| | Dennis Rodman wants to fight David Stern, and we know exactly what you're thinking: If only Fox had the NBA television contract.
|  | | After being ejected for his sit-in, Dennis Rodman challenged the commissioner to step outside. |
Someone at Fox would be smart enough to see the possibilities. He would see the beauty of a Rodman-Stern matchup, with a Rocker-Selig prelim. He'd see the opportunity to show the world one more depraved aspect of human life -- "When Employees Attack!" or something like that.
The stakes, after all, have been raised. After that sad, tawdry, marry-a-multimillionaire (and his chin) show, another night of animals eating their owners simply doesn't satisfy us like it once did.
This week's list
Here's a ratings coup waiting to happen: If you really want to know who wants to marry a multimillionaire, it would be a lot cheaper -- and much more entertaining -- to set up a hidden camera in the lobby of a visiting NBA team's hotel.
And, just because it needs to be said: If you're a multimillionaire and you've got to buy a bride on prime-time TV, we're left with no choice but to wonder how you got the money in the first place.
If you thought Vince Carter taking the slam-dunk contest was the biggest landslide of the All-Star Weekend, you must have missed Kevin Harlan's blowout win in the All-Star Shout-Off.
Can you spell "Profet"?: According to Larry King -- ever the rock of sanity in these troubled times -- Dan Quayle once told him, "The slump is only temporary. Tiger Woods will become the greatest golfer who ever lived. He will change the way the game is played. He is a true revolutionary."
2Ball for the ages: Rick Barry/Dale Ellis vs. Fred Brown/Dell Curry.
Why Internet message boards are destined to make sports-talk radio sound like an Oxford graduate seminar: In a discussion of the NBA All-Star Game, guy by the name of Hannibal Tabu wrote, "I had a big problem with the Eastern coaching."
Opening Day is about six weeks away, which can mean only one thing: Somebody, somewhere, is about to be on pace to do something.
When only the obvious will do, there's only one place to turn: A USA Today mid-February headline proclaimed, "NBA title still very much up for grabs."
Feel free to take whatever side you want in the Jeff Van Gundy-Phil Jackson feud, but you have to admit, Van Gundy's nickname for Jackson -- Big Chief Triangle -- is awfully good.
The worst thing that ever happened to sports, besides replacement baseball: February.
For perspective's sake, keep this in mind when you read David Wells' opinion of John Rocker: Wells once brought Mark Fuhrman into the Yankees' locker room.
One more reason there's a movement afoot to anoint Shaq -- misunderstood comic genius -- as the Andy Kaufman of the new millennium: In a radio interview before the All-Star Game, Shaq summoned his best mumbling deadpan and said, "We just want to play good defense and run all our half-court sets."
What Art Modell said when he was called upon to stump for the character of accused murderer Ray Lewis: "He is a very dedicated football player -- devoted to the cause of winning."
To which you are morally obligated to respond by saying: "Yeah? So?"
The latest in the saga of Jeff George, the eternal sad sack of American sports: The Vikings chose to release him so they could keep their punter.
This week's homework assignment: Using your research skills, pinpoint the month in which Kobe Bryant stopped being the next Jordan, and why.
And then, for the semester term paper: Pinpoint the month in which Grant Hill stopped being the next Jordan, and why.
Meanwhile, back at NBA HQ, David Stern issued an immediate edict calling for the highlights of Vince Carter schooling Latrell Sprewell last week to begin playing on an endless loop in his office.
Next thing you know, somebody will be foolish enough to think technology has the ability to tell us whether somebody caught a football: In the slam dunk contest, a computer sponsored by somebody or other taught us that the shortest guy -- Steve Francis -- had to jump higher than the taller guys to do roughly the same dunks.
The only thing more romantic would be getting married to a multimillionaire (and his chin) during a timeout of a Clippers-Warriors game, or maybe at the end of a special episode of "Cops:" A whole bunch of people got married at halftime of the Hornets-Sixers game.
If nothing else, at least now you can hazard a guess why you lost that Houston minus-6 bet against Baltimore back in '76: Dan Pastorini's betting service is under fire from the NFL for claiming it draws on Motor Boat Dan's vast NFL experience to gain inside information on games.
Geography 101, the baseball version, in three easy parts: 1) Orel Hershiser leaves the Giants because he wants to be closer to his family in Florida; 2) Orel Hershiser signs with Mets; 3) Orel Hershiser leaves the Mets to sign with the Dodgers.
The press loves him like John McCain, his jerseys are selling at a rate that far exceeds his talent, kids everywhere love him -- and yet: Jason Williams is getting surlier and surlier by the day.
Somewhere, somehow, you know it's happening right this very second: Billy Packer is thinking a coach is calling a good timeout.
And, finally, the one lesson we can all take away from the Winter X Games: You know all those dudes? They're like way, way stoked.
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