Mark our words: The Heat are about to make a big-time comeback in the NBA Finals. They will positively own the Mavericks in the next few games. You can bank on it.
How can we be so sure? What do we know about Pat Riley's strategy for slowing down Dirk? Nothing, really. Is there some sort of weakness we sense in Jason Terry? Not exactly. Have we finally learned what's in The Bowl? We wish.
But here's what we do know: Anna K and Enrique positively own David Hasselhoff when it comes to celebrity fan mojo. Every TV cutaway to the tanned and beautiful super couple makes Miami look hip, powerful and glamorous, and makes Dallas look like, well, the cheesy cowtown home of Michael Knight.
And if you're like us, this smackdown gets you thinking: Exactly how good are Anna K and Enrique? Where do they rank among the best celebrity sports fans? We're talking about the intangibles. How much cool do they bring? How much of an X factor is their Q Rating? How much luster, how much (forgive us) heat do they add to the mix? Which clubs benefit the most just from being associated with their marquee fans?
And so we now present the First Annual Page 2 Celebrity Sports Fan Rankings.
Editor's note: We realize that many teams have several different celebrity devotees, but we have limited ourselves to one representative, the peak of a particular team's celeb value. So, for example, while it is true Woody Allen is a devoted New York Knicks fan, it is also true, in our estimation, that he cannot compete with Spike Lee when it comes to being the celebrity face of the franchise.
Editor's note No. 2: We here at Page 2 are, of course, nothing if not the gold-standard arbiters of all things pop culture and sports, so our list is, of course, absolutely unassailable. At the same time, we here at Page 2 are, of course, nothing if not capricious and whimsical. So if we've missed someone, or if you feel we've done some celebrity and his/her club a tragic disservice, let us know: Send your suggestions, and your suggested ranking, to the Page 2 mailbag.
The Rankings
Jack Nicholson -- Los Angeles LakersHard to imagine anything short of death or a sex-tape scandal threatening his position, and come to think of it, both might actually solidify it.
Spike Lee -- New York KnicksThe "Inside Man" was tight Lee, in the "Clockers" mold, and the choke-off with Reggie is still a classic.
Eva Longoria -- San Antonio SpursWhat, we're going to argue with Maxim's "Hot 100" list?
Jamie Foxx -- Dallas Cowboys"How will T.O. and The Tuna get along?" is the second-most important question in Dallas right now, just after, "You think the big-screen 'Miami Vice' remake will suck or what?"
Ashley Judd -- Kentucky WildcatsJack's the king, but she's the essence of celebrity fanhood for us. Our disappointment over "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" notwithstanding, Ms. Judd looks good in blue and her heart is true.
Jay-Z -- New Jersey NetsHe's the inspiration for a new indy flick called "Confessions of a Thug" and he's featured in a new HP ad during the NBA Finals? That's a crossover to make AI envious, baby.
7. Stephen King -- Boston Red SoxHe's as big as he's ever been. They're bringing "It" to TV. His back page in Entertainment Weekly is must reading. He's got a popular book on the Sox out. He's gifting $10K to little kids running reading programs in Maine. He's the man.
Billy Crystal -- Los Angeles ClippersProps for the one-man show, props for buying season tix in the lean years, props for sitting graciously through 473,000 courtside interviews during the playoffs.
Bill Murray -- Chicago CubsSo he's got this goin' for him, which is nice.
Denis Leary -- Boston BruinsThe "Rescue Me" Emmy is knockin' on the door, and it's coming in.
Eddie Vedder -- Chicago BullsFrankly, we're of the opinion that the whole Pearl-Jam-is-the-new-Grateful-Dead thing isn't all that cool, but the Billboard Charts say otherwise so we pay our respects.
Snoop Dogg -- University of Southern CaliforniaWhat can we say? The braids? The end zone Heisman poses? The big jerseys? The entourage bigger than "Entourage"? We're still buying.
Jennie Finch -- Arizona DiamondbacksMarrying one of the players shows commitment and we respect commitment. But what we respect even more is the little-body-big-head "why don't you try underhand?" spots for Gatorade. Plus, she's Page 2's "It Girl"; we made her.
Sarah Jessica Parker -- New York YankeesIt was Giuliani or SJP and we went with the girl with the shoes. If Rudy runs for president and wins, though, if you (or any member of the NSA) come back to this URL in December 2008, you (or any member of the NSA) will find no trace of Sarah Jessica, and Da President will be top-five, easy.
Mike Myers -- Toronto Maple LeafsThis selection and ranking insisted upon by the children of the writers and editors of Page2; they loves them some "Shrek."
Ice Cube -- Oakland RaidersIt's been almost 13 years since "It Was A Good Day"…
I don't know but today seems kinda odd/No barking from the dogs, no smog/And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog --
…but genius is timeless, friends.
Regis Philbin -- University of Notre DameThe repartee with Ripa is all well and good, but we favor the tête-à-tête stuff with Letterman.
Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova -- Miami HeatWhat we're waiting on now is the birth of a super baby, some too-beautiful-for-words spawn who will, of course, become a die-hard fan of the young Agassi-Graf boy.
Jerry Seinfeld -- New York MetsThe reruns hold up, which is what gets him in the Top 20, but it's been a while since we really thought about him. Maybe some sort of goofy teen romance is in order …
Nelly -- Charlotte BobcatsRecent explosion of Nelly Furtado, complete with unsubstantiated Steve Nash linkages, hurts his stock, but he gets bonus points for part ownership of the club.
