Welcome to this year's WESPYs.

This is the annual contest where Flem File readers get to vote to determine the best post-Super Bowl WHYLO of the Week. [Ed's note: WHYLO = WHO HELPED YOU LOG ON?]

Here now, since Samuel L. Jackson will not return my phone calls -- is Elizabeth Taylor, who has graciously agreed to introduce the eight nominees for WHYLO of the Week.

Rip!
"Sands da WHYLO winnerdds is ..."
Uh, Liz ...
*Hic!*
Hello, Liz?
"Angd daaaaaaaaaa nombineeeeeees arrrrrrrrre ..."
Thank you, Liz.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ...

And the nominees for the post-Super Bowl WHYLO of the Week, based on e-mails I received after last week's FlemFile, are:

1) Brian: "Do you even know anything about sports? My guess is no, so the only other answer for you having a column is that you must have [performed a sexual act] to get where you're at." [By his email address, I'm guessing Brian is a student at West Virginia, where they need to immediately review their admissions policy, if, indeed, one actually exists.]
2) Joe: "Obviously, you are not a fan of Styx. I am." [Joe, you had me at I am.]
3) Todd: "I don't think hookers represent misogyny." [Who is this guy, an XFL VP?]
4) Susy: "I could say, 'go screw yourself', or 'you make me want to throw up', but no! I have class, more than you ever will have." [You go -- far away -- girl.]
5) Mike: "Please tell me how I can obtain a VHS copy of the 1987 Super Bowl XXI halftime with the 99 pianos. That is my all-time favorite." [Sorry, but to make room for my Styx and Star Trek collection, I had to give away my extensive halftime show library.]
6) Daryn: "Man, f--- off." [The point of Daryn's email was that he objects to the all the negative Super Bowl coverage.]
7) Dan: "Another lame column from a pathetic columnist. There's a reason you're on Page 2." [When you're lost in cyberspace, don't be afraid to stop and ask for directions.]
8) Zoiburg: "Your to blame for the glutaney." [Any email where a third of the words are spelled incorrectly automatically receives a WHYLO nomination.]

O.K., let's review and please, vote for only one WESPY AWARD WINNER!:

1) Lewd, crude, WVUed
2) Styx and stones
3) Todd, or is it John?
4) Classy Susy
5) Up With Mike
6) Potty-mouth Daryn.
7) Dan, the lost man.
8) Zoiburg, master of the word.

And, as always, a sampling from the rest of the mailbag:

"Obviously, everything you say is complete [poo], based on this article." -- Michael

"Let's get the mailbag going again. You kinda sucked there for like 3 weeks." -- Doug

"Nice article. Thanks for recognizing our church in this way. I think you're funny (no matter what Flo says)." -- Pastor Ken, First Baptist Church of Indian Rocks

"You have potential to be an excellent writer someday. Although there's a small chance your column sucked, I'm just so damn happy right now I don't care." -- Todd

"Do I dare say it for fear of inflating your capsule-sized ego? But your Super Bowl columns were awesome. What great one-liners and puns. The Flem-o-meter is spinning out of control." -- Chad

David Fleming, a senior writer for The Magazine, shares his off-center perspective each week. E-mail flemfile@aol.com.