As a flat-out bribe to get fans in the seats during the dog days of summer, the St. Louis Cardinals have announced that Sunday, August 19 will be Jersey Off Their Backs Day. On this particular afternoon one "lucky" fan will get a chance to take home an actual soiled, smelly, tobacco-stained jersey off the back of a Cardinal player.

This leads me to two conclusions: Apparently my idea for Smell Mark McGwire's Armpits Night was rejected. And if you're looking for a barometer to gauge just how far the national pastime has fallen, look no further than the recent barrage of baseball bribes.

A good team? A little excitement? Homers? Pitching duels? Heroes? Role models? Family fun? Dream on. As we begin the 2001 season, what MLB seems to be saying to us is, Uh, we can't provide that any longer, so how's about a nice, cuddly Marge Schott bobblehead doll instead?

In Boston they're giving away a Wally the Green Monster watch, a Wally bean bag, a Wally history book, a Wally thermos (for, I suppose, enjoying hot cocoa in mid-August) and a Wally sports cup, which, I'm guessing, is to protect fans from low-flying foul balls. In Philly they feature women's Flip Flop Night (I'm not touching that one) and the Randy Wolf Full Moon Mask Night (that one, either). In New York, the Yankees buy championships, so why not fans? In June, Big Stein is hawking a snow globe, a watch, a ring, an umbrella, a T-shirt, a bat, two other yet-to-be-decided items and a cellular phone holder. Yeah, sweet, that's what we need, more cell phones at sporting events. Hey, why not give away D batteries, foam middle fingers and beer cup slingshots while you're at it?

The only guideline seems to be this: if the product is cheap and the gesture hollow, MLB will hand it out. Mouse pads, visors, floppy hats, bandannas, growth charts, aprons, cameras, sunglasses, rings, bats, lunch boxes, duffel bags and bottle openers. In a lovely homage to the modern game, the Rockies will give away money clips and calculators. "Okay, kids, take out your Mile High Calculators and let's all figure out how many seconds it takes for a noodle-armed, washed up middle infielder hitting .235 to make a million dollars!!!"

The Dodgers are giving away Hot Wheels, a Hollywood Stars game and noisemakers -- which, I can only hope, is to remind the current generation of young fans that you go to a ballpark to actually watch and cheer and make noise and not just to collect crappy trinkets.

Those folks in Chicago escalated this whole terrible trend a few years ago, when they lined up around the block to get into Wrigley Field -- but not for the game. Naw, they raced through the gates, grabbed their Beanie Babies and hit the road before the first pitch.

For what they've been through, Cubs fans should be treated to Diamond Earring Night. Instead, patrons will have to settle on a Kerry Wood key chain, a Barbie doll, and Pez dispensers featuring Snoopy and Homer Simpson. And, of course, the ubiquitous Sammy Sosa bobblehead doll. Forget pitching rotations and batting orders ... the toughest decision in baseball these days is who is "bobblehead worthy". I mean, it's an honor that has become tantamount to enshrinement in Cooperstown. Among those honored this season with giveaway bobbleheads are Fernando Valenzuela, Tommy Lasorda, A-Rod, Travis Fryman, Bartolo Colon, Roberto Alomar and Tino Martinez.

If I can work out the details, Flem File readers, you may soon have a shot at a limited edition bobblehead doll of ... me. (Grotesquely inflated cranium and doofus nod to actual scale.)

David Fleming, a senior writer for The Magazine, shares his perspective each week on ESPNMAG.com. E-mail flemfile@aol.com.