Flem's gems ...

Talked to my good, close, personal-pal-confidant-buddy-friend Michael Vick a while back and Michael tells me he once got in a snowball fight on the campus of Virginia Tech. Oh, to be hit by a Vick ice ball on the shnoz! ... Waffle House hash browns are simply the best ... Greed is not ruining sports. Fantasy leagues are ruining sports ... It takes me back to the stoop: Super buddy Billy Crystal did a marvelous job with 61*, but for my moolah, Slap Shot will always be the best sports movie ever made ... Speaking of which, have a little pun on Mother's Day and take dear-old mom to see The Mummy.

Just wondering: Why is it when Dallas owner Mark Cuban opens his mouth he gets fined, and when Charlie Ward and Allen Iverson spew their vitriol the NBA does nothing? Hmmm. The next time I have lunch with bud David Stern, I'll tell him the only thing worse than a double dribble is a double standard ... Yes, I live in North Carolina, and no, I'm not wearing a white headband right now. But boy do I wish I had cornered the concession sales on that market ... Here's a thought: those dynamite gals in the WUSA should team up with the Budweiser folks and do a parody of the Wasssup! commercials that go, WUUUSSSAAAA!! ... Best bud Vince Carter has struggled in the playoffs but I still shudder to think what he would do to a pudgy, step-slow MJ.

My lovely wife Kim -- just a dynamite gal if there ever was one -- says for her money, The Masters is the finest sporting event on the planet, bar none. Of course, folks, this is the same woman who drags me to the steeplechase every summer ... The Wife might disagree, but for my money the NHL playoffs are the best thing going. If the league could steal a visionary from, say, NASCAR broadcasting, and do a better job of relating the speed and violence of this sport onto the TV screen it would be bigger than the NFL. No kiddin'.

Glad to see: The boys from CART standing up for themselves. That took some Texas-sized chutzpah ... Question: If you dunk on your own kids, is it then okay to scream "Who's your daddy!?" ... I'd go ahead and call pro wrestlers athletes, but I don't want to offend any ping-pong players, ballroom dancers or synchronized swimmers ... After the NFL draft, everyone always talks about which teams got the right players. Well, Florida State QB Chris Weinke is a player who got the right team. You heard it here first folks: the former Heisman Trophy winner will be the Carolina Panthers' starting QB this fall ... Good to see close pal Deion Sanders is returning to baseball, where he might actually get his uniform dirty. Is it me or will Neon become the first defensive player to make the NFL Hall of Fame without actually tackling anyone?

When I bumped into pal Ichiro a few years ago during Seattle's spring training, I asked him if Ken Griffey had taught him anything. He paused for a moment and then said, without the use of his interpreter, "Same sh--, different day." ... Yours truly is headed to another U2 concert this weekend. Saw the lads in Atlanta a while back -- watched the first few numbers standing next to, I swear, Michael Stipe of REM -- and we noticed The Edge was wearing blue Asics collegiate wrestling shoes. Not for nuttin', but I think Bono would have made a heckuva boxer. As long as his people matched him up against Lennox Lewis, I suppose.

That's it, folks.

David Fleming, a senior writer for The Magazine, offers his warped perspective each week on ESPNMAG.com. E-mail flemfile@aol.com.