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The second half of the baseball season is under way, and by law, every sportswriter must pen a column about it.
Here is mine.
(Teams are listed in their predicted order of finish. Oh, and no purchase necessary. Legal for U.S. residents only. Do not use without first consulting a doctor. Seek medical attention if you have an erection lasting more than four hours. But I really don't think this article is good enough for you to have to worry about that.)
AL East
1. New York Yankees: It's a credit to the classiness of the Yankees organization that the team's management won't let a $200 million payroll prevent it from fielding a deeply flawed team, thereby keeping the season exciting and in limbo for its fans right through to the end of the regular season. A lot of organizations would take $200 million and build a team that would crush any and all comers, putting the division away weeks in advance. But not the Yankees, and for that, they deserve to be commended. New York's push for a ninth consecutive division title will have a lot to do with injuries. If Gary Sheffield and Hideki Matsui return to action soon, the Yankees will make the playoffs; whereas if Carl Pavano returns from injury soon, they will not.
2. Boston Red Sox: The Red Sox have managed to play winning baseball despite having to suffer through watching a rookie closer fill in for the great Keith Foulke. And although Jonathan Papelbon has done rather well, the Red Sox most definitely will need Foulke to get healthy and retake the closer's role in the second half once Papelbon inevitably is kidnapped and forced into service as a love slave by an overzealous Boston fan. Perhaps the biggest questions surrounding the Red Sox as the second half of the season rolls on are: Is the pitching strong enough to hold up down the stretch? And, most important, what does Curt Schilling think about the current conflict in the Middle East, and when will he enlighten us with his opinion? (Please let it be soon, Curt, before the situation spirals out of control!)
3. Toronto Blue Jays: If there is a God, the Blue Jays will win the AL East and keep both the Red Sox and Yankees out of the playoffs. Although if there is a God, injury-prone pitchers like A.J. Burnett who have losing records for their careers would not be making $11 million a year while teachers and nurses make less than $50,000. So the Blue Jays probably will finish third.
4. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: The Devil Rays are improving but still are nowhere near contending in the division this season. That's why it might be time to bring up star prospects B.J. Upton and Delmon Young to see whether they can produce at the major league level. Upton provides speed and average, and Young offers an unmatched combination of power and umpire intimidation. Young starter Scott Kazmir has developed into an ace, and the Yankees are said to be pleased with how Tampa has developed Kazmir for them and are eagerly anticipating his first start in pinstripes the spring after he becomes a free agent.
5. Baltimore Orioles: Despite bringing in Leo Mazzone as their pitching coach in the offseason, the Orioles have the second-worst ERA in the American League. So look for Mazzone to push the front office to acquire John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, Greg Maddux and Kevin Millwood before the trade deadline to give him the tools he needs to craft a top-notch starting rotation.
AL Central
1. Chicago White Sox: The reigning World Series champions have only improved since last season with the acquisition of Jim Thome, whom they acquired in an age-old baseball tradition of ripping off the Phillies in a trade. In what will be a tight divisional race, the White Sox can't afford any further distractions from manager Ozzie Guillen. And Guillen must somehow keep his focus on baseball, even though the Gay Games have opened in Chicago, the WNBA season is in full gear and Madonna is on tour.
2. Detroit Tigers: Most everyone has been waiting all season for the Tigers to fold, either because people think the team is playing over its head or because they believe the team eventually will weaken and tire thanks to contracting lung cancer from breathing in Jim Leyland's cigarette smoke. (For the record, I think that it will be more of the former and that the lung cancer won't set in until five or 10 years down the road.)
3. Minnesota Twins: Johan Santana and Francisco Liriano provide a fantastic 1-2 punch at the top of the Twins' rotation. Unfortunately, the Twins' lineup -- not including Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau -- enables pitchers on opposing teams to counter with a fantastic 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 punch.
4. Cleveland Indians: The Indians were a huge disappointment in the first half, but on the bright side, their ineptitude gradually is making "Major League" seem timely and relevant again. And no matter how bad the Indians get, it won't change the fact that Grady Sizemore is, like, totally hot.
