By Bill Simmons
Page 2

Note from the Sports Guy: The first version of this column was posted on my old website (January, 1998), with the second version running right here on (January, 2002). So here's "NFL Playoff Manifesto 3.0," which includes updated names/theories and avoids being as season-specific.

    "We've come too far to stop now. For Granny ... for Nate ...
    (long pause) ... for Caretaker ... let's do it."
    -- Paul Crewe

These simple steps can save you from a life of frustration -- and from anyone interested in hobbling.

Back in 1991, my buddy Geoff and I created The System, a template of gambling rules that rose from the wreckage of a catastrophic NFL playoffs. At the time, we were worried that somebody would pull a Kathy Bates, break our legs and turn us into James Caan from "Misery." Fortunately, we nailed a few "makeup" bets and escaped relatively unscathed. My mom didn't even suspect anything when I asked her for an extra $500 during the second semester of my junior year because I wanted to "join a gym."

Put it this way: You learn the most about yourself when your back is pressed against the wall -- or in this case, when somebody's holding you upside down by your legs over a seventh-floor hotel balcony. Yes, Geoff and I have been to hell and back in the NFL playoffs. There's no doubt about it. As Boomer Esiason once said, "The best adjective that describes these guys is ... is ... resiliency."

Maybe it took a few years, but we finally worked out the kinks. Things peaked during the 2001 Playoffs, as we went 6-1 during the first three rounds and nailed all three Super Bowl bets: The Ravens straight-up, a parlay (Ravens + the over), and even a random "Who will score the first TD?" bet (on "the field," thanks to Brandon Stokely). Everything went our way. And maybe we aren't savvy veterans along the lines of Robert Horry, Mike Timlin and Herschel Savage, but we're getting there. During the 2004 Playoffs, you may remember me picking the winners of all 11 games, running the slate in Round 1 and finishing 8-3 against the spread. And it's all because of the system.

Without further ado, here are 15 timeless gambling rules for the NFL postseason:

Want to see these rules in motion?

Check out the Sports Guy's picks for the opening weekend in the NFL Playoffs.

  • Simmons: All bets are on
  • RULE NO. 1: Never, ever, EVER back a crappy QB on the road
    More important than every other rule combined. Crappy QBs become infinitely more crappy in the playoffs -- without exceptions -- because their shakiest qualities become magnified against a quality defense and a rowdy playoff crowd. If you need further evidence, harken back to the archives for every one of Scott Mitchell's playoff performances in the mid-'90s, which will be released next month with deleted scenes and director's commentary from Mitchell, Wayne Fontes and Rusty Hilger.

    More recent examples from the past few seasons: Jay Fiedler in Oakland, '99; Jon Kitna against Miami, '99; Shawn King in Philly, '00; Vinny Testaverde in Oakland, '01; Elvis Grbac in Pittsburgh, '02; Tommy Maddox in Tennessee, '03; Jake Plummer in Indy, '04; Quincy Carter in Carolina, '04; Anthony Wright against Tennessee, '04 (special exemption here: Wright was home, but the fact that he's Anthony Wright trumped any possible home-field advantage).

    RULE NO. 2: When in doubt, seek out the popular opinion and go the other way
    If the general public could pick games, bookies wouldn't be driving Lexuses around town with giant wreaths on them. When Geoff and I were relative neophytes, our first great gambling moment happened during the '90 playoffs, when we went against the grain and grabbed the underdog Redskins in Philly. Everyone loved the Eagles to win the title that season ... and if Randall Cunningham was as good in real life as he was in Tecmo Bowl, it would have happened. Undaunted, we jumped on the 'Skins ... and they cruised to a 20-6 upset. I still remember the score.

    Three good tricks for this one:

    A. Follow the movement on the lines from Monday to the weekend. If anything moves substantially -- by a point or more -- that means the majority of gamblers are backing that team. And you know what that means.

    B. Watch "Inside the NFL," check out the gambling section in Friday's New York Post, then watch the pregame shows. If everyone seems to be siding with one team, something's probably up. Remember last year's Other Way Game, when Indy destroyed Denver in Round 1? Everyone and their brother loved the Broncos that week.

