By Jim Caple
Page 2

Ann Coulter's editors must get her in the mood to write by chaining her to a tree in the woods, starving her for a week and poking her with sharp sticks. How else to explain the venomous anger? In her newest book, Coulter blasts four Sept. 11 widows, calling them the "Witches of East Brunswick" for their opposition to President Bush's terror policy. "These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzies," she writes. "I have never seen people enjoying their husbands' death so much. ... And by the way, how do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy."

All this mean-spirited outrage got Page 2 wondering: What would Ann Coulter be like if she were a sportswriter? ...

"I don't know why all the liberals are so upset that Ben Roethlisberger wasn't wearing a helmet when he crashed his motorcycle. Why would Easy Rider need a helmet when he apparently has a solid block of cement for a skull? It's just a damn shame he's going to be OK -- it would have been better had the accident turned Evel Knievel into a quadriplegic. Maybe if he had to spend the rest of his sorry life relying on Nurse Ratched flipping him over to prevent bedsores, he might finally understand what a terrible example he set for our nation's youth -- and more importantly, how he jeopardized Pittsburgh's Super Bowl hopes -- by riding without a helmet. How do we know he wasn't on his way to meet a prostitute, anyway?"

"According to Hollywood and the liberal media, this nation is a cauldron of ethnic hatreds positively brimming with violent hooligans. But where are our hooligans when we need them? I see story after story about foreign hooligans at the World Cup but never a word about American hooligans. What does a girl have to do to get an angry, club-waving mob of American skinhead hooligans on its feet? People, the World Cup is filled with foreigners who hate us for our freedom. Iran is one of the countries competing! Let's get out there and teach them all a lesson they'll never forget. I don't want to see any more stories about international brotherhood and friendly competition between nations; I want to see American skinhead hooligans going into those stadiums and kicking some foreign ass. It shouldn't be too hard -- after all, a lot of the fans are French. And don't be nervous about spilling some blood -- just consider it a pre-emptive strike. I mean, how do we know they aren't planning to ship dirty bombs to the U.S.? Beside, they have their precious socialized medicine to take care of them. ..."

"Muhammad Ali might have been a good boxer but I'll never call him the greatest anything except maybe the Greatest Traitor. I'm getting tired of how he hides behind this Parkinson's disease thing so we can't criticize him. Frankly, I wish George Foreman had hit him so hard he suffered permanent brain damage back in Zaire and couldn't leave Africa and we would never have to listen to him again. He would fight anything for a paycheck -- including a kickboxer -- but he was too good to fight for his country. He tossed his gold medal in the river. He changed his name from Cassius Clay to a Muslim name. How do we know he hasn't been part of an al-Qaeda sleeper cell the past 40 years? Or that his Roach Motels aren't providing safe haven for his fellow suicide bombers? ..."

"I see Hollywood has another darling, that autistic high school basketball manager who scored 20 points when he finally was allowed into a game. Apparently, they're going to make an 'inspirational' movie about him. Inspirational? Right. 'Hoosiers' is an inspirational movie; this is just a story about a ball hog who refused to pass to any of his teammates and shot nothing but long-range shots in the final few minutes even though his team was already up by 30 points. Coach Norman ('Five passes') Dale would have benched a player for such selfish, unsportsmanlike play. But because the kid is 'autistic,' the liberals not only won't let us criticize him but turned him into a national 'hero.' I'm sorry, but the only lesson I took from that game is that the opposing team simply sucked on defense. And how do we know he's really autistic? Maybe he's just faking it like in the Farrelly brothers movie 'Ringers.' ..."

"The liberals hate Darth Vader just for being a strong leader and trying to preserve traditional values in the Empire. At least in the Empire, they supported their troops, which is more than you can say about Cindy Sheehan and the blue staters. But no, these Blame The Empire First liberals would rather cheer known smuggler Han Solo (how do we know he doesn't smuggle drugs in the Millennium Falcon? Or worse, steroids? I mean, look at all the hair on Chewbacca's back) and that twisted pervert Luke who tries to kill his father and wants to sleep with his sister, and the so-called Rebel Alliance, which is nothing more than a bunch of terrorists with good PR. Their idea of a dream world is the ice planet Hoth, where there is never a threat of global warming. And why do the liberals bash the Death Star so much? At least it put people to work instead of having them stand around waiting for a welfare check. Repeat after me: Death Stars don't kill people, people kill people. Not that the residents of Alderaan were necessarily people in the sense they possessed the same DNA and precious stem cells as us. But how do we know they wouldn't have destroyed Tatooine if Darth hadn't launched his preemptive attack?"

Jim Caple is a senior writer for You can reach Jim at Sound off to Page 2 here.