1. Bud Selig: The tie All-Star Game thing made me look like a stone-cold genius by comparison. I'll always love him for that night.

Bud seriously, folks ...

That three-strikes-and-you're-out rule, that's good stuff.

Has me thinking ... how do you like the sound of "Oh-for-three"?


I thought about letting Artest back in today.

And then he woke up.

I crack myself up, I really do.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

LeBron James
AP Photo
LeBron, to the Knicks? That would never happen, would it?

Environmental impact report

While our official position is that we have no position, early polling conducted by Stu Jackson's office indicates that No. 23 Knicks jerseys would outsell No. 2 Derek Jeter jerseys, as well as pre-ordered copies of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," by nearly 3 to 1.

Though again, I should stress, the league has no position on the moving, or the not moving, or the potential moving, of any or all members of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

And furthermore, let the record show:

The league has no specific knowledge of any silky, nightgown-style No. 23 Knicks jerseys that may or may not have found their way into Jeanie Buss' lingerie drawer.

Friday, April 29, 2005
Wanna have some fun?

Go to Cuban's blog and write "nice hair" in the comments section of every post.

I have to confess, I've always wished someone would say:

"And with the first selection in the 2005 NBA draft, the Atlanta Hawks select ... David Stern from Rutgers University."

I'm a huge Spud Webb fan. Though again, I should say, the league has no specific knowledge of any silky, nightgown-style No. 4 Hawks jerseys that may or may not have found their way into the lingerie drawer of Mrs. Dianne Bock Stern.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

To: Arena DJs
From: David J. Stern

Less Black Eyed Peas. More Sinatra.

Note to self

Sliding-scale fines for tattoos and body art, from "I Love Mom" on one shoulder ($5,000) to the full Rasheed Wallace ($50,000). Refunds available for those who agree to submit to laser removal procedures.


To: Arena DJs
From: David J. Stern

Less Usher. More Manilow.

Sunday, May 1, 2005
Top Five Ways To Spend Van Gundy's $100K

5. Donate to charity

4. Moving expenses for LeBron

3. New eyeglass frames for The Commish

Jeff Van Gundy
AP Photo
Think Jeff Van Gundy will like his gifts?

2. Gift to Chinese ambassador

1. Hush money to officiating crew

Monday, May 2, 2005
Top Five Parting Gift Ideas for Van Gundy

5. Film from Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference finals

4. Zapruder Film copy

3. "Capricorn One" DVD

2. "The Jordan Rules" by Sam Smith

1. One frozen lottery card envelope, circa 1985

Jeff will talk. We have ways of making him talk.

It's Stan we're concerned with now.

There is a Van Gundy growing on the Commissionership, and it must not be neglected or left to spread. We must chase down the Van Gundy wherever it lies, in every corner of the game, and we must eradicate it.

Like white boots before Memorial Day, it is an insidious threat. Like a certain Maverick blog, it must be shouted down.

Wednesday, May 4, 2005
Mum's the word

Don't worry ... I've got Bernard Tolbert over at NBA security working on the Yankees cap thing.

We're looking hard at Giuliani, but we're not ready to make an announcement.


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