I've got nothing against soccer, except that it's more boring than an underwriters seminar and has less scoring than a post-prom party supervised by Jerry Falwell. Plus, the hooligans drink all the good beer. Otherwise, I can't wait for the big whatchamacallit between Senegal and France a few days from now.

Back in 1994, when the World Cup was on U.S. soil, I wandered into a London betting establishment, put 10 pounds down on our American lads, retired to a nearby pub and spent the next few hours in numbed silence as the boys from Brazil gave us a 1-0 woodshed number in the Round of 16. At least, that's what the bartender in the pub said as he tsk-tsk-ed the USA's play. Meanwhile, I ordered up a beef dish, hoping to contract mad cow disease and be put out of my soccer misery.

Since then the sport has grown faster than Yao Ming. Here in the States you can't swing a Dodge minivan without clipping a soccer mom and her 2.3 tykes in shorts and jerseys. Drive around the suburbs on a Saturday morning and you see fields full of knee-socked kids. It looks like a convention of miniature Bahamian police.

Of course, most of your average American men became interested in soccer the nanosecond Brandi Chastain did the Cheetah III Lounge thing after scoring the winning goal in the 1999 Women's World Cup. US men's soccer is another story. And as soon as something compelling happens with the USA team, I swear I'm going to look into that story.

	10 billion fans can't be wrong.

US coach Bruce Arena says the World Cup, which begins Friday in South Korea, is the globe's biggest sporting event. Problem is, I'd rather watch the running of the squirrels than 22 folks running around on a pitch. To me it's hockey on grass ... without the fistfights.

I can't name two teams in MLS -- and I'm not alone. I couldn't even name Major League Soccer until I looked on the agate page. And did you know there's a Women's United Soccer Association, with eight actual teams? Quick, name one of them.

Something is getting lost in the translation. Two billion viewers will watch the June 30 World Cup championship game. Or so says FIFA, the international governing body which, by the way, is nearly $270 million in the red during the last four years. Only 132 million watched the Super Bowl, but I bet our commercials were better. Plus, if it's such a big deal, how come Chris Berman has never done the Bud Cup?

What's that term ... due diligence -- when you do your homework before coming to a conclusion? Well, before pooch-punting the World Cup this time around, I figured I'd call Jerry Yeagley, whose Indiana University men's team has won five NCAA championships and made 15 Final Four appearances during his 29 years as Hoosiers coach. Maybe Yeagley could talk some soccer sense into me.

"Soccer is a relatively simple sport," he says. "It isn't too complex. There are patterns and principles of play, but it's pretty much an open-flowing game. Everything is left up to the players. It combines individual flair and teamwork. Everybody gets to be the quarterback. Everybody gets to use the ball."

Jerry, that's fine for the IU summer soccer camp speech, but why watch the World Cup? Isn't the US supposed to take it in the shorts again and be through airport customs before the second round starts? After all, aren't we a combined 4-12-1 in World Cup play over the years?

"We're ranked 13th in the world going into this, but the rest of the world does not give a lot of respect to United States soccer," he says, which makes sense, since most Americans don't give a lot of respect to United States soccer, either. "We're not expected to be a challenger for the World Cup."

But Yeagley is an optimist. He says the US has two world class goalkeepers (I can't remember their names), some wonderful young talent (sorry, forgot, but they're on the cover of The Magazine), and a really good midfielder (give me a minute). Anyway, Yeagley thinks we're going to surprise first-round opponent Portugal and make a serious run at a second-round appearance. "I think we'll be competitive," he says.

Not exactly a Joe Namath guarantee, but it will have to do. By the way, if you want to watch that June 5 Portugal-US game, you'll have to drag your Central-time-zone butt out of bed at 4 a.m. The June 10 game against South Korea starts at 2:30 a.m. Eastern, and the June 14 game against Poland starts at 7:30 a.m. Eastern.

"You should probably videotape them and then watch them in prime time," Yeagley says. Of course, Yeagley is going to set the alarm. You've heard of Breakfast at Wimbledon? Try Last Call at the Cup for the Portugal tilt.

I'm as patriotic as the next guy, so, okay, Yeagley now has me in touch with my red-white-and-blue side. But what happens when the US is eliminated? Then what?

"You'll get caught up in it, what soccer means to the rest of the world, to the people of these countries," he says. "The countries stop when they're watching World Cup."

I've been overseas. Believe me, things stop over there even when they're not watching the World Cup ... like, trains. But I'll take Yeagley's word for it. The World Cup is Duke-Carolina to the Nth power. Fair enough. But I need a rooting interest. I need a villain.

"Argentina and England are supposed to be the leading challengers, along with France and Brazil," Yeagley says.

Now we're getting somewhere. Argentina hates England's guts, and vice versa. There was that messy little business in the Falklands, of course. There was the 1966 game where England beat Argentina in a nasty affair. There was the 1986 game where Argentina beat England. And then there has been all sorts of drama involving England's star midfielder David Beckham, who was injured in March by an Argentinian player during a club game. Thing is, Beckham is tight with one of the Spice Girls, which makes it difficult to root against Argentina.

France has the world's best player, Zinedine Zidane, which sounds more like a prescription drug than a person. But it's France. Enough said.

"These are world heroes," says Yeagley. "They're not just national heroes."

Perhaps, but I use that word sparingly after 9/11 -- mostly for New York's Hook & Ladder companies and military personnel. But maybe that's part of Yeagley's point: World Cup. Sport as a unifying force, and all that. Even hosts South Korea and Japan are trying to get along.

"Give it a chance," Yeagley says. "Find out why the rest of the world has the passion."

Fine. I'll try. It better be worth the wake-up call.

Gene Wojciechowski is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at gene.wojciechowski@espnmag.com.