all of those tough teams on your schedule? I know you can't change it this season, but you need to get in an easier division. Fill your schedule with the equivalent of the Jets, Bills and Dolphins. Temple, Duke and Notre Dame, for example. And then try to play each of them twice a year.

Finally, if you want to win the Heisman, make yourself stand out from the pack. Wear an ascot, hug a goat, impregnate a B-actress, date a supermodel.

Do all that and maybe I'll see you on my team next year. This Cassel is a zero.
-- Bill

Dear Coach:
I have a new album out. I need to promote it. There's just one problem: I can't figure out how to shock anyone. I mean, shave your head, kiss Madonna on MTV, flash your bits for the paparazzi, try to whiten your infant son's teeth, make air quotes for Matt Lauer …

… it's all been done. By me! So now what? How do I get people to pay attention?
-- Blacked Out in Los Angeles

Blacked Out:
You lack commitment. Are you out? Or are you really, truly in? Shaving your head is cute. Tattooing your bald scalp with the image of a weeping Virgin Mary reading US Weekly is hard-core. And hard-core is what you need to be. Record a sex tape with R. Kelly, Paris Hilton and Henry Kissinger, scored to "Singin' In the Rain." Dangle a diapered Michael Jackson off a hotel balcony. Score an interview with Tom Cruise the next time he has a movie to promote.

The key? Don't settle for field goals. Score touchdowns. And dump that loser Romo.
-- Bill

Dear Coach:
I'm starting to think that maybe I didn't handle the whole SpyGate thing all that well. Did you really hand over all of the evidence that would implicate you in any wrongdoing? If not, can you do so now? Please? Pretty please? I would really appreciate it.
-- Roger

You're funny. You make me laugh. And I almost never laugh. But, yeah -- I TOTALLY gave all the evidence that would implicate me. Yep. Totally.

Thanks for the e-mail, though. You looked funny when you're were writing it, all shaking and weeping and stuff. (I have a surveillance camera in your office.)
-- Bill

Dear Coach:
I've been diplomatic, tried tough talk, asked friends to intervene. I've even sent a few carrier battle groups into the region. Nothing works. Iran continues to pursue its nuclear program -- and if I press them too hard, they just might make my life in Iraq even more miserable. What's a near-lame-duck secretary of state to do? I'm running out of time.
-- Discouraged in D.C.

Military historians generally concur that the Galactic Empire grossly miscalculated by using the Death Star to destroy the planet Alderaan; instead of establishing a credible, fear-based deterrent, the Empire's sheer evil overkill rallied the ragtag Rebel Alliance, gave Luke Skywalker and Co. a huge propaganda victory and ultimately led to the Battle of Endor, in which the Empire's finest soldiers were no match for a band of teddy bears who otherwise would not have been pissed off. Personally, I disagree with this analysis. The Empire stumbled by stopping with Alderaan; they should have blown up a dozen more inhabited planets to make a clear point.

What does this mean for you? Simple. A single Trident II missile contains up to eight nuclear warheads; a single Ohio-class submarine carries 24 Trident II missiles. The United States Navy has 14 Ohio-class subs in its fleet. Do the math.
-- Bill

I play for an NFL team. We keep running up the score on our opponents and I think it is wrong and not sportsmanlike. How can I put an end to this?

Should I confront my coach?
-- M.C.

Is that you, Matt Cassel?! I knew you were trying to sabotage me. Here's a tip: There's no way to put an end to it. But if you keep chucking interceptions, I'm going to put an end to your career -- how's that? And, no, you should not confront your coach if you want to live. He'll rip your heart out in front of you and take a bite out of it like it's an apple.

You're a loser, Cassel. A loser.
-- Bill

Sound off to Page 2 here.


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