By The Intern
Page 2

I'll be gone for the next couple of weeks on sabbatical. There was talk of illegal whale hunting in the deep Pacific, but that one fell through at the end. Instead, I'll probably just take exams or something.

Anyway, enjoy the holiday. (Matt in Minneapolis) -- In his latest "Mad Dog Blog" entry, Mark Madsen eavesdrops on KG, Rashad McCants, and Eddie Griffin, watches Trenton Hassell play PS2 tennis, and learns life lessons from a strangely Confucious-like Wally Szczerbiak. (Douglas R. in Edgewater, MD) -- Conversation I would have every day for the rest of my life ...

Visitor: "What's that on your mantel?"
Me: "What does it look like? It's my Heisman."
Visitor: "But ... that makes no ... HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT??!!!"
Me: (sighing) "I was the best collegiate football player in the land. Don't be an idiot." -- When Kurt Thomas and Stephon Marbury meet at half-court tonight, look for the Single A version of Shaq vs. Kobe (since apparently Thomas infamously tried to deck Marbury last season, although I have no recollection of this whatsoever). In fact, when asked what NY point guard he most misses playing with, Thomas went with "Charlie Ward." Well played, Kurt. (Dan in Corona, CA) -- If there was a Top 10 Signs You Need a New Partner, I'm pretty sure that getting tasered over a soft drink dispute would rank #1. And yes, Tackleberry was fired for this. -- The new "Dancing with Stars" cast was unveiled, including ... Kenny Mayne? That almost cancels out having to watch the greatest wide receiver of all-time ballroom dance on reality television. Almost. -- For the time being, I would avoid crossing paths with mercilessly hazed Vikings rookie Erasmus James. Best part of this story is Pat Williams' final taunt, "He's going to cry when he gets home." The Vikings are like a 5th grade classroom, only with sex boat parties.

THURSDAY -- I swear I'm not a silent investor in (in Tuesday's links) or anything, but Ken W. pointed something interesting out. The site's co-founder and VP of Research, Jeff Ma, is none other than "Kevin Lewis," the protagonist from "Bringing Down the House" (the New York Times bestseller on the MIT blackjack team). Pretty cool for those who have read the book. (Mathison in Wakefield, MA; scroll to bottom for songs) -- Total Body Workout, a thirteen song Schwarzenegger workout album. And that's ALBUM, not video. Basically, The Governator just counts, periodically interjecting commands like "Breathe!" or "Use your legs!," while a random Eddie Money song plays in the background. If you're expecting a holiday gift from me this season, expect this. -- Bret Michaels, amid reports of a potential Poison comeback, was shot at with a BB gun. I think there's an allegation in here of this being a publicity stunt, but I was far too distracted by Bret's hat to be certain. It looks like he's wearing an enflamed rattlesnake on his head. (Dan in Long Beach, NY) -- A.J. Pierzynski, under the tutelage of Bobby "The Brain," is making the temporary switch to pro wrestling manager. According to A.J., "[b]eing on Oprah was about as good as it gets, but this is right up there." I don't even have a response here. -- Soccer coach suspended indefinitely after head-butting an opposing player. This got me thinking -- which U.S. coach would I most want to see pull a similar stunt? After careful consideration, I'm going with Lawrence Frank. In fact, no one else even comes close. (Justin L.) -- "I'm back."

WEDNESDAY (Steve S. in Erie, PA) -- John Holmes gets his tour card, shoots 69. Of course he did. (Joe in Stamford, CT) -- Actual exchange:

Chris Kaman: "Ahhh!"

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: "Ahhhhhhh!"

Chris Kaman: "AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Zydrunas Ilguaskas: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Josh F.) -- The Miz goes to a strip club, explains proper etiquette. For example, #4 on his list of carefully crafted stripper rules reads, "Don't ask what I like. KNOW what I like (that's for all girls). Don't be timid, go with the gut. When I talked about being Miz that went for you too." The manners, the charisma, the ability to motivate ... this man is the total package. -- Henry Hill (of "Goodfellas" fame) gets 180 days in prison for threatening his wife and another man. Ray Liotta press conference scheduled for later this afternoon. (Nick S.) -- Diamond Dallas Page is suing Jay-Z over use of the "Diamond Cutter" hand signal. If I were Jay-Z, I would show up with a copy of Page's new book (, calmly explain that he has relinquished all rights to the move, and then Diamond Cut the bailiff on my way out. I would also lockdown Beyonce before it's too late, but that's neither here nor there.

