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The 2020 NFL draft: a fantasy chat transcript

Bob Quinn and his fellow NFL GMs will have plenty of opportunity to explain their picks to their respective fan bases once the draft is over. AP Photo/Carlos Osorio

Drafting remotely might be new for NFL general managers, but it's old hat for fantasy players, who are quite used to drafting on a clock much tighter than 10 minutes and still have time to lay down the smack talk in the online chat.

In honor of life imitating art -- because good smack talk is indeed an art form -- we imagined what it might be like if the 32 NFL GMs were instead participating in a fantasy draft.

***DRAFT IS OPEN***

MikeBrown: I know we're on the clock for the 1st pick. But just want to wait my full time in case Bill O'Brien offers a deal I can't turn down.

SteveKeimAzGM: Unexpectedly savvy, Mr. Brown.

MikeBrown: This actually isn't Mr. Brown. He goes to bed at 7:30 after Wheel of Fortune. This is his administrative assistant. I'm drafting for him.

TennGM: Just an FYI, everybody: Bill O'Brien told me he's going to be late for the draft. He's trading in his MacBook Pro for a desktop IBM with Windows 95. Said he felt the MacBook Pro was "too showy" for what he needs. So we can start.

MikeBrown: OK.

***#1 CINCINNATI DRAFTS: Joe Burrow, QB, LSU***

MikeBrown: We finally have a franchise QB!

SteelersGM: But Joe Burrow said he wants to be a winner. You've ruined his dreams.

MikeBrown: Super funny. Good luck finding a replacement for Roethlisberger at pick 49. You have a better chance of building one out of food particles pulled from his beard.

***#2 WASHINGTON DRAFTS: Cole Kmet, TE, NOTRE DAME***

EagleRoseman: Hahahahaha. Way too early for a TE.

WashGM: Well, we really need a TE and Kmet is the best on the board.

EagleRoseman: Huh. I can't imagine needing a TE. We have two good ones in Zach Ertz and Dallas Goedert. TWO!

WashGM: We basically only have Jeremy Sprinkle right now.

EagleRoseman: Pretty sure that's a made-up name.

***#3 DETROIT DRAFTS: Tua Tagovailoa, QB, ALABAMA***

GBsGM: Why?!?! You already have Stafford.

BobQuinn: I heard Belichick likes him, so that's good enough for me.

GBsGM: Hahahahaha.

BobQuinn: Laugh it up. Let's move on. The Giants are up.

DaveGettleman: Google, who are good football players?

DaveGettleman: GOOGLE, WHO ARE GOOD FOOTBALL PLAYERS?

EagleRoseman: Ohmigod I can't believe this is happening. But also ... I can.

DaveGettleman: Google draft Saquon Barkley

EagleRoseman: Dave, this is a rookie draft.

DaveGettleman: Is that you, Google?

EagleRoseman: Uh ... sure?

DaveGettleman: Tell me how I draft Saquon Barkley.

EagleRoseman: "Just click the Draft button." - Google

DaveGettleman: Thank you, Google.

***#4 N.Y. GIANTS DRAFT: Jonathan Taylor, RB, WISCONSIN***

EagleRoseman: Poor kid. Got Best Available'd to the Giants.

DaveGettleman: Google, you misspelled Saquon Barkley.

***#5 MIAMI DRAFTS: CeeDee Lamb, WR, OKLAHOMA***

TBsGM: Too bad you don't have anyone to throw to him.

MiaGM: Ryan Fitzpatrick beat Tom Brady in Week 17 last year. Fitzmagic is also 5 years younger than Brady, had a higher QBR last season by 13 points and costs a fraction of what you're paying Brady.

TBsGM: No need to get personal, man. Jeesh. We're just trying to have some fun.

MiaGM: Also, I can just draft a QB later in this round if I want. I have like 40 picks in the 1st round.

TBsGM: Nobody likes a showoff.

***#6 L.A. CHARGERS DRAFT: Justin Herbert, QB, OREGON***

GMofLAC: From a quarterback with 15 kids to a quarterback who is a kid.

RamsGM: By the way, wanted to tell you that I love the new Chargers logo.

GMofLAC: We didn't get a new logo. You did.

RamsGM: Are you sure? It looks like an L.A. Chargers logo.

GMofLAC: Sorry, that's yours.

RamsGM: Whaaaaat?

***#7 CAROLINA DRAFTS: Jerry Jeudy, WR, ALABAMA***

PanthersGM: Huge weapon added to our offense. Not that it matters ... this is a fantasy draft and since I have McCaffrey, I already pretty much won.

