You loved it, you missed it, you pined for it … That's right, it's the Sports Guy Mailbag! As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.
How can your Roger Clemens voodoo doll continue to work? I should congratulate you.
-- Michael N., New Bern, N.C.
SG: Thanks, it has been a great run, and my work is just about done. Time for a new doll. Gary Bettman, prepare to have your life turned upside down! Canada, I got your back.
Bill, we have got to do something about Billy Packer.
-- Royce, Los Angeles
SG: Um, that's not even a question. And I can't respond without being considered an accomplice. But look at the bright side — when Billy finally steps down, basketball fans will celebrate that date each year like it's Cinco de Mayo. So we have that going for us, right? We'll call it Curmudgeon Liberation Day.
I loved your idea that For Love of the Game should be re-released with every Kelly Preston scene edited out. I'd give you final cut on every sports movie. What would you do if you were Sports Movie Czar?
-- Timothy P., Chapel Hill, N.C.
SG: The five biggies: I'd CGI the first Balboa-Creed fight so we don't see any empty seats, re-edit "Any Given Sunday" so we don't need four Dramamine pills to watch it, remove the prostitute subplot from "He Got Game," digitally enhance every Sam Jackson scene in "Coach Carter" so he's wearing his "Pulp Fiction" wig and CGI the climactic penalty kick in "Victory" so Stallone punches the ball instead of catches it. (Look, I'll buy Sly scaling a 35,000-foot mountain in "Rocky IV," and I'll buy him killing 345 people in "Rambo II" and "Cobra" without getting nicked by a single bullet. But catching a penalty kick? No. Absolutely not.)
If I read one more steroids article, I am going to give myself a B12 shot in my right temple. Can you suggest another story to write or investigate?
-- Mike G., Philly
SG: Put the B12 needle down, Mike! You have too much to live for! I want someone to investigate James Andrews, the orthopedic surgeon. The guy has a monopoly on treating star athletes with major injuries. Aren't monopolies illegal? It's not even like he lives in Manhattan or L.A. Dude lives in Alabama. Can he be so much better than every other surgeon that it's worth going to Alabama? What does he charge? How much money does he have? Could he buy his own team? Seriously, who would you rather see a news show ambush: Miguel Tejada, for the lie on his birth certificate, or Dr. Andrews, for having a sports ligament monopoly?
What's the opposite of "adjustments"? Because that's what Doc Rivers does in the playoffs. He's like Belichick after a head injury.
-- Donnie, Cambridge, Mass.
SG: Dejustments? Unjustments? Disjudgments? Docjustments?
Announcers keep calling Jannero Pargo an X factor. What's the opposite of an X factor? Think Josh Howard in the Mavs-Hornets series.
-- Ryan, Dallas
SG: What am I — King of NBA Antonyms now? I'll go with "F factor." Sums it up nicely.
How was Isiah able to stay in the NBA for so long without Stern stepping in? I think it's part of Stern's master plan for training Isiah to destroy the WNBA without having it traced back to Stern himself. When Isiah becomes the new WNBA commish, you heard it here first.
-- Chris, D.C.
SG: I think Stern is going to convince Isiah to run for mayor of Seattle under the guise of "trying" to save the Sonics. Within nine months of Isiah's taking over, the Sonics will be gone, Starbucks stock will have dwindled to $2 and fish at Pike Place will cost $32 an ounce. It's the only way Stern could screw over Seattle worse than he already has.
Shouldn't Jered Weaver have "Chico's Bail Bonds" stenciled across the back of his jersey?
-- Brian, Auburn, Maine
Why is there no sports book in McCarran Airport in Vegas? The place is full of slot machines. Isn't a sports book the perfect gambling option for someone on a layover who doesn't want to play slots?
-- Jeff, Valparaiso, Ind.
SG: You're making too much sense. McCarran needs a sports book, blackjack and craps, and it needs an area where you can walk around in a black leather jacket screaming "Serrano's got the disks! Serrano's got the disks!" without airport security tackling you.
Barry Zito is 0-6 with an ERA of about 8. When can we officially call him "the Biggest Free Agent Bust in MLB History"?
-- Dan F., East Lansing, Mich.
SG: I'm going with "the day he signed the contract." Zito's downfall was easier to call than the Star Jones-Al Reynolds divorce.
During the Rockets-Jazz series they showed a McGrady/Boozer split-screen playoff commercial. How funny would it have been if they chose Dikembe Mutombo and Andrei Kirilenko? That's the funniest possible combo, right? I bet you can't top Kirilenko and Dikembe.
-- Scott, Austin, Texas
SG: What about a split-screen with George Karl and Flip Saunders in which Flip is staring confusedly into the camera, jaw twitching, and Karl doesn't move or blink for 30 solid seconds. Those two images make me think, It's playoff time!
If you owned a Derby horse, how would you choose its name?
-- Adam, Burlington, Vt.
SG: I'm a two-name guy for horses and fantasy teams. Big Brown makes me light up like Jack Horner. I'd also want to humiliate Clemens with my horse's name, you know, just because. So I'd buy a filly and name her either Miss Remember, Pool Party or Jailbait Mindy.
"88 Minutes" has been panned as one of the worst movies in recent memory. Don't you think Al Pacino is the Brett Favre of Hollywood — a guy who gets a break for his terrible recent work because of his legendary past performances?
-- Tim, New York
SG: Good god, you just caused a riot in Wisconsin! They're whipping dark beer and cheese curds at each other. Someone stop them!
If you were Tiger, would you travel to random clubs to set the course record just to get your name on top of as many lists as possible?
-- Ryan M., Wichita, Kan.
SG: Yup. I'd also marry a Swedish nanny, star in my own video game and sit courtside for NBA games wearing white Nike muscle shirts. Those would be the four things I'd do. I don't care if three of them aren't original.
You always use the phrase "mailing it in" when you refer to guys like Vince Carter. Doesn't it take a huge effort to mail something these days? When is the last time you wrote a letter and mailed it — 15 years ago? Let's replace the phrase with a modern equivalent.
-- Erik, Phoenix
SG: Great idea. I vote for "texted it in." For example, "When Bill couldn't come up with a real idea for his magazine column, he texted it in with a mailbag."
See — it works like a charm!
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