    C. Pick the worst gambler you know, find out who he's taking and go the other way. Never fails.

    RULE NO. 3: Before you select a team, make sure Marty Schottenheimer, Mike Tice, Mike Martz, Mike Sherman or Jim Mora isn't coaching them
    The 1.0 and 2.0 versions of this column only featured Mora and Schottenheimer, so we needed to include all three Mikes for the 3.0 version. I know, I know ... Marty and the Chargers have major sleeper potential this month. Just remember, they're being coached by the guy who was involved in more excruciating playoff losses than anyone else in the past 25 years.

    (Along those same lines ...)

    Mike Martz
    The guy with the headset is more important than you think.

    RULE NO. 4: When in doubt, check out the coaching matchups
    An easy rule of thumb: Before you make a selection, imagine you're watching the game and seeing one of those split-screen thingies with both coaches pacing the sidelines. Could you handle knowing that you backed the coach who looks like the overmatched doofus? For instance, six years ago, I took Miami over Buffalo simply because I didn't want to see a spilt-screen shot and know that I gambled on the doofus (Wade Phillips) over the guy who looked like a real coach (Jimmy Johnson). Sounds stupid? It worked. Buffalo doubled Miami's yardage and dominated the time of possession ... yet they still blew the game with four turnovers. Go figure.

    Here's a great current example: Let's say the Rams are playing the Eagles this month. You're about to talk yourself into the St. Louis money line as an upset pick. And then you imagine the split-screen ...

    There's Andy Reid on the left side, looking calm and confident, totally in charge...

    And there's Mike Martz on the right side, looking like a father holding a crying baby on a cross-country flight ...

    (Still like that Rams pick?)

    RULE NO. 5: Don't bet heavily against Brett Favre under any circumstances
    Here's what I wrote in 1997: "Brett Favre is pure evil. Never, ever, ever load up against the Packers because of him. Just stay away. He's the one player who can single-handedly turn the tables on any team, much like Barry Sanders, John Elway and Dan Marino in their primes. As Scatman Crothers said to Danny Torrance in "The Shining," "You stay away from Room 237 (and Brett Favre)! You hear me? Stay away!"

    Does that still stand in 2004? Of course not. He's at a different point of his career; if anything, he can single-handedly kill his team like no other quality QB in the league. But he's still Brett Favre. Always be careful with him. The sad thing is that there isn't another QB in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE worthy of that "Don't bet heavily against him" spot, unless you think Michael Vick has it in him. Remember, it's reserved for quarterbacks who can single-handedly win a game by themselves, regardless of the talent disparity between the two teams.

    RULE NO. 6: Ignore final records and concentrate on how the team finished the last five or six games of the season
    This isn't the NBA, where contenders can coast for a few months and "turn it on" for the playoffs. In the NFL playoffs, you're always better off gravitating towards hot teams and away from hot-and-cold teams (like the 2003 Rams or Broncos), or teams that peaked too early in the season (like the 2003 Chiefs). You can't "turn it on" in the NFL. Doesn't happen. So when you see that the 2004 Vikings have won three of their last 10 games ... well ...

    RULE NO. 7: When in doubt, research special teams and turnovers
    Sounds dumb? The Patriots won the 2002 AFC Championship Game in Pittsburgh thanks to touchdowns from a punt return and a blocked field goal, as well as Kordell Stewart giving them two huge picks down the stretch. Those things weren't accidents. The Pats had been making plays on special teams all season; Kordell had been killing the Steelers in big games for years. The funny thing is that Steelers fans still complain about this game, like the Pats were somehow fortunate to win. Are you kidding me? That game was a microcosm of everything that was right and wrong with those two teams.

    So here's what you do: Check out those two stats (special teams and turnovers) and remember that Pats-Steelers game, or even the Panthers-Rams game last January. In the playoffs, Little Things always end up becoming Big Things.

    RULE NO. 8: Beware of the Road Favorite
    If you're wagering on a Road Favorite in the playoffs, you better have a good reason ... and I mean, a really good reason, like "The Packers are heading into Atlanta for Round 2, Vick just came down with the ebola virus, and that Schaub guy is getting the start."

    (Hey, that reminds me ...)

    Tommy Maddox
    Would you every put your money in the hands of Tommy Maddox?

