Gentlemen, I hope this message finds you well and enjoying the season thus far. Last week, league officials issued a statement regarding your on-field behavior. Anyone guilty of taunting will be penalized 15 yards and fined $2,500. But just in case you were not informed why taunting -- or any other emotional outburst -- is unacceptable, I'd like to offer my explanation.

	Terrell Owens could celebrate without official interference if he took his act to Saskatchewan.

You live in a society that values difference. Unfortunately, this does not extend to the football field. Therefore, any exuberant demonstration -- whether it be musical, rhythmic, stylish, or (God forbid) clever -- seriously offends those who aren't capable of self-expression. So don't dance; it just angers those who can't. And play with great emotion -- just keep it bottled up, lest you hurt someone's feelings. It's the American way.

Also, your helmet was designed for more than just protection. It hides your face and maintains your anonymity. That's why you've been instructed to wear it at all times. This ain't the NBA, fellas; this league isn't about marketing its players. Father Tagliabue doesn't want too many people standing out. (Fortunately, Deion is at the end of his career!)

If this cynical rant sounds bleak, take heart: there is a solution. Try the Canadian League. I know, I played for Saskatchewan in '96. The CFL is short on prestige and even shorter on the Benjamins (average salary: about $40,000). But Canadian teams have been playing for the Grey Cup since 1909 and the fans love good athletes who put on a show. The media down here is currently entranced by "revolutionary" quarterbacks who run and throw. Up in Canada, Doug Flutie and Warren Moon perfected that when Donovan McNabb was still in high school. Imagine a league where no one tells you what color bandanna to wear, or how long your towel can be, or how much you can dance. Think about it. As part of our pre-game ritual, the Roughriders formed a circle, screamed "Defense!" and punctuated it with a pelvic thrust. No $2,500 fine -- just a little team unity with a whole lot of flavor. So go North, young men, and get your party on!

Alan Grant covers the NFL for ESPN The Magazine. You should see the team-building rituals he's cooked up in the newsroom.