In case you were too shocked realizing Captain and Tennille are actual people (just me?) and missed out on sports, we've got you covered. Here's everything you missed last night.
Canadian sensation Eugenie Bouchard was eliminated by Li Na at the Australian Open on Thursday, but it turns out the day wasn't a total loss. After her quarterfinal win over Ana Ivanovic earlier in the week, the 19-year-old now famously declared Justin Bieber as her celebrity crush, much to the dismay of the crowd. Or maybe they were just booing that such a strange question was asked immediately after the biggest moment in their career. But I digress. Someone must have told the singer, and he took to Twitter before her semifinal match.
@geniebouchard good luck :)
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) January 22, 2014
Just hours after the tweet appeared, Bouchard was packing her bags and Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach on suspicion of DUI and drag racing. Moral of the story: YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER, GENIE. Please set your sights on Drake or Ryan Gosling or any Canadian male not named Justin Bieber.
Spike in frustration
The New York Knicks continued their season-long quest to completely humiliate their fans Wednesday night in a 110-106 loss to the Philadelphia 76ers. Superfan Spike Lee was decidedly not happy during the game and took out his frustrations on a nearby referee. As anyone with free courtside seats would do, I'm sure.
While fans were letting this silly little game bring them down, the always-lovable J.R. Smith was having the time of his life. He brought his air-guitar skills to a halftime performance of a Lumineers' cover. I mean, why let being en route to a fifth straight loss bring you down? I guess we should just be grateful he didn't decide to sing.
On the plus side for Knicks fans, Andrea Bargnani did try to do something productive during the game. On the not-so-plus side, his attempt at a posterizing dunk was one of the saddest feats witnessed in a basketball game, EVER. Like many fails before it, you can now view this lowlight appropriately set to the tune of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly."
In the house
With the Los Angeles Lakers in town to play the Miami Heat on Thursday night, the Miami Hurricanes' game against the Duke Blue Devils drew more than its fair share of NBA stars Wednesday night. LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant and Duke alum Shane Battier were all in attendance. Kobe was even spotted throwing up "The U" because, of course he was.
— Los Angeles Lakers (@Lakers) January 23, 2014
But it was recently signed Lakers guard Kendall Marshall -- a standout at North Carolina during his college days -- who provided the most entertainment. Determined to not sit behind Duke's bench, Marshall offered to trade his tickets on Twitter for seats ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE ARENA. Spoken like a true Tar Heels fan.
— Kendall Marshall (@KButter5) January 23, 2014
As reported here and on 15,897 other sites, Lindsey Vonn recently adopted an adorable dog named Leo. Like Vonn, Leo has a "bum knee" and the two have quickly bonded over their shared injury. And now you, too, can get to know Leo and follow his every move with his brand-new Instagram account. All your hopes and dreams have finally come true!
A better look
In good news for everyone who doesn't like a freaskish bird mascot haunting their soul, the New Orleans Pelicans are reportedly planning on redesigning Pierre the Pelican.
Real mascot news: Hearing Pellies are re-designing Pierre's head to make him "less scary," hopefully by All-Star weekend in New Orleans.
— Zach Lowe (@ZachLowe_NBA) January 22, 2014
So now New Orleans fans will only get to have nightmares about the game they just witnessed. On his unofficial Twitter account, Pierre shared his displeasure about the news.
— Pierre The Pelican (@PelicanPierre) January 23, 2014
— Pierre The Pelican (@PelicanPierre) January 22, 2014
Alana Nichols has won gold at both the Summer and Winter Paralympics, but now she can add winning late-night television to her already impressive resume. The Sochi-bound Alpine skier appeared on Conan O'Brien's show and brought a surprise highlight reel to share with the audience.
Your move, Paul Rudd.
See something worthy of inclusion on social media? Send it my way on Twitter, @darcymaine_espn.