That's What She Said: 'Sandbox edition'

Damon Bruce recently said "very few" women are good at sports commentary. Christopher Hanewinckel/USA TODAY Sports

San Francisco sports radio host Damon Bruce made big news last week when he spent nearly 10 minutes of his show explaining how women are ruining sports. And wouldn't you know it, like clockwork, a bunch of uppity, big-mouthed females (and the simp men who support them) came calling for his head.

Bruce's thoughts on the "feminization" of sports were inspired by the ongoing Miami Dolphins locker room harassment incident, a situation he believes has been wrongly analyzed by the sports media's growing number of female reporters and "sensitive men." As Bruce asserted, allowing women into the decidedly male world of sports, aka "the sandbox," has caused sports to "lose its way."

You see, as Bruce explained, sports are "set to the dial of men." (If you're looking for it on your radio, the "men" frequency can be found by striking the "seek" button repeatedly with a hammer until it breaks off.) Women have always known their place (on the sideline in cheerleading uniforms) and men theirs (playing, coaching, managing, writing on and talking about sports).

But in this new era of "feminism" and "feelings" and "concussion awareness" and "racial sensitivity," women aren't just visiting the sandbox, they're trying to turn the dial. (If you're looking for it in your sandbox, the "sports dial" can be found by looking just to the left of the Schlitz six-pack and under the can of Skoal.)

"We're not changing a thing," Bruce tried to explain to a generation of women sure to turn a deaf ear. "It's a man's world. It's the last place where men will be men. ... This is guy stuff. This is men's stuff. And I don't expect women to understand men's stuff any more than they expect me to be able to relate to labor pains."

Bruce's outrage is understandable. It's a simple concept: When girl embryos begin developing vaginas, wombs and uteruses, boy embryos begin developing penises, prostates and sports acumen. Men will never understand what it's like to have a child, the same way women will never really understand the difference between a 4-3 and a 3-4 defense. There are just some things that are gender-specific, no matter how much modern women keep trying to force equality.

Men were born already wired for the world of sports; they're built and made to embrace the violence, the competitiveness, the tight spandex pants, the butt-slaps. A woman trying to live in the world of sports makes about as much sense as a man trying to succeed as a chef, fashion designer or decorator. Fashion is set to the dial of women. That eye for prints and patterns ain't something you learn, it's something you're born with.

But, of course, all these yappers with their panties in a bunch can't accept their gender-specific limitations. Their tweets, letters and op-eds got Bruce in a mess of trouble. He was suspended from his KNBR show for two full days, and sources told the "Bay Area Sports Guy" blog that he has been permanently removed as host of the 49ers' pregame show despite his heartfelt apology to listeners.

Typical. A man tries to put women in their place and he's the one who gets muted. You want proof that Bruce was right about women ruining sports, there's your proof. And if he hadn't been censored by the feminazis, he could have gone on for hours talking about all the other ways women have messed up the sports world.

For example: football games. Remember when going to a game was about drinking beer, watching men be men and checking out those sideline foxes shaking their pompoms? Not anymore. Women have taken over, and they want to make this game about them. "Wear pink!" "Support breast cancer awareness!" "Look at us, football is about women!" If men are expected to think about breasts during a football game, they'd better be attached to a cheerleader.

Speaking of attractive females, remember when the only women at a fantasy football draft were the Hooters waitresses dishing out beer and wings? Now, women everywhere are trying to butt in on fantasy football leagues. More like harsh-dose-of-reality football leagues, amiright? Where's the fantasy in talking football with women? And how about when those women win the league? Talk about lucky.

Women have even tried to spoil sports movies. Were they serious with that "A League Of Their Own" flick? If Madonna is gonna be in a movie, she should be in bed, wearing a nightgown and talking about sex. And just look at the end of "Million Dollar Baby" -- pretty sure that's all you need to know about women trying to get into the sports sandbox.

Oh, and what about Title IX? That thing has resulted in literally millions of girls skipping out on home ec classes and manicures and trying to play sports instead. Do little to no research and you'll discover that Title IX is 100 percent responsible for the death of almost all men's college sports. Look it up.

Imagine if we had the time to talk about all of the other things women have ruined by getting involved! Things like voting (remind me why women's suffrage is celebrated?), reproductive health (men have handled caring for women's bodies for years, why butt in now?), the workplace (men deserve higher pay because their brains are bigger -- it's science) and home life (I think men can take care of the money-making, gals).

The good news is, the KNBR higher-ups (hint: They're all folks with bigger brains) came to their senses and returned Bruce to his rightful place, hosting weekdays at noon. He returned to the airwaves Tuesday and got the sports world back on track, with the dial firmly set to "men" and the "sandbox" decidedly girl-free.