By The Intern
Page 2

If it wasn't for fantasy basketball, I'd either be dead or in prison.

Okay, that's not even remotely true, but I've always wanted to type that. Still, consider the following:

• I have no idea what I'm doing when this gig runs up in a couple months. My suggestion of an Intern's World (including hiring my own intern and creating one of those "tv picture inside the tv picture to infinity" effects) was laughed at. In fact, if anyone's looking to hire a new columnist with ties to Atlanta and a random law degree, you know where to find me. Otherwise, I might have to seriously consider buying a bowling alley and reenacting the first season of "Ed."

• Speaking of that law degree, I shouldn't get ahead of myself. In previous exam periods, "missing class to finish The Links" wasn't exactly a recurring issue. If I was one of those crazed Type A students, my head would have exploded from anxiety roughly 2 months ago. The opium helps, too.

• The Falcons got absolutely worked yesterday. First time this season they looked clearly inferior, not to mention their playoff prospects just got a whole lot shakier. No fun to watch.

Despite all this, I've currently got a "Montana in the pocket" calm about me. Why, you ask? Because my fantasy basketball team is '96 Bulls good. I took LeBron with the first pick, lucked into Pierce and Brand on the snake-back, stole Chris Paul and Jason Richardson later on, and recently pulled off a one-sided trade for Samuel Dalembert (giving me that elusive 2nd center). Only injury could derail my date with destiny (knocking on wood). Every morning, I wake up, see that first place standing, and go right to the happy place. It's like Instant Zen.

Anyway, some would call this value system sad. I call it heroic. -- (Christopher M.; SOUND) -- My perfect start to the week would involve Jessica Alba and Elisha Cuthbert, a winning lottery ticket, a 10 day contract with the Hawks, and maybe world peace or something. A close second would be watching this video. -- (SOUND) More '80s goodness. Not only hockey's response to "The Super Bowl Shuffle," but also a moving tribute to mustaches everywhere. (Chuck L. in Houston) -- RoboCop: Part man. Part machine. All scholar. -- Conspiracy theorist Anna Benson rips the Mets front office while throwing in some unprovoked jabs at Carlos Delgado for good measure. For example, "Playboy is all-American. Everyone from Marilyn Monroe to Cindy Crawford has posed. They didn't turn their back on the flag." Fortunately for her, she could be pro-oil spill and no one would care. Hot is hot ( (immediate SOUND). (Ryan in Dallas; SOUND) -- The genius of this video is never showing us the "Go Raiders!" guy (he's like a belligerently drunk Dr. Claw). I'm picturing a shirtless Jeff Foxworthy in a Viking hat, but really, he could be anyone. Use your imagination.

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