***#8 ARIZONA DRAFTS: Harrison Bryant, TE, FLORIDA ATLANTIC***

SteveKeimAzGM: Bit of a reach, but TE is a position of need, especially since we now have a superstar WR in his prime. And if this Bryant kid doesn't pan out, I can always upsell him to Bill O'Brien.

BOB: Sorry, guys, just arrived to the draft. Did I miss anything? Any good rookie kickers been taken? I can trade you DeShaun Watson for one.

***#9 JACKSONVILLE DRAFTS: D'Andre Swift, RB, GEORGIA***

JaxGM: OK, there's my new running back. Who wants Leonard Fournette?

JaxGM: Hello?

JaxGM: Leonard Fournette trade? Anyone?

JaxGM: Hello?

JaxGM: I think I'm having a problem with my Wi-Fi.

***#10 CLEVELAND DRAFTS: Henry Ruggs III, WR, ALABAMA***

SteelersGM: Why? You have Beckham and Landry. Wasted pick.

BrownsGM: Don't make me hit you upside the head with a helmet.

***#11 N.Y. JETS DRAFT: Clyde Edwards-Helaire, RB, LSU***

MiaGM: Why are you drafting a dual-threat, pass-catching RB when you already have LeVeon Bell?

JetsGM: What about Jets football makes you think we do things logically??? But in all honesty, I just want to see the look on Gase's face.

MiaGM: [eyes emoji]

JetsGM: I do love the analytics on this kid, though.

DaveGettleman: Google, what are analytics?

***#12 LAS VEGAS DRAFTS: Justin Jefferson, WR, LSU***

SteelersGM: What do you guys need a receiver for? Didn't we trade you Antonio Brown like a year ago?

MikeMayock: No one likes the Steelers, you know.

SteelersGM: Maybe. But I sure like those two draft picks we got from you for him.

***#13 SAN FRANCISCO DRAFTS: Tee Higgins, WR, CLEMSON***

JohnLynch: This guy should really help us replace Emmanuel Sanders.

KCsGM: Is he a big loss for you? He only had 3 catches for 38 yards in his last game.

KCsGM: Which was in the Super Bowl.

KCsGM: A game you lost.

KCsGM: To my team.

KCsGM: The Chiefs.

JohnLynch: Shut up.

***#14 TAMPA BAY DRAFTS: J.K. Dobbins, RB, OHIO STATE***

TBsGM: Yes! Dobbins falls to us! Just the back we needed!

MiaGM: Great. We're all reeaally rooting for you.

SaintsGM: Yes. Everyone wants to see Tom Brady win again. We mean that "sincerely."

***#15 DENVER DRAFTS: Jalen Reagor, WR, TEXAS***

JohnElway: Starting to think I'm never going to top my 2012 fantasy pick of Peyton Manning.

***#16 ATLANTA DRAFTS: Cam Akers, RB, FLORIDA STATE***

FalconsGM: I like this pick. Gives us good insurance if Todd Gurley isn't 100%.

RamsGM: SPOILER ALERT: Todd Gurley isn't 100%.

***#17 DALLAS DRAFTS: Brycen Hopkins, TE, PURDUE***

JerryJones: I am using my full draft budget for this pick.

EagleRoseman: This is a standard draft. There are no budgets.

JerryJones: Then I sign this young man to the largest TE contract in NFL history.

EagleRoseman: Rookie contracts are on a wage scale.

JerryJones: $75 million a year for Dak.

EagleRoseman: How do I not win this division every year?

JerryJones: How 'bout them Cowboys!

***#18 MIAMI DRAFTS: Zack Moss, RB, UTAH***

MiaGM: Got my running back! And I still have like 17 more picks this round.

BOB: Do you have a quarterback yet? I could give you one if you have a good kicker or defense.

MiaGM: Text me and we'll get something done.

BOB: I can't. I traded my cellphone for a ham radio.

***#19 LAS VEGAS DRAFTS: Jalen Hurts, QB, OKLAHOMA***

SteelersGM: Hopefully he'll develop quick chemistry with Antonio Brown.

MikeMayock: I want to fight you.

SteelersGM: I will only fight if I can wear a Schutt AiR Advantage helmet.

***#20 JACKSONVILLE DRAFTS: AJ Dillon, RB, BOSTON COLLEGE***

JaxGM: Looks like my pick went through again. But is anyone seeing me in the chat?? Leonard Fournette is available in a trade. Hello?

MiaGM: We see you.