5. Kansas City Royals: -- Sure, the Royals might be far and away the worst team in the American League, but the knowledge that they'd probably be a shoo-in for at least a wild-card berth if they were lucky enough to be in the National League should keep them feeling positive and playing hard throughout the second half. In theory, the Royals will be sellers at the trade deadline, but that's assuming some team actually would think adding a Kansas City Royal to its roster would help it make the playoffs.
AL West
1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Starting pitcher Bartolo Colon has not yet regained his Cy Young form since returning from the disabled list, but he most definitely has regained the pear-shaped form of his body. With an easy schedule after the All-Star break, the charging Angels have a chance to pull into first place in the AL West. But if they don't and squander a great opportunity to make the playoffs, boy, it sure will be hard on the residents of Los Angeles, where the hometown Angels are so beloved.
2. Texas Rangers: The Rangers will try to make a deal for a pitcher before the trade deadline, hinting that the organization finally and begrudgingly has accepted the theory that decent pitching plays at least a minor role in the makeup of a successful baseball team. But as there are few, if any, top-notch starters available via trade, management might concede that the playoffs aren't in the cards this season and reacquire Chan Ho Park, just to provide some laughs for the fans, as well as a few dozen or so souvenir baseballs for those in the outfield seats.
3. Oakland A's: Oakland very well might not make the playoffs this season, but at least it will be able to boast about having an impressive team OPS while other teams less blessed in matters OPS waste their Octobers trying to win a World Series. It will be interesting to see whether the A's are at all distracted in the second half by issues surrounding DH Frank Thomas, who has sued two White Sox doctors claiming they misdiagnosed a foot injury in 2004. Thomas is also weighing a lawsuit against Chicago's hitting coach for making him regularly hit in the low to mid-.200s.
4. Seattle Mariners: Somewhat unexpectedly, the Mariners find themselves in the race for the division title and need to make some moves to stay in contention. One would be to acquire a power bat and give struggling DH Carl Everett his outright release -- although Everett has told the team he doesn't believe in releases, nor will he accept one, because they aren't mentioned in the Bible. The Mariners also need improvement from phenom pitcher Felix Hernandez, who is still drawing comparisons to Dwight Gooden -- but now less the Gooden of the mid-'80s, and more the somewhat depressing Indians Gooden of the late '90s.
NL East
1. New York Mets: With loads of young, marquee talent and what appears to be an easy path to the World Series, it seems like 1986 all over again to Mets fans. In fact, many of them still have the same hairdo they did 20 years ago.
2. Atlanta Braves: Atlanta's streak of 14 consecutive division titles is all but over, but the Braves still have a chance to get knocked out of the playoffs by way of the wild card. It might be a long shot, sure, but it's hard to ever count out the Braves. (Unless, as previously stated, it's the playoffs.)
3. Philadelphia Phillies: The Phillies' starting pitching has been horrendous all season, leading to an overworked bullpen that likely will tire down the stretch. On the bright side, the Phillies' starters are very well rested and could pitch awfully into the seventh, eighth or ninth inning for the remainder of the season if need be.
4. Florida Marlins: The fantastic job done by manager Joe Girardi has put Florida's rebuilding process well ahead of schedule -- so much so that we likely will see another Marlins World Series title and subsequent mandatory team dismantling within two years.
5. Washington Nationals: -- The Nationals might appear out of the playoff hunt, but don't count them out entirely as long as the Cincinnati Reds are still looking to trade. After getting Austin Kearns and Felipe Lopez from the Reds last week for almost nothing, the Nationals might be able to get themselves back in the race quickly by acquiring Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr. from Cincinnati in exchange for a few middle-of-the-road minor leaguers or maybe even a signed Jim Bowden mug shot photo.
NL Central
1. St. Louis Cardinals: Their starting pitching has been dreadful, and the lineup has produced little power outside Albert Pujols, but the Cardinals are still the team to beat in the NL Central -- and that's entirely thanks to Tony La Russa, the greatest manager the game has ever seen. All La Russa needs is a bat, a ball and 25 guys (most must be high-profile players signed to rather large contracts, though) and he can win you a World Series every quarter-century, guaranteed.
