The Super Bowl Blauggh (Friday edition)   

Updated: January 30, 2009

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Excited for Super Bowl week? DJ Gallo certainly is. He'll provide us with wall-to-wall coverage all week long on his Super Bowl Blauggh, updated several times daily.

Yes, we know how to spell "blog." But this isn't a blog. It's even better.

And no, DJ's not in Tampa. Why on Earth would anyone want to deal with that mob scene?

5 p.m.

Prediction time
Well, I've had a lot of fun all week long here revolutionizing the media industry with the first-ever blauggh. But it's easy to make jokes at the expense of others without ever putting yourself out there. So I'm going to step up, be a man and go on the record with my Super Bowl pick.


Whoops. Wait a minute. Look there. It's 5 p.m. Quitting time. That's too bad. Oh, well.

Enjoy the game.

(And see you Monday for the final NFL Hangover column of the season and a Super Bowl wrap chat on SportsNation at 2 p.m. ET.)

4:02 p.m.

Tonight's Super Bowl party slate
• Super Bowl Commissioner's Party -- 7:30 p.m., Tampa Convention Center
If you're going to dance or celebrate at this party, you must do it alone. Anyone who dances with other people will be penalized.

• 1st Annual Jocks That Rock VIP Super Bowl Party -- 8 p.m., Caliente Clothing Optional Luxury Resort
That's right, "clothing optional." But remember, it doesn't start until 8 p.m. You probably should wear a jacket so you don't get a cold.

• Nick Lachey and Jimmie Johnson's Super Skins Celebrity Kickoff -- 8 p.m., Hula Bay Club
Tickets cost $150 to $5,000, but proceeds go to the Nick Lachey Foundation and the Jimmie Johnson Foundation. I don't know what Johnson's foundation does, but I think Lachey's helps Matt Leinart.

• Jermaine Dupri & Aqib Talib's Under The Veil Celebrity Super Bowl Party -- 8 p.m., MOSI
Slated to appear are Jaime Foxx, Vivica Fox and Janet Jackson. Yet to RSVP: Janet Jackson's right breast.

• 2009 Leather & Laces Super Bowl Party -- 9 p.m., Jackson's Bistro
This is hosted by Carmen Electra, Jenny McCarthy and Kim Kardashian. Better read up on your Proust if you want to be able to keep up with the conversations.

• Girls Gone Wild Super Bowl Party -- 8 p.m., Dolce Vita Lounge
Wait, they've already gone wild? What's to see then? I would rather go to a Girls Are Going To Go Wild party.

• Friday Night Blitz Super Bowl Party -- 9 p.m., AjA
This party is being hosted by Kendra Wilkinson. OMG … that means Eagles receiver Hank Baskett might be there! Yes!

• Maxim Super Bowl Party -- 9 p.m., The Ritz Ybor
Promoters aren't leaking any info about the event. That's supposed to mean it's going to be great. Of course, M. Night Shyamalan didn't let anyone preview "The Happening" either.

• ESPN The Magazine NEXT Super Bowl Party -- 9 p.m., ESPN VIP Tent
Oh, you think the Maxim party is stealth? This ESPN party is so much on the down-low that I didn't even get an invitation. Take that, Maxim.

2:54 p.m.

"Super Bowl XLIII: The Movie"
It turns out my Kurt Warner movie idea below is not the only Super Bowl movie in the works. Casting is already going on for "Super Bowl XLIII: The Movie" here.

And it's nice to see that Cuba Gooding Jr. is returning to a football role by playing Steelers linebacker Larry Foote. He hasn't been in a watchable movie since playing Rod Tidwell.

1:58 p.m.

"The Stock Boy Kid"
How many times have you heard that Kurt Warner's stock boy-to-riches story is like a movie? Well, why not make it a movie?