JaxGM: OK. Is the trading tool not working? I've not received any offers.

MiaGM: Sounds like it's working fine.

***#21 PHILADELPHIA DRAFTS: Laviska Shenault Jr., WR, COLORADO***

EagleRoseman: Drafting for need here since Nelson Agholor is gone.

WashGM: So you're saying you needed someone who can't catch?

EagleRoseman: Obvious joke. But necessary.

WashGM: Who signed him anyway?

EagleRoseman: Raiders.

WashGM: Ahahahahahahaha.

EagleRoseman: I know, right? From Antonio Brown to Nelson Agholor.

MikeMayock: I'm not enjoying this draft at all.

***#22 MINNESOTA DRAFTS: Michael Pittman Jr., WR, USC***

GBsGM: Is this your 2020 pick or are you guys finally just getting your 2003 1st round pick entered?

VikesGM: Really went way back in time for that one.

GBsGM: If we didn't cling to history here in Green Bay, we wouldn't have much else.

***#23 NEW ENGLAND DRAFTS: Jordan Love, QB, UTAH STATE***

BobQuinn: Think you have your next franchise quarterback, Coach Belichick?

OnToTheNextPick: We obviously think he has some strong areas, as well as areas he needs to improve upon. We'll see how things shake out in practice.

SteelersGM: Informative as always.

***#24 NEW ORLEANS DRAFTS: Eno Benjamin, RB, ARIZONA STATE***

SaintsGM: Benjamin a pounder who can help us better fill that Mark Ingram II role that we're missing.

RavensGM: BIG TRUSS!

SaintsGM: I don't know what that means.

RavensGM: I don't think I do either, if I'm being honest.

***#25 MINNESOTA DRAFTS: Thaddeus Moss, TE, LSU***

VikesGM: Gives us even more TE depth and he'll sell a ton of jerseys.

GBsGM: People buy Vikings jerseys??? LOL.

VikesGM: Sometimes quite a lot, actually. Thanks!

***#26 MIAMI DRAFTS: Jake Fromm, QB, GEORGIA***

TBsGM: Did you Bomb For Fromm? Haha.

JaxGM: What do you guys think about the slogan "Abhorrence For Lawrence"?

MiaGM: Terrible.

JaxGM: Good. Terrible is our goal for this season.

***#27 SEATTLE DRAFTS: Denzel Mims, WR, BAYLOR***

12thGMan: Tyler Lockett, DK Metcalf, Denzel Mims. Lots to like there.

SteveKeimAzGM: But you'll still stupidly run it 40 times a game even though you have Russell Wilson and talented receivers.

12thGMan: Hey, I just pick the players.

***#28 BALTIMORE DRAFTS: Devin Duvernay, WR, TEXAS***

RavensGM: Ran a 4.39 40 at the combine. Another player for all of your guys to try to chase down.

TitansGM: Pretty sure we'll figure it out. Thanks for looking out, though.

***#29 TENNESSEE DRAFTS: Ke'Shawn Vaughn, RB, VANDERBILT***

TitansGM: Best back left on the board gives us someone behind Derrick Henry.

DaveGettleman: Ask Jeeves, is Derrick Henry better than Saquon Barkley?

***#30 GREEN BAY DRAFTS: Donovan Peoples-Jones, WR, MICHIGAN***

GBsGM: Going for WR depth. Also considered Antonio Gandy-Golden.

VikesGM: Donovan Peoples-Jones, Antonio Gandy-Golden, Marquez Valdes-Scantling, Equanimeous St. Brown ... you guys really love receivers with longer names than stat lines, huh?

GBsGM: Shut up.

***#31 SAN FRANCISCO DRAFTS: Brandon Aiyuk, WR, ARIZONA STATE***

JohnLynch: We have a lot of RB depth, we have our quarterback, so we're adding to our receiver group here again.

OnToTheNextPick: Are you sure you have your quarterback?

JohnLynch: What is that supposed to mean?

OnToTheNextPick: Check your roster.

JohnLynch: ???

***#32 KANSAS CITY DRAFTS: Antonio Gibson, RB, MEMPHIS***

ChiefsGM: Letting us get more offensive talent is almost unfair, but so be it.

ChiefsGM: I guess that's the end of the draft.

JohnLynch: Guys ... I just looked at my roster and Coach Belichick used the commissioner tools to hack into our lineups and put all of our good players on his team!!!

OnToTheNextPick: I sure did.

BOB: Not my roster. I already traded away all of my good players myself. Joke's on him.