2. Houston Astros: Houston could ride the arm of Roger Clemens all the way to a division title -- as long as Clemens doesn't get suspended again for steroids, that is. (Uh … kidding about that, of course. Yep, just kidding. The 50 games Clemens missed at the beginning of the season were because he was pondering retirement, not a steroids suspension kept quiet by the league office. Again, totally joking with this.)
3. Milwaukee Brewers: The Brewers are considering dealing star outfielder Carlos Lee, a free agent at the end of the season. If Milwaukee management trades Lee, it would indicate it does not believe the team can contend for a playoff spot this year. Whereas if Milwaukee management honestly believes the Brewers can contend this year, it would indicate Milwaukee management is insane.
4. Cincinnati Reds: It is unlikely the Reds have what it takes to stay in contention for the duration of the season, but there's always a silver lining to every cloud, and the team's inevitable slide into mediocrity should provide Bronson Arroyo with some fantastic material for his eagerly anticipated second album. A nation awaits!
5. Pittsburgh Pirates: The Pirates could have hired Jim Leyland in the offseason but instead brought in the great Jim Tracy. And that has turned out fantastically. Although it's true Leyland instantly transformed the Tigers into a championship-caliber club with a roster similar to the roster in Pittsburgh, the Pirates are more interested in building a team for the long haul, and in this, their 14th consecutive losing season, are right on pace to be a contending club just in time to open a new, taxpayer-supported stadium in 2075 or so.
6. Chicago Cubs: Cubs manager Dusty Baker might be fired before the end of the season, and if the team asks him to leave, it probably should do so sooner rather than later. (Because, as Baker probably would say, black managers deal better with getting fired in the heat of the summer than when it's cooler.) Starting pitcher Greg Maddux is on the trading block, and if the Cubs can find a contender who is in desperate need of a 40-year-old pitcher with a 5.00 ERA who forces the bullpen to pitch three to four innings in each of his starts, they could get some much-needed young talent in return.
NL West
1. San Diego Padres: Trevor Hoffman is the rock of the Padres. And he is adorable. After blowing a save in the All-Star Game, thereby giving home-field advantage in the World Series to the American League, Hoffman had this to say: "It meant a lot to everyone in our dugout. There was something at stake for the National League and the Padres. We think we could go deep into the playoffs." Awwww, how cute. Hoffman honestly believes that the Padres could make it to the World Series -- and crazier still -- that they actually would last all the way to Game 7 if they did make it. What a cutie-pie that Hoffman is. I want to pinch his naive, delusional little cheeks.
2. San Francisco Giants: The Giants are a few players away from being a serious World Series contender, but don't forget that they still have Barry Bonds. Not only can he still hit but he can give some of the unreported millions he is accused of having earned from card shows to the San Francisco front office (thereby laundering it) so the team can afford to trade for some big-money talent. Then the Giants can donate a percentage of playoff ticket sales to Bonds' legal defense fund. It's a win-win.
3. Los Angeles Dodgers: The Dodgers have been led all season by the outstanding play of first baseman Nomar Garciaparra, and the experience he gained in winning a World Series with the Red Sox in 2004 will be invaluable to the Dodgers during the stretch run. Wait … what's that? Boston won a championship that season only after trading him? Wow. That had to hurt. At least he got one of those shiny rings, though.
4. Arizona Diamondbacks: All of the distractions surrounding the Jason Grimsley story earlier this season sent Arizona plummeting in the standings, but the team has gathered itself in recent weeks and is playing better baseball -- most likely because now that the attention of the Grimsley story has subsided, they all can take HGH again without fear of getting caught.
5. Colorado Rockies: In what is the tightest division in baseball, the Rockies might have the best chance of running away with last place. The only thing preventing that is their pitching. They actually have some. No, really. Honest. They get guys out sometimes and everything.
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Fantasy Sports Monthly, and has written for The Onion and Cracked.