    RULE NO. 9: Check out the backup QBs ...
    And ask yourself one question: Are Vinny Testaverde, Tommy Maddox, Quincy Carter, Anthony Wright, Scott Mitchell, Cade McNown, Bubby Brister, Danny Kanell, Gus Frerotte, Mark Rypien, Spergeon Wynn, Stoney Case, the Huard brothers, the Detmer brothers, the McCown brothers, the Sklar Brothers, Dr. Jonathan Quinn, or anyone named "Billy Joe" involved in a "One hard hit to the starting QB, and they're quickly warming up on the sidelines" capacity?

    (Note: This is like checking the safety on a gun.)

    RULE NO. 10: Only pick an underdog or a road team if you're convinced they have a chance to win the game outright
    This used to be the paragraph where I rattled off cool gambling stats for the first three rounds, trying to demonstrate how gamblers should gravitate towards home teams except for one underdog pick every round (two if you were really feeling it). Unfortunately, that logic was blown out of the water by Round 2 of the 2004 Playoffs, when all four road teams inexplicably covered. So much for stats. In the age of parity, you can't play the percentages like that anymore. But here are two rules of thumb to remember:

    A. At least one underdog covers every round. Always. This will never change.

    B. If you're picking a road team to cover the spread, you better think they can win outright. For instance, here's what I wrote before talking myself into the Panthers over the Rams last January: "Don't get suckered into the Panthers on Saturday because you 'think they can keep it close.' You better believe they can knock Bulger around, move the ball with Stephen Davis, get some circus catches from Muhammad and Smith and come out of St. Louis with the Dubya. Or else take the Rams and lay the seven."

    RULE NO. 11: Beware of the easy two-team teaser on the same day
    I created this rule during the 2003 playoffs, after everyone and their brother teased the Jets (home against the Colts) and Packers (home against the Falcons) on the Saturday of Round 1. Well, the Gambling Gods didn't appreciate that ... so Michael Vick ended up having the game of his life in Lambeau. The same situation arose in Round 2 of the 2004 playoffs -- with the Pats (home against the Titans) and the Rams (home against the Panthers) -- and this time, I was ready:

    "This Rams-Pats tease is those 'Britney Spears X-Rated Video: Click here!' e-mails. In other words, any time something looks too easy, it usually is. Something weird is gonna happen. And it won't be with the Pats."

    What happened? The Rams lost to the Panthers. And a new gambling rule was born.

    RULE NO. 12: Never bet heavily against a playoff team that has a coach and an owner whose last names both end in a vowel
    A friend of a friend named Oaksie created this one three years ago, after San Fran pulled off two bizarre covers against Green Bay and Atlanta in the first two rounds (two games that smelled worse than Vlade Divac). Doesn't apply this season.

    RULE NO. 13: Never bet too much money on your own team
    Especially in the playoffs. If they lose, it's doubly excruciating and the collective devastation almost feels like a quadruple loss. Remember, gambling is supposed to be fun, despite how it turns out for every TV character.

    Tom Brady
    Even if it's easy money, the Gambling Gods never forgive a bet against your own team.

    (And I shouldn't need to remind you that you should never, ever, EVER wager against your own team. But I will, just for safety.)

    RULE NO. 14: Don't try to be a hero, just try to win money
    A new addition to the list. When the playoffs roll around, some gamblers have a tendency to get cute and go against the grain -- like with Jake and the Broncos this week -- so they talk themselves into stats like "Did you know the Broncos had the best time of possession mark of any team this season?" and "They could have been 14-2 with a couple of breaks," and suddenly you're going against Manning and the Colts at home like an idiot because you want to be a hero.

    Here's a good rule of thumb: Take a deep breath and ask yourself one question: "If my life depended on this pick, would I still be making this bet?"

    RULE NO. 15: Before you make your decisions, take one last look at the quarterbacks again
    (Note: I update this ending with every version of the column. In version 1.0, we used Jon Kitna and the Seahawks. In version 2.0, we used Elvis Grbac and the Ravens. This year? Jake the Snake.)

    Imagine taking the Broncos on Sunday afternoon:

    They're down by seven points, there's 11 minutes left in the game, the Broncos are at their own 12-yard-line, the Colts fans are going crazy ... and Jake Plummer is bending over center. He's nine-for-26 on the day, for 121 yards and three INTs, including one that Mike Doss brought back for a TD. You're PRAYING for Jake to hand off every down. And yet he's dropping back to pass again, and he's looking for Rod Smith over the middle, but he has to rush the throw ...

    Does that sound like a nightmare or what?

    Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His Sports Guy's World site is updated every day Monday through Friday.