With his Kid Rock locks flowing in super slow-mo, Kyle Turley picked up a Jets helmet and chucked it, along with the Saints' playoff hopes, halfway to Baton Rouge.

While the TV doofuses were replaying the super-tatted-one's Nov. 4 hammer-toss over and over again, I moved close to the screen. I watched carefully for the right angle.

And there it was: As Turley was hurling the helmet, the back of his jersey scrunched up kinda funny and for a split second his name seemed to read:

TURKEY.

"Gobble-gobble, Kyle," I thought, "you just became my No. 1 candidate for Turkey of the Year."

For this, the fourth edition of these dubious honors, we'll go all-NFL. Let's open up that can o' cranberry whoop-ass on some Turleys ... er, Turkeys.

Dick Vermeil: His comeback has gone almost as well as Michael Jordan's, hasn't it?

Matt Millen: His 0-9 Lions play on Thanksgiving this week. (Some of these Turkeys practically write themselves.)

Damien Robinson: Brings an assault rifle in his trunk to a game at Giants Stadium, and then later tries to uncork Aaron Brooks' head. This guy is so violent, he should be in NASCAR.

Jerry Jones: He recently opened a golf course in Texas. Next year each hole will get a facelift -- and then will be renamed after a starting quarterback for the 2001 Cowboys.

Kurt Warner: Bible-banger was signing autographs during mop-up time against the Jets. All my best, Kurt Warner, Proverbs 11:2 (When pride comes, then comes disgrace.)

Carolina's turf: The last time I saw this much dead grass and dried-up weed it was piled in the back of Nate Newton's car.

XFL: This league went over about as well as Grammie's super-squash surprise. It was almost as tasteless, too. (Seriously, Grams, don't kill the messenger.)

Denver's O-line: Almost a hundred thou in fines for leg whips, crackbacks and cut blocks. I'm just so sick of this team's win-(half your games)-at-all-costs mentality.

Jeff George: Congratulations on receiving the Golden Drumstick for lifetime achievement in the art of being a Turkey. We will present you with the award as soon as Mike Ditka gives it back.

The Dolphins: When it comes to playing the Jets, this team is 0-8 and a lot like the bird you just bought at Kroger: no guts.

Trev Alberts: He doesn't like Dennis Miller or Lesley Visser working NFL booths because they don't have pro playing experience. Well, Trev, I actually covered your NFL career with the Colts ... and technically, neither do you.

My mother-in-law: Very early yesterday morning she asked me to come to the top of her steep driveway to find the release for her parking brake. Well, gee, mom, ya failed to mention one teeny-weenie little detail: THE FREAKIN' CAR WAS ALREADY IN REVERSE!

Randy Moss and Cris Carter: If I wanted to listen to this kind of childish bickering and whining, I wouldn't wear a Walkman to Thanksgiving dinner.

Terrell Owens: Let's not overthink this one. If it looks like a turkey, gobbles like a turkey and struts like a turkey, well then, IT'S A TURKEY.

Larry Smith: The Jacksonville defensive tackle was suspended for reportedly sucker-punching a teammate in the locker room. He may be the only one from the Jags D who actually hit somebody this year.

Brian Billick: This one was submitted anonymously by Tdilfer@lastlaugh.com.

Eddie Kennison: Former wideout quit his team the night before a game. Hey, even the Panthers wait until halftime.

Brad Johnson: The Bucs QB needs to try more fiber in his diet, because this guy can't seem to pass a thing.

David Fleming: Know-it-all, smart-ass, playa-hatin', booger-eatin' bi-atch. There, I just saved you the trouble of having to e-mail. Don't mention it.

Personal attacks (on me) aside, I want you to help select the Turkey of the Year. Hit me with an e-mail and let your voice be heard. Or vote in the poll. Or both. Trust me, I know you're just killing time until 5. You're not really fooling anyone.

Until then, Happy Turkey Day to all. Even you, Kyle.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go chase my truck and my mother-in-law down a hill.

David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at flemfile@aol.com.