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Who's got 'roids?
ESPN The Magazine

CORRECTION TO LAST COLUMN: "NBC 75" refers to the network's anniversary, not the number of days it will take them to complete the NBA playoffs.

Bud Selig claims six to eight teams will fold by 2004.

But to be fair, he's counting the Seattle Pilots.

Arthur Andersen is no longer the official accountant of Major League Baseball memorabilia. Good move. Why would anyone want to be associated with an outfit that can't give a straight answer about finances? And Arthur Andersen is no bargain either.

Meanwhile, the players union is already talking about going out on strike in August. Weather permitting.

Mike Piazza
But would he really want to marry Liza Minnelli?

Mike Piazza held a press conference to announce he's not gay. Well, there goes his chance of ever being married to Liza Minnelli.

The Mets are taking steps to avoid a possible scandal. Starting next month, there'll be no more show tunes between innings.

The commissioner's office will run tests on Barry Bonds' maple bat. They'll see how it tastes on waffles.

Come on, what tests? What are they going to do? Put it in the humidor with the Coors Field baseballs and try to make a baby?

Marlin Andy Fox boasted he packed three pairs of underwear for a two-week road trip. Uh, I'll take "Things I'd Rather Not Know About" for $2000, Alex.

Recently retired Jose Canseco says 85% of the players use steroids. Do you know what this means? Ozzie Canseco must really stink.

Steroid use is out of hand. The Phillie Phanatic now has acne and mood swings.

Jeff Nelson's bone chips spur Internet auction frenzy.

Bidding on eBay reached $23,600. But let's be fair. That includes shipping and handling.

Help me out here. If the high bid had been from a lefthanded hitter, would eBay have brought in Arthur Rhodes' bone chips?

The auction was stopped when eBay stated it doesn't allow the sale of body parts. Wait a minute. You mean I'm not the proud owner of Luis Tiant's big toe?

Houston wins NBA draft lottery.

Can't wait until Texans start calling their new center "Y'all Ming." Speaking of which, sure lottery pick Jason Williams of Duke wants to be known as "Jay." In a related story, Jayson Williams will be known as "Jail."

The Charlotte Hornets have made it official: they're moving to New Orleans. In medical terms, this is known as a severe case of Shinn Splits.

National Football League bans ephedra.

Use of the "legal speed" was widespread in the NFL. The most popular form was chewable pills that came in a Pez dispenser shaped like Bill Romanowski.

In other football news, Cardinals safety Pat Tillman quit to join the Army. He plans to attend boot camp, provided he makes it through miniboot camp.

Darrell Green spoke at George Washington University's commencement. He received an honorary degree: PhDB.

Anna Kournikova unseeded for French Open.

But get this, the Penthouse version of Anna Kournikova is seeded No. 22.

War Emblem wins Preakness.

You know what's scary? Last August, the CIA knew a Saudi owner would take a shot at the Triple Crown.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to tell Spider-Man he's not eligible for a Baseball Tonight "Web Gem."

Bill Scheft grabbed a chunk of sod from the last Rosie O'Donnell Show. This article appears in the June 10 issue of ESPN The Magazine.



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