Drew Carey -- Cleveland IndiansHe's cool, but he's no Ryan Stiles.
Elisha Cuthbert -- Los Angeles KingsKeifer Sutherland before working with Elisha = Donald's son and Julia's roadkill. Keifer Sutherland after working with Elisha = international man of mystery, can't-miss stud inking a deal for "24" the movie, and Teflon superstar free to attack Christmas trees in hotel lobbies to his heart's content. You do the math.
Jon Bon Jovi -- New York GiantsSomewhere along the line -- we think it was the haircut, but others point to "The West Wing" guest appearance -- he became, dare we say it, kinda cool again.
Nick Lachey -- University of Cincinnati, Cincinnati Reds, Cincinnati BengalsYou're probably better without her, but we gotta say, we miss the wacky newlyweds show, Nick. Bonus points, though, for the new fragrance for men commercial for a fragrance for men none of us have ever heard of before and can't remember the moment the commercial is over.
Will Smith -- Philadelphia EaglesWe're not gonna lie, this ranking is punishment for "Hitch," straight-out.
Tim Russert -- Buffalo BillsHe was red hot there for a while, when everyone thought he knew something about the Valerie Plame stuff, but now that that's died down, he's just back to being James Lipton inside the beltway.
Matthew McConaughey -- University of Texas
Run, don't walk, for your Criterion Collection DVD of "Dazed and Confused," ladies and gentlemen.
Kid Rock -- Detroit PistonsFor years the Pistons belonged to Anita Baker. And she's still there, but the hard, cold truth is the Kid is bigger now. By a lot.
Jim Belushi -- Chicago BlackhawksWe felt bad about ranking him this low, but then we remembered real men don't apologize.
Tim Robbins-- New York RangersWe felt bad about ranking him this low, but then we remembered we pretty much put him on the list just so we could say we still like Susan more than him. And always will.
Usher -- Cleveland CavaliersDon't feel too bad, Usher. You're the second-rated hip-hop-part-owner-celeb-fan on the list.
George Bush -- Houston AstrosWith every new Gallup poll on W, the old man looks better and better.
Tom Selleck -- Detroit TigersIn some cases, No. 33 would be a slap in the face. In this case, though, it's an old-school tribute, mostly to the hat. Truth be told, we don't even know if Selleck really is a Tigers fan, but we're certain about Magnum.
Alice Cooper -- Phoenix SunsAngry, painted-face, heads-off-birds Alice would provide a boost. Golfing, smiling, sure-kid-I'll-sign-your-autograph-book Alice is just too soft.
George Wendt -- Chicago BearsTen years ago the SNL skit would have had him in the Top 10.
Tom Arnold -- University of IowaFor reasons nobody seems to be able to pin down, people never seem to take the University of Iowa seriously.
Robert Wuhl -- Los Angeles DodgersWuhl's a credible guy -- take a second look at "Cobb," and don't miss his new HBO bit, "Assume the Position" -- but he's not the big name the Dodgers require. Who will step up? Who takes the top spot in Dodgerland? Maybe we're just star-struck, but we're feeling Lauren from "The Hills."
Stone Gossard -- Seattle SuperSonicsWe can't all be Eddie Vedder. Was this difference the difference in the 1996 NBA Finals? The world might never know …
Condoleezza Rice -- Cleveland BrownsPage 2 is a non-political page. We make no ideological judgments when we say Condi in front of a senate subcommittee is just bad TV.
Chris Tucker -- Atlanta HawksWord is the Hawks are looking to upgrade; making a big push toward Dave Chappelle.
Mike O'Malley -- New England Patriots Is this really the highest-profile fan of the mighty, dynastic Pats? Yes, dear.
David Hasselhoff-- Dallas MavericksHe gets credit for helping Dirk with "Looking for Freedom," but serious demerits for having recorded it in the first place.
Mayor Richard Daley -- Chicago White SoxOn the list because he's really not a celeb at all. Which is just the way the White Sox like it -- all locals, all lifers in support of the club. Bernie Mac and John Cusack have tried to claim the Sox, but true South Siders will tell you both guys are posing.
George Lucas -- Golden State WarriorsWho covers Natalie Portman's face in cake makeup? Who does that? On purpose?
ZZ Top -- Houston RocketsAnd to think we've been blaming JVG's slow-down offense for the Rockets' troubles.
Bill Cosby -- Temple UniversityHe should be higher. Then again, he should be doing more stand-up, more Jell-O ads, less pontificating, and a whole lot less defending himself in court. So there you have it: Life as it is, not as it should be.
MC Hammer -- Oakland A'sHammer's ---- don't work in the playoffs.
Darius Rucker -- Miami DophinsTiger likes him. Which is pretty much the only reason he makes this list at all.
Huey Lewis -- San Francisco 49ersWhen Joe Montana was in town, and Huey was singing the anthem, it was like, well, it was like, one hundred years ago.
Dale Chihuly -- Seattle MarinersHe's like a glass sculptor artist or something. Rumor has it he's the highest-paid living artist in the world. If only that were good enough to move him up this list.
Eric Neel is a columnist for ESPN.com and Page 2.