Single page view By Bill Simmons
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PART ONE: "Anchorman" and the NBA

Before we delve into Part II of my "Anchorman"/NBA column, a few readers were wondering why it took me so long to see the movie in the first place. Honestly? When it came out to mixed reviews, I assumed that it was more on the "Night at the Roxbury"/"Ladies Man" level than the "Austin Powers" level. But if you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine -- I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for you, right here.

All the offseason news that stays classy.

On to Part II. Eighteen more quotes and exchanges from "Anchorman," handed out to the best and worst of the NBA's offseason so far:

18a. "Well guess what? Now this is happening. (Kicks dog over a bridge.) That's how I roll."

To Joe Johnson, who absorbed various slights from the Suns over the past 13 months, eventually signed a $70 million deal with Atlanta, then told Phoenix, "Don't bother matching, I don't want to come back." Normally, I'm against the player in this type of situation, but here was one of the best 25 players in the league with leverage ... and they yanked him around for a solid year. Now he's gone. Can you blame him?

In fact ...

18b. "Whhaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha! The man punted Baxter ... whaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha. Mrmmememme motorcycle bridge I hit him with a burrito-ahhhhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm in a glass case of emotion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(Not only was that one of the funniest moments in the movie, it inspired me to put my Hubie Brown wig on for a couple of sentences. Here we go ... )

Now, you're a Suns fan. Last summer, your team sacrificed the No. 7 pick for enough cap space to sign Steve Nash and Quentin Richardson, who are two outstanding young men. The team ended up winning 62 games and becoming the talk of the league, and the Western Finals would have been a completely different series with a healthy Johnson, who's an extraordinary young man. Now, you trade 'Q' and the 21st pick for Kurt Thomas, a big body that you desperately need. That allows you to move Amare Stoudamire to his natural position, power forward, where the sky is the limit for him. And after you signed Raja Bell to beef up your bench, you were probably the favorite for the 2006 title.

(Taking off the Hubie wig ... )

So what happened? Johnson gets traded for Boris Diaw and two future first-rounders. How does that make sense? You spend the last two years giving away first-rounders and building a contender for the immediate future ... now you're trading one of your three indispensable players for future picks? Whaaaaaaaaaat???? More importantly, has anyone ever won the "Executive of the Year" award (like Bryan Colangelo in 2005) and been eligible for the Bill Russell Worst Executive of the Year Award in the same calendar year? Suddenly, they're one Steve Nash herniated disk away from winning 35 games. Unbelievable.

Of course ...

18c. "Take me to Pleasure Town!"
"Oh, we're going there!"

Not so fast, Hawks fans. Given the events of Thursday night, we're changing this one to ...

18d. "I immediately regret this decision."

Yep, you knew the Hawks would somehow screw this up. As the headline on said, "Discord among Hawks partners delaying deal with Suns," with their ownership group apparently battling over the trade (one partner is against it). Reportedly, there was even a restraining order filed, which normally doesn't happen in the NBA unless one of the Trail Blazers is involved. Regardless of how this plays out, you have to feel terrible for Hawks fans ... all 1,500 of them.


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