As Charles Dickens once wrote about Super Bowl media day, "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times."

As the throngs of media descend upon Arizona for Tuesday's annual festival, we know they are not all as prepared as Page 2 would be (if we had been given a credential, that is). Thus, some suggested questions to ask:

For Bill Belichick:
"VHS or Betamax?"

For Tom Brady:
"Would you consider wearing this eyepatch during the game, just to make things more even?"

"Ascot or newsboy cap?"

"How long have you been a white quarterback?"

For Tom Coughlin:
"If you don't answer this question before I finish asking it, does that make your answer late?"

For Eli Manning:
"If Peyton gives you a scouting report on how to beat Bill Belichick, will you pretend your cell phone is cutting out?"

"How long have you been Peyton's brother?"

For Wes Welker:
"Would you object to us putting 'Wee' in front of your name?"

"Do you ever imagine what the Space Mountain ride feels like?"

For Plaxico Burress:
"Can you go over that stuff about the Giants' receivers being as good as the Patriots' receivers again? We're filming a public service spot for the Office of National Drug Control Policy."

For Richard Seymour:
"So, how bad are you guys gonna stomp the Giants?"

For Rodney Harrison:
"Any particular reason you have been able to have such a long career?"

"How far can you pull a tractor with your teeth?"

"If I talk directly into your forehead, can you hear me better?"

For Randy Moss:
"You say you never hit women. Isn't it sexist to talk about NFL defensive backs that way?"

"With all the extra police officers on the streets this week, is it tempting to run a few over?"

For Heath Evans:
"Scrap-off … who wins: you, Wes Walker or Kyle Eckel?"

For Grey Ruegamer:
"Is that blood on your mustache?"

For Michael Strahan:
"What do you think of the writers' strike in Hollywood? I thought you may have something to say since you and Brett Favre have experience scripting endings."

For Matt Light:
"Osi Umenyiora called you a dirty player. Is it true you haven't showered since winning the AFC championship?"

For Jeremy Shockey:
(While poking him with a stethoscope): "OK, tell me where it feels irrelevant."

For Donte' Stallworth:
"Did you feel a lot of pressure trying to replace Reche Caldwell in the lineup?"

For Vince Wilfork:
"Do you think a man your size is setting a good example for America's youth? We do you have an obesity problem in this country, you know."

For Madison Hedgecock:
"Can you spell your name for me? Yes, your last name also."

For Steve Smith:
"Do you think you can build upon your previous Super Bowl experience?"

For Aaron Ross:
"So, what will it feel like getting beat deep by Randy Moss?"

For Bill Belichick:
"So, when ARE we going to witness the power of this fully operational battle station?"