By Jim Caple
Page 2

You know what we can't get enough of at Page 2? Those multipage spreads in Sports Illustrated and other sports/outdoors/fitness magazines in which elite athletes boast about their workout and diet programs. In fact, we love the idea so much we've decided to copy the idea. In the debut of the Page 2 Playahs section, we sat down with one NFL player -- who wished to remain anonymous -- as he described his daily workout routine.

3:50 a.m. I awake in my altitude nitrogen tent. When I feel lazy I hit the snooze button to give myself 10 extra minutes sleep and improve oxygen conditions to a gentle 26,000 feet.

4 a.m. My early morning workout is an intense combination of tai chi, yoga, Pilates and spinning in my basement aromatherapy wave resistance pool. I like to follow up with an exhilarating shower of imported Tyrolean spring water and chlorophyll. Drip dry.

5:30 a.m. My early breakfast is two freshly squeezed oranges. But only the peels. Actually, only the zest.

6 a.m. Hang from the ceiling in moon boots. Touch heels to back of head. Ten sets.

6:30 a.m. My midmorning workout begins with 1,000 quick stomach crunches and 1,000 right-handed pushups followed by a 10-mile warm-up run over sand dunes, finishing up with 10 40-yard sprints across hot coals.

8 a.m. My late breakfast is seven medium-sized eggs freshly laid that morning by my flock of Andalusian free-range chickens. No yolks. No whites. Just the shells, finely ground and served with shark cartilage and a little saltpeter. I follow that up with a 14-ounce electrolyte, amino acid, B-12 compound, antioxidant, Omega 3, Neat's foot oil smoothie with a Laetrile boost.

8:30 a.m. My late-morning workout is 1,000 stomach crunches and 1,000 left-handed pushups followed by a dozen hill sprints while wearing a body harness and pulling my fully loaded Escalade containing my entire posse. I refuel between each set by eating one slightly bruised banana peel and drinking one gallon of purified distilled water.

9:30 a.m. I pamper myself with a two-hour deep body massage and stretching session from an international team of Japanese, Vietnamese and Swedish masseurs/beauty contestants.

11:30 a.m. A 30-minute cat nap in my hyperbaric chamber.

Noon. My lunch is a low-carb, high-fiber, fat- and salt-free pizza cooked in a wood-fired steamer by my personal chef, Anatole. How can I maintain my weight while eating pizza? There is no meat, cheese, sauce or crust, just tofu.

1 p.m. I get the kinks out by having myself fully stretched out by a personal sadist on a medieval rack.

1:30 p.m. My afternoon workout begins with another 1,000 stomach crunches and 1,000 no-handed pushups followed by a strength session in which I bench-press 7-foot by 7-foot blocks of Italian marble. 10 reps.

2 p.m. Hand-eye coordination session juggling manhole covers and coral snakes while blindfolded and wearing oven mitts.

3 p.m. Agility session in my backyard savanna where I chase down zebras with my pet albino cheetahs.

3:30 p.m. Light afternoon snack of dandelion leaves and OxyContin hummus.

4 p.m. Wind down with electroshock therapy followed by soothing one-hour exfoliating and detoxifying organic oatmeal bath.

6 p.m. Flying lessons at sunset on the balcony with the maharishi yogi.

7 p.m. My dinner is a 4-ounce grilled lamb pancreas, a 6-ounce steamed Labrador placenta and a lightly tossed haricot verts/pine needle/cactus salad with balsamic testosterone dressing and HGH croutons. For dessert I treat myself to one wafer-thin mint.

9 p.m. My nightly enema.

10 p.m. Late-night snack of barium-chip flaxseed cookies and a cup of beluga whale milk.

11 p.m. I return to high-altitude nitrogen tent. I set the dial to 11 and go to sleep on a bed of nails.