TUESDAY (Joe C.) -- Check out this pic from the "Rocky VI" set. Sly actually looks lost, like he was out searching for a 4 o'clock buffet and wound up at a weigh-in. Fantastic handlebar mustache in the background, too. -- Al Sharpton's getting his own sitcom. Reader Sean in Memphis sums it up best -- "They destroy 'NewsRadio,' under-promote 'The Office' and cancel 'Arrested Development,' but they have time for this? I don't want to be a human being anymore." Amen. (Kirk W.) -- More news of Scott Stapp being Scott Stapp. I almost feel sorry for him, like all he wants is a little companionship, a shoulder to cry on ... a friend. Then again, he's soulless and I hate him. (Scott B. in Toronto) -- Protrade will be to fantasy football what TiVo is to television. Or it's completely over-the-top and has no future whatsoever. It's one or the other, though. I can tell you that. (registration required) -- Long article on Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach, and you have to register, but it's worth it. Inside, Coach Leach stops to look at grasshoppers on the field after a game, explains his extraordinary love for all things pirate, and inline skates down the middle of busy roads. And that's just a teaser.

If it wasn't for fantasy basketball, I'd either be dead or in prison.

Okay, that's not even remotely true, but I've always wanted to type that. Still, consider the following:

• I have no idea what I'm doing when this gig runs up in a couple months. My suggestion of an Intern's World (including hiring my own intern and creating one of those "tv picture inside the tv picture to infinity" effects) was laughed at. In fact, if anyone's looking to hire a new columnist with ties to Atlanta and a random law degree, you know where to find me. Otherwise, I might have to seriously consider buying a bowling alley and reenacting the first season of "Ed."

• Speaking of that law degree, I shouldn't get ahead of myself. In previous exam periods, "missing class to finish The Links" wasn't exactly a recurring issue. If I was one of those crazed Type A students, my head would have exploded from anxiety roughly 2 months ago. The opium helps, too.

• The Falcons got absolutely worked yesterday. First time this season they looked clearly inferior, not to mention their playoff prospects just got a whole lot shakier. No fun to watch.

Despite all this, I've currently got a "Montana in the pocket" calm about me. Why, you ask? Because my fantasy basketball team is '96 Bulls good. I took LeBron with the first pick, lucked into Pierce and Brand on the snake-back, stole Chris Paul and Jason Richardson later on, and recently pulled off a one-sided trade for Samuel Dalembert (giving me that elusive 2nd center). Only injury could derail my date with destiny (knocking on wood). Every morning, I wake up, see that first place standing, and go right to the happy place. It's like Instant Zen.

Anyway, some would call this value system sad. I call it heroic. -- (Christopher M.; SOUND) -- My perfect start to the week would involve Jessica Alba and Elisha Cuthbert, a winning lottery ticket, a 10 day contract with the Hawks, and maybe world peace or something. A close second would be watching this video. -- (SOUND) More '80s goodness. Not only hockey's response to "The Super Bowl Shuffle," but also a moving tribute to mustaches everywhere. (Chuck L. in Houston) -- RoboCop: Part man. Part machine. All scholar. -- Conspiracy theorist Anna Benson rips the Mets front office while throwing in some unprovoked jabs at Carlos Delgado for good measure. For example, "Playboy is all-American. Everyone from Marilyn Monroe to Cindy Crawford has posed. They didn't turn their back on the flag." Fortunately for her, she could be pro-oil spill and no one would care. Hot is hot ( (immediate SOUND). (Ryan in Dallas; SOUND) -- The genius of this video is never showing us the "Go Raiders!" guy (he's like a belligerently drunk Dr. Claw). I'm picturing a shirtless Jeff Foxworthy in a Viking hat, but really, he could be anyone. Use your imagination.

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