By The Intern
Page 2

After watching the Falcons sleepwalk through the first 30 minutes of yesterday's game against the Seahawks, only to have a potential second-half comeback squandered by Michael Vick's left hamstring, I am not in the best of moods. However, rather than take it out on you, the reader, the following three individuals shall feel my wrath:

1. Michael Jenkins -- You actually had me longing for the good ol' days of Peerless Price. I suggest symbolically dropping this week's paycheck as well.

2. Daunte Culpepper -- You've single-handedly turned my fantasy team into a laughingstock. For an encore, how about you steal my car and burn down my apartment.

3. Walter Jones -- I get it. He's a great offensive tackle. But I got that after the 17th highlight of him manhandling Patrick Kerney yesterday. Personally, I thought the next 380 references to Walter were a tad much. "Walter Jones is the best player in football; Walter Jones drags SUV's through the parking lot; Walter Jones spent halftime snacking on a herd of buffalo and washing them down with an entire river." By the end of the game, I wasn't sure if it was Walter Jones blocking for the Seahawks or Bill Brasky.

Ron (Michael B. in Skokie, Ill.) -- Ron Artest is a TruWarier. As Ron explains -- "Rather than being known as the type of warrior that battles with weapons, I chose a creative spelling and created a new definition." Ron Artest would be unstoppable at Scrabble. (Matt W. in Arlington, Va.) -- The Ewing Theory nonchalantly cited in an investment advice column (about 2/3 through, under "the modest winner"). It won't be long before the Ewing Theory branches off and gets its own gig, kind of like the Dr. Phil to Simmons' Oprah.

The Sporting News -- Youppi!, the recently unemployed former Expos mascot, just signed with the Montreal Canadians. Considering that an ungodly amount of Canadian readers wrote in about this, it's apparently earth-shattering news up there. I'm not sure if I'm linking to this out of respect or pity. (Jeff F.) Pat Burrell: World's Laziest Signature. (Peter W.) -- More on David from "Real World: New Orleans" (second entry down). When asked for his thoughts on the city, David basically riffed on "Pee Wee's Big Adventure." I'm not even kidding. Change "RJ the Harmonica Man" to "Large Marge," and you wouldn't be able to tell a difference. -- Today is apparently Talk Like a Pirate Day, and, according to the site, it's already gotten a ton of pub. I needed a new ridiculous cause anyway.

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