This column is about nothing.

There will be no snazzy opener.

No catchy quote. No wild anecdote.

I will not make fun. I will not make enemies. I will not make sense.

There will be no transitions. No superfluous commas or semicolons or dashes.

This column will not capture the scene. It will not take you there. It will not go behind closed doors.

I will not get to the bottom of anything. I will not have the final word. I will not argue, persuade, discuss, kid, cajole, joke or jive.

I will not rank. I will not count. I will not list. There will be no Top 50s, no Top 10s, no All-Timers, no All-Millennium, no All-Century, no All-Pro, no nothing. No kidding.

This column will not apologize, analyze, proselytize or patronize.

This column will not mention my dog.

This column will not be hot. It will not be sexy. It will not be a talker.

There will be no water-cooler material. There will be no exclusives. This column will not be funny, thought-provoking, unique or interesting. I offer nothing original. Nothing.

This column is about one thing:

Me, typing.

I will not complain or congratulate.

I will not be unduly harsh or spinelessly soft.

There will be no trash talk or chalk talk or backtalk or fan squawk.

This won't be a puff piece or a rip job.

I will not talk down to you. I will not buddy up.

There will be no uplifting tales or sad endings.

I will not write about the Hall of Fame, or all the shame.

I will not predict for you. Not a single score. I will not guess a record, an outcome, a recruiting class, a standing, a Final Four or a Super Bowl score.

This column will not call for a coach to be fired or try to predict who will be the next hired.

This column will not be about Tiger Woods. Or Dennis Miller. Or baseball contracts. There will be no bad Florida ballot jokes. No stale chad references. No BCS banter. This column will not reveal who let the dogs out.

This column will not quote reliable sources or people close to the situation or anyone in the front office who wishes to speak on the condition of anonymity.

In fact, there will be no quotes. There will be no third-person references, no excerpts, no paraphrasing, no anecdotes, no metaphors, no flashbacks. No quotes from fathers or parents or fans or colleagues, either.

No puns or pundits.

No cliches, no nicknames, no catchphrases.

This column will not seek the opinions of draftniks, experts, legal analysts, washed up former players or anyone who has placed the moniker Dr., Professor, Insider or Guru in front of their names.

This column will not recite stats. It will not include scores, percentages, ratings, polls, computers or stat geeks.

This column will not offer fantasy football advice. (Ever.)

This column will not use grades or graphics or ballot boxes or smiley faces, ellipses, bold type, links, italics, quotes or all caps.

We will not discuss rumors. We will not talk about possibilities. There will be no conjecture.

This column will not harp on the good old days, the way it used to be, simpler times, last season or next season. I will not look back or give thanks or remember when. There will be no reflections. No looks forward. No fond memories. No hopes for the future.

And there will be no trick ending.

No dream sequence.

No wild twists.

No revelations.

No confessions.

No good-byes.

No so-longs.

No fare-thee-wells.

Nothing.

Just me, typing.

No more.

David Fleming, a senior writer for The Magazine, can't wait for your response. E-mail flemfile@aol.com.