So glad to be back at the Dexter Lake Club ... let's hit it.

But before we start, can I just say, Calm down, you oh-so-loveable get-a-lifers, I've been busy with The Magazine, but I'm back with a short take on the sport you and I obsess over.

Let me start with a flashback. Remember the week I compared you all to the guy at the 7-Eleven in Fullerton? The guy who filled up the Super Big Gulp, guzzled a third of it, then topped it off fresh before heading to the checkout counter? Well, I received some e-mails from people who were upset that I was comparing them to a fat, soda-guzzling loser.

I'm sorry. I take it back. But ...

I was reminded of you all again recently, at the breakfast bar at the Berkeley Marina Radisson. See, I got in line behind this guy who filled a bowl with strawberries and then, as he worked his way down the line -- taking a muffin here, a Danish there, a few strips of bacon, etc. -- felt it necessary to eat the strawberries. When he reached the end of the line, he circled back to the strawberries for a refill. Then he went to his table.

So you see, so desperate was this fellow for his strawberries, that the four words "All You Can Eat" meant nothing. He could not wait to partake of the fruit. He could not have enough. So, without further meandering, I offer up what little I know.

Dreaming of Donovan

Oh, how the Galaxy and their fans want to make it seem like it's somehow their right that, when Landon Donovan's "dual rights" thing-a-ma-jig with Bayer Leverkusen is completed he's going to be headed to Los Angeles, because "MLS will want him there."

Wrong. An MLS official told me, "The league has no interest in seeing Landon go to any team in particular. The assumption that anyone in the league wants him in L.A. is way off. When the deal is completed, Landon will be an allocation and he will go to San Jose. So, the only way Landon Donovan goes to L.A. is if those two clubs can agree on a trade."

Not wanting to be sold a bill of goods on this one, my brain started working extra-time. I asked, What if MLS sells Luis Hernandez to Club America, his team in Mexico? Would the Galaxy then be entitled to an allocation and, ta-da!, Donovan?

"Not happening," the official said. "Luis Hernandez has two more years left on his MLS contract. And he is not going anywhere."

I'm assuming this is not what Galaxy fans wanted to hear.

Let's parity!

In most American professional sports, you have a miserable season and you are rewarded with a high draft pick. In the more parity-conscious NFL, you get the pick and an easy schedule. In MLS, have a bad year, and you get the world while the teams that are coming off successful seasons basically have to stand pat.

Forget that a player like 30-year-old, Scottish International John Spencer in Colorado, or a Premier League veteran like Ian Bishop in Miami, are classified as "discoveries" instead of allocations for a couple of re-constructing MLS teams. That's just the beginning. And I'm sure MLS would have a "reason" why they're discoveries, like "they didn't require a transfer fee" or they "aren't getting a housing allowance." Ask any non-league employee and they'll tell you these "rules" are inconsistent at best.

But anyway, what's also significant in the world of "parity first" is that every single time a player gets waived in MLS, the waiver draft order goes worst-to-first. So, not only do the bad teams get right of first refusal on all waived players, if they get wind of another team that's interested in that player, they can force the other team to trade up for the pick.

And it's not only waiver drafts, it's those "special" drafts (dispersal drafts, lottery drafts, etc.) that pop up from time to time in MLS. Who would have thought the San Jose Earthquakes would have been able to land a potential starter, Ramiro Corrales, simply because they knew the MetroStars coveted backup keeper Paul Grafer?

Look for more of this activity as the spring moves along and teams have to cut down their rosters to 18.

Allocation, allocation, allocation

Once the three most important words in MLS -- well, no more due to budget restraints. Here's an update of who's used and who's owed allocations.

Used (4): Dwayne DeRosario (San Jose), Tenywa Bonseu (Columbus), Alex Pineda Chacon (Miami), Pedro Alvarez (MetroStars, acquired via trade with DC).

Owed (6): San Jose (2), Chicago, Colorado, Kansas City,New England.

Next Boot Room?

Hopefully with more stuff -- maybe even from Lauderdale. We'll see.

Jeff Bradley is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail jeff.bradley@espnmag.com.