I think it would be a lot like "The Karate Kid." Remember how Mr. Miyagi would give Daniel mundane tasks -- waxing his car, painting a fence -- to make him into a karate master? In "The Stock Boy Kid," Warner's mundane stock boy tasks would make him into a superstar quarterback.

Scene 1: Kurt is given a labeling gun and told he can't go on break until he's finished putting sale tags on an entire display of canned pears. Fast on the trigger, he develops his now-legendary quick release.

Scene 2: Kurt is told to stock Coca-Cola products in the soda aisle and reminded that they are to be given prominent display space. But he is instructed to give generic brands some shelf space, too. Kurt learns how to deal with both stars and no-name teammates, making sure they both succeed.

Scene 3: Kurt is ordered to stock a huge shipment of feminine products at a time when the store is full of customers. He learns to always be humble.

Scene 4: Kurt is asked to stay late and look over some security tape to see whether he can spot who stole a few sirloin steaks from the meat department. Kurt learns to read film.

Scene 5: Kurt is told to unload a refrigerator truck and put everything in the store's walk-in fridge, even though he forgot his sweatshirt. Kurt learns toughness.

There you go, Hollywood, I've done the heavy lifting. Now you just fill in the blanks and cast someone to play Brenda.

1:08 p.m.

Quote of the week
The last time Tampa hosted the Super Bowl, in 2001, local law enforcement strictly enforced the city's law that requires strip club customers to stay at least 6 feet away from all-nude dancers.

But this year, there will be no such crackdown. And Tampa's strip club owners are happy they might be able to get away with bending the rules.

"We are doing what everybody else is doing," said Nick Polefrone, general manager of 2001 Odyssey. "We respect all legitimate laws."

Since media day didn't yield many memorable lines, Polefrone's "we respect all legitimate laws" gets the nod for quote of the week.

Although I'm suspicious about whether he is a real person. How is that name pronounced -- "Pole-fer-one"? No way. That's not believable.

11:43 a.m.

Worst bet ever
The mayors of Pittsburgh and Glendale, Ariz., have made their Super Bowl wager. Here it is:

If the Steelers win, the Cardinals have to plant a tree native to Pennsylvania outside University of Phoenix Stadium. And if the Cardinals win, the Steelers have to plant a cactus outside Heinz Field.

Also -- and while this isn't part of the official deal -- if the Steelers win, Cardinals fans have to wait until the night after the tree is planted to chop it down. And if the Cardinals win, Steelers fans have to wait until the night after the cactus is planted to uproot it.

Or, you know, I guess the losing team could protect the tree/cactus with some sort of barricade and just wait a few weeks for it to die in its non-native habitat.

11:02 a.m.

Celebrity sightings in Tampa
"Really? You want my autograph? You realize I'm the governor and not Marv Levy, right?"

"Has my voice not sickened you? How about if I move like this?"

"This hammer could come in handy next time I'm in the mood to punch a teammate."

"Hey, my last name is Fatone. What's your excuse?"

"Super Bowl? No, we're out partying because Jon Gruden is gone."

"Yes, it is an honor to be one of the youngest chosen in recent years. I think it says I have a future in this business."

"Oh. Oh, no. That turkey sub must have been bad. Here it comes."

"That's my quarterback's girlfriend. And if you do that, man, it's unfair. We gained weight as a team. We gained weight as a team."

9:31 a.m.

The danger of the Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals' trip to the Super Bowl is a feel-good story. It inspires. It motivates.

But is there danger in becoming too inspired? Too motivated? Without a doubt. The Arizona Cardinals playing in the Super Bowl is beyond improbable. Let's enjoy it for what it is. No one should go crazy and start believing this sort of thing can happen every year.

Unfortunately, Steelers linebacker Larry Foote has gone crazy. He reportedly is telling friends he wants to play for the Detroit Lions next season.

Good god, man, get a hold of yourself! "Rocky" was inspiring, but I didn't go volunteer to get punched in the face by the heavyweight champion of the world.

Previous Super Bowl Blauggh editions: Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.


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