We sought out some Web shrinks as a favor to Rick Ankiel. While they had some ideas, we got diagnosed with Internet Addiction Disorder. Hey, we've all got issues.
THE ULTIMATE PERSONALITY TEST
Therapy: Get in touch with your inner rock star. Rick ended up as Tommy Lee, who does have a wild streak.
Second Opinion: The "Are You High Maintenance?" test asks how many times the subject switches outfits. Ankiel does that every time he gets sent down.
Therapy: Eliminate material distractions. The site tells us Ted Williams demanded a pay cut when he struggled for the Bosox.
Second Opinion: Rick's just in a slump; he's not crazy.
FINDING THE ZONE
Therapy: Hypnotists offer to put clients in a "universal trance." (Rick must have been to this site already.)
Second Opinion: These guys can lower your golf score-which could be helpful if Rick can't get this wild thing worked out.
PSYCH YOURSELF OUT
Therapy: Don't obsess over worries, but stay alert for real danger.
Second Opinion: Shouldn't we be telling this to the fans behind the plate?
by David Mosse
Rick Ankiel has a last resort: look to the stars! A group of astrologers called the Magi Society (magisociety.com) believes Chiron-a comet that orbits Saturn and Uranus-is a powerful influence on sports. By studying birth charts, the Magi say it's possible to determine when athletes will peak ("Golden Times") or struggle ("Slump Times"). Magi astrologers insist their system explains events like David Cone's perfect game and Bill Buckner's fatal error. (It also accounts for Monica Lewinsky's liaisons with Bubba.) Why didn't Pedro Martinez get credit for his nine innings of perfection in 1995? It simply wasn't his Golden Time. Sadly, Ankiel can't just go online to find out when his troubles will subside; he'll have to buy the software for that.
This article appears in the June 25 issue of ESPN The Magazine.