The truth behind today's headlines ...

1. TIGER WOODS CAPTURES GRAND SLAM

The only way Tiger got the Grand Slam was if he ordered it from the Denny's breakfast menu. Golf's sacred touch-'em-all-in-a-calendar-year is safe -- for now.

Look, there's no denying the guy's greatness. You need On-Star to track his drives. Give him a croquet mallet and he'd still drill his putts. And for pure mental resolve, only MJ compares. Or in Apollo 13-speak: He's a steely-eyed missile man.

But no matter what Tiger says, no matter how many times he lines up the Big Four hardware collection on the kitchen table, no matter how many other historically-challenged Tour pros chime in, he didn't win the Grand Slam.

If you want to call it The Tiger Slam, fine. If you want to do what CBS's Jim Nantz did Sunday, which was break into a backpedal that would have made a free safety proud, go ahead. Earlier in the week Nantz said he'd have last say on the Slam status and by his way of thinking, a Woods win at Augusta would start the Slam cycle, not end it. Then Tiger sank the birdie putt on 18 and Nantz, apparently overcome by the moment and azalea fragrances, wasn't quite so militant.

If Pete Sampras wins the French Open, Wimbledon and U.S. Open this year, then adds the Australian next year, it isn't a Grand Slam. If Larry Walker leads the National League in batting average and home runs this season, and then leads the NL in RBI next year, it isn't a Triple Crown.

It's a silly thing, this idea of splitting hairs and adjectives. So is penalizing yourself if the ball moves after you address it. Owning the Masters, U.S. Open and PGA trophies, as well as the British Open's claret jug, is a big deal. Owning them all at once is a bigger deal. Owning them all in the same calendar year is the Grand Slam.

2. BUCKS COULD CLINCH CENTRAL DIVISION

There are lots of reasons to pull for the Bucks to go long and far in the upcoming NBA playoffs.

They don't have a center who scores points ... on purpose, which is sort of, uh, different. Instead, the Bucks rely on three perimeter players -- shooting guard Ray Allen, small forward Glenn Robinson and point guard Sam Cassell. This goes against all that is true and holy in this league.

Not counting Usingers brats, Milwaukee hasn't had much to cheer for in years.

You've got to like a head coach -- in this case, George Karl -- who agrees to a $14 million contract extension and then uses a nice little chunk of it giving bonuses to Bucks staffers and administrators.

But my personal favorite is Cassell, the most amusing quote in the business now that Charles Barkley is busy weighing himself and sinking putts on the TBS studio set.

Cassell, a bargain at $3.5 mil per year, is a human question mark. That's not to mean he's a complicated person; actually, he's a couch potato with a jump shot. But what Cassell does during interviews is ask a question and then answer it himself.

A sampling of Sam I Am:

On his salary -- "I know I should be making what the top point guards are making and that's not the case. Am I happy with it? I'm not happy with it. For what I bring to this ballclub I think I should be compensated for what the top guys on this team are making. Am I one of the top guys on this team? I think I am. I think I determine wins or losses more than anybody on this team."

On his impact -- "I know for a fact I helped make Glenn Robinson and Ray Allen better ballplayers. I helped make Keith Van Horn, for that one year, his rookie year. When I was with Keith Van Horn in New Jersey people were putting him in the same category with Tim Duncan and Kevin Garnett. They made the trade for me here ... moving Stephon (Marbury) there, and they don't even mention Keith Van Horn now. He was an untouchable item when I was in New Jersey. Now he's been shopped."

On losing to the Indiana Pacers in the first round of the playoffs -- "Last year it was a case where we had Indiana beat and we didn't finish it. The better team did not win that series last year, and we realize we were the better team. But moral victories don't mean nothing in this league. May mean something in college, but not in the NBA."

On physical ability -- "I think I'm the slowest point guard in the game of basketball right now. But slow don't mean a thing. I'm faster than Mark Jackson right now. That's one guy I know I can beat in the 40."

3. XFL PLANS 'MILLION DOLLAR GAME'

If a pro football league falls in the woods, does anyone hear it?

It began with Vince McMahon's egomanical cry of, "THIS IS THE X-F-L!" and it ends with the newly named "Million Dollar Game," the league's latest attempt to get anyone to pay attention to its championship.

So far the XFL has changed announcers, played tag team with networks, hyped and un-hyped the babe cheerleader thing, changed its playing rules, and set new lows for TV ratings. And that's just the short list.

The truth is, the XFL is a monumental belly-flop because nobody wants to watch the minor leagues. If they did, we'd have networks vying for rights to Pacific Coast League baseball or the International Hockey League.

Nothing against the players and coaches in the XFL, but they never had a real chance to succeed. First of all, it's never a good thing when your lead announcer is moonlighting as a governor. And didn't anyone notice the league's schedule overlapped the NCAA tournament, the start of Major League Baseball and those lumberjack guys who shimmy up poles and start whacking away with an ax?

Gene Wojciechowski is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail Geno at gene.wojciechowski@espnmag.com.