ESPNMAG.com - DBs don't have a chance

We hereby call for a new statistic in the NFL, one that would go right up there on the halftime screen with turnovers and time of possession: Yards gained via pass interference.

When officials don't know what to do, what do they do? They call pass interference. PI has become an integral part of NFL offenses, and it has accentuated a growing trend in the NFL.

In the eyes of the law, defensive backs are vermin. They're treated worse than those shirtless, mullet-haired meth chefs so popular on COPS. Catchers used to be the most abused professional athletes, but they're royalty compared to these guys.

Defensive backs don't have a chance. The law of the land is offense, offense, offense. DBs don't fit into that picture. How do you defend someone when even the slightest contact causes the receiver to leap to his feet and pull out an imaginary flag, and the officials to follow in Pavlovian obedience? Cornerbacks are rodeo clowns with better stylists. During this time of charity and good will toward men, give 'em a thought now and then.

This week's list

There are times when you are forced to ask yourself, "How could the XFL possibly out-XFL this garbage?": Jillian Barberie and Terry Bradshaw.

This year will be remembered for John Rocker, the presidential election and Bob Knight, but more than anything it will be remembered for one bizarre fact: The year the American League Rookie of the Year and the Heisman Trophy both went to old men.

It's almost enough to make you start believing in Bud Selig: Mike Hampton -- one of baseball's best No. 2 starters -- has received two offers for more than $100 million each.

Which means, to those of us without a consuming interest in the big-market, small-market pie fight: For now anyway, Hampton will join Carlos Delgado as the highest-paid players in the game.

Somewhere, in the dark corner of a sad bar, Manny Sanguillen, Andy Etchebarren and Gene Tenace commiserate about the horrible luck of being born too early: The Dodgers are reportedly considering giving ex-Dodger catcher Charles Johnson $10 million per year.

Is there anyone in his or her right mind who actually subscribes to this line of thinking?: John Thompson, on a TNT basketball broadcast, said Norv Turner was fired because he was "the victim of preseason publicity."

Speaking of Daniel Snyder -- who apparently had nothing to do with Turner's firing, according to Big John -- he read the news that Penguins owner Mario Lemieux is returning to the ice and said: "Hmmm -- I could probably punt, don't you think?"

Two more case studies of the new NBA at work: 1) The Pacers went 1 for 18 in the fourth quarter Tuesday; 2) the Spurs had zero field goals in the final eight minutes Tuesday against Sacramento.

And then, in a game that seared the retinas of people who weren't even there: New Jersey shot 26.8 percent for the game Tuesday night.

But then, when you least expect it, 48 minutes of redemption: On Wednesday, Antawn Jamison and Kobe Bryant both hit for 51 in one of the most entertaining NBA regular-season games since ... ever?

Sometimes moments crystallize and you discover all you need to know about today's NBA: The Clippers scored 37 points in the fourth quarter Wednesday night and still didn't reach 100 for the game.

You watch guys like Luc Longley and Jason Caffey and even Scottie Pippen long enough and you're left with one persistent thought: That Jordan guy must have been really, really good.

The question, for the record, was not directed at Mike Shanahan: Discussing the NFL's apparent backtracking on whether to suspend Carmen Policy, Al Davis said council chairman Harold Henderson "wanted to whack him. You know what the word whack means?"

Next May you will wake up in the morning, pick up your newspaper and read the following item in the transactions column: COLORADO ROCKIES -- Placed Denny Neagle, P, on 15-day disabled list (whiplash).

The lesson of Denny Neagle is this: Not everyone read the Darryl Kile chapter in the American History textbook.

Then again: Jeopardize a career, pad a checkbook.

But, in a surprise announcement, they have decided to move the mound in 2½ feet for Freddie Garcia: The Mariners, attempting to keep their dignity amid the A-Rod insanity, will not move the fences in to accommodate his A-ness.

Next week's news today: "Boras: A-Rod Might Retire If Price is Right."

How the Angels were built: Faced with the possibility of seriously upgrading their infield by signing Alex Gonzalez, the Angels reportedly are ready to decide ... oh, hell ... let's bring DiSarcina back.

Better than Lennon's piano! More precious than one of Clapton's guitars! More valuable than JFK's bathrobe!: On ebay right now, you can bid on a genuine, game-used Richie Zisk bat.

One man's view of heaven: Combine that bat with a Gene Alley gamer glove and die happy.

It's been said before but it needs to be said again: Man, that Kenny Smith is one happy guy.

And finally, with a work ethic like this, Juan Gonzalez would be making the A-Rod Tour right now: Lakers radio announcer Chick Hearn hasn't missed a broadcast since 1965.

Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail tim.keown@espnmag.com.