In case you were too busy wondering why anyone cares if Shia LaBeouf is sorry seeing as he's not famous anymore and missed out on sports, we've got you covered. Here's everything you missed last night.
Not even a grain of truth
On Monday, reports surfaced that Blake Griffin had smacked Justin Bieber at a Los Angeles Starbucks after the pop star angrily confronted a barista who refused to serve him a caramel apple macchiato until he put a shirt on. I will now give you 45 seconds to read that sentence again, visualize the dramatic scene and appreciate it in all its glory.
While instantly dismissed as false by most reputable news outlets, Lakers
star player Chris Kaman added some legitimacy to the rumor with a tweet that claimed he also was in the Starbucks getting his pumpkin spice latte on and witnessed the ordeal.
I was sitting in the corner of Starbucks and Blake did not smack Bieber! Well at least not that hard.....
- Chris Kaman (@ChrisKaman) February 11, 2014
But before you run to the store to purchase a #TeamBlake shirt, Kaman later said he was just joking, and he likely went back to hunting wild animals in the Hollywood Hills. Bieber has reportedly been out of California all week, so I think it's safe to say this is one of those stories that isn't real no matter how much we all collectively wish it was.
Take a look at me now
Sloevnia's Tina Maze and Switzerland's Dominique Gisin made Olympic history on Wednesday when they tied for the gold medal in the women's downhill. The friends held hands atop the podium as they listened to the anthems of both countries. And while that's super adorable and all, Maze instantly became the real winner on social media after a music video she made in 2012 surfaced. Complete with a ski guitar montage (yup, that's a thing) and indoor helmet-wearing, this is sure to be the Olympic Village anthem and likely a track on the next Hillary Duff album.
Mock if you want, but you'll be involuntarily singing this song for the next three hours. Trust me. My way is my decision. Wohooowoohoo.
Sweeping the nation
Like many people around the world, you've likely begun to experience symptoms associated with "curling fever" -- an outbreak that lasts for two weeks and then stays completely dormant for four years. Don't fear, it has no long-term health effects and you won't even remember it hit you in three months. The top-ranked Syracuse men's basketball team proved no one is immune to this condition. An Orange practice turned into a curling session earlier this week.
Taking the cake
The Canadian women's hockey team beat Team USA 3-2 on Wednesday morning in what was likely a preview of the gold-medal game. Meghan Agosta-Marciano, who is celebrating her 27th birthday today, gave herself the best present of all by scoring two goals in the win. You can join in the festivities by singing "Happy Birthday" while you watch one of her goals on repeat. If you're too devastated by the U.S. loss, just eat your feelings with a delicious birthday cake.
Change is scary
Just when you thought Pierre the Pelican couldn't get any scarier, the New Orleans Pelicans mascot had to go and post pictures from after his "surgery" to appear less frightening to children and people who are afraid of avian possession. THIS ISN'T HELPING, PIERRE!
- New Orleans Pelicans (@PelicansNBA) February 11, 2014
Like seemingly every NBA player this week, unibrowed wonder Anthony Davis shared his submission for the social media dunk contest with this windmill slam.
At this rate, the NBA will undoubtedly be determining the winner of this contest next year by number of retweets and likes. The future, everybody!
Check this out
Amar'e Stoudemire donned a hooded fur vest and golden Menorah necklace to a Fashion Week show in New York. Please insert your best caption here. Mainly because I am too speechless to come up with the proper words to describe what is going on.
See something worthy of inclusion on social media? Send it my way on Twitter, @darcymaine_espn.