Where is Todd McFarlane when you need him?

During Mark McGwire's home run chase three years ago, everyone behaved more or less civilly. Several fans gave the ball back to McGwire, including Tim Forneris, the groundskeeper who returned home run No. 62, telling Big Mac, "I believe I have something that belongs to you."

Even Philip Ozersky, the research scientist who auctioned off the record 70th ball (which was a proper and understandable response -- why, after all, did a baseball player earning $10 million a year deserve the ball more than a scientist earning one-three hundreth of that amount?), put much of his windfall to a good cause.

(The battle over who should own Barry Bonds' 73rd home run ball) would have been so much simpler had Bonds only hit the record home run at Wrigley Field. Those morons would have just thrown it back onto the field.

And then we have the Barry Bonds home run balls.

The first indication things might get a little ugly this time around was last Thursday when Bonds hit 70 to tie McGwire's record and the man who caught it, Charles Murphy, spent his press conference delivering the most rambling response ever heard outside of Congress.

Here are some verbatim excerpts, and no, I'm not making these up:

"The first time I ever saw Meryl Streep, she was leaning against the fence at Erihoma Park, and what a delight that was. I said, 'Steve, who is that babe?' He looks over to me and says, 'That's Meryl Streep. You don't know who she is?' Like I was supposed to know her or something. I'm still from Mingo Junction, Ohio."

"I felt the ball hit my hand and I pulled it out. That was a rush of energy and then a miraculous rush of estrogen or whatever it was. To be pulled on the pants by police and know you are getting help -- they were wonderful and I appreciate it. It was a moment of glory I could not let go. And they thought Jesus was coming because I was telling them, 'Jesus was coming.' "

"If you ever read poetry or something like that, maybe try a little, I think it's James Wright from Martin's Ferry. Coming to Martin's Ferry would be a good read. You'll enjoy it."

The last quote, by the way, was after a reporter asked Murphy how old he was. Just be glad he didn't ask for his favorite color.

After that, we had home run 72, which a fan dropped, allowing it to bounce back onto the field for the costliest error in baseball history. The error also prompted this taunt from a nearby security guard: "Yeah, they all choked. What you gonna tell your mother? 'I smelled the ball as it went by?' That's what you all get for being greedy."

Apparently, the guard used to work the bleacher section in Yankee Stadium.

And then, finally, we had his record 73rd home run ball Sunday. Alex Popov apparently caught the record ball with his glove, only to be immediately mobbed by surrounding fans. In the scrum that followed, Popov lost the ball and Patrick Hayashi wound up with it.

Hayashi hasn't commented on what he will do with the ball other than writing, "I am just savoring the moment" in an e-mail. The Giants say major-league baseball identified Hayashi as the possessor and that's that. Popov, however, has gotten a lawyer and is threatening criminal action if he doesn't get the ball back.

Makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it?

I don't know how this will be resolved but it's a crime if the legal proceedings climb as high as Judge Judy's courtroom. Rather than waste a minute of taxpayer-funded court time, what these folks need is a refresher on the basic rules and etiquette for catching foul balls and home runs.

1. If you're serious about catching a ball, bring a glove. Just be prepared to look like a dork.

2. There are no fair catches in baseball and you can't call "I got it!" If you want it, you have to reach over the fans next to you and fight for it. And you know what that means. Drop the beer and hot dog.

3. On the other hand, don't ever purposely knock the ball out of someone else's grasp. Once the ball is firmly in the glove or in the hand, that's it. It's theirs. Game over. You want a ball badly enough to assault someone else for it? Then go play football with the rest of the 'roid rage cases.

4. Furthermore, don't ever push, bump or in any way impede a child to make the catch. To do so is too pathetic for words. Unless, of course, it's Jeffrey Maier.

5. Two hands.

6. If you catch the ball and hold onto it, you are allowed to shout and pump your fist and do a little dance. But keep it short. Then excuse yourself, say you need to get another beer and hightail it to the bathroom where you will be safe from the eyes of impressionable children, allowing you to rub your hands and howl in pain.

7. If you drop the ball, score it an error and slink away quietly, hoping no one notices your bad hands. I mean, Bill Buckner did not hold a press conference to tell people, "I was thaaaaaaatttt close to fielding that ball cleanly."

Like I said, I don't know how the 73rd home run ball issue will get resolved but I hope the two fans settle it with some measure of dignity and perspective, plus a donation to the New York relief fund from whatever profits there are.

Of course, this would have been so much simpler had Bonds only hit the record home run at Wrigley Field. Those morons would have just thrown it back onto the field.

Box score line of the week
Barry hit his 73rd home run. Rickey scored his 2,246th career run by homering and sliding into home. And Curt Schilling opened the playoffs by pitching a three-hit shutout. But this week's award goes to Florida starter Ryan Dempster for his classic season-ending line against Atlanta last Friday, when he threw 45 pitches, a couple in the dirt, a couple over a batter's head and only 14 over the plate. His line:

.2 IP, 1 H, 7 R, 7 ER, 6 BB, 1 K, 1 WP

His successors weren't much better. Beniti Baez allowed eight runs in 1.2 innings and the Marlins eventually resorted to outfielder John Mabry, who allowed five runs and retired only one batter in the 20-3 loss.

Lies, damn lies and statistics
Our pick for the National League MVP? Gotta go with Barry Bonds, who had one of the great seasons at the plate in history, if not the greatest. He broke the home run record with 73. He set the record for highest slugging percentage (.863). He was the first player since Ted Williams and Mickey Mantle in 1957 to have an on-base percentage of at least .500 (.515 to be exact). He averaged a home run every 12 swings of the bat. ... By the way, it's all or nothing in the Bonds family. Barry holds the record for most home runs in a season (73) while his father holds the record for most strikeouts (189). ... Our MVP pick in the American League? Bret Boone by a nose over Ichiro. As much as Ichiro added to Seattle, Boone scored only nine fewer runs while driving in 72 more. His slugging percentage was 121 points higher and his on-base percentage was just nine points lower. And don't say that having the two of them in the lineup means each was less valuable than Jason Giambi in the Oakland lineup. Take away either Boone or Ichiro and maybe the Mariners don't win 116 games, but they still win close to as many as Oakland did. ... Ichiro note of the week: This year's batting title gives him eight titles in a row, counting his seven Pacific League titles in Japan. His 242 hits were the most in the majors since Hoover was president and 36 more than the next nearest player this season. ... Why did Rod Carew resign as Milwaukee's hitting coach? The Brewers were the first team in history to have more strikeouts (1,399) than hits (1,378). ... How good was Seattle's record? Despite winning a club-record 91 games and reaching the playoffs last season, they increased their winning percentage by more points (154) than anybody else, including the Phillies (120) and Twins (99).

From left field
Was this season the greatest ever? Well, it certainly was among them. Barry set the home run record, Rickey set the runs record and reached 3,000 hits, Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. played their final games -- and that was just the last four days of the season.

But a year that ends in a one is usually pretty newsworthy, as the list below shows:

Year: The skinny

2001: Barry sets HR record, Rickey sets runs record, gets 3,000th hit, Tony and Cal play final game, Ichiro-mania, Mariners win 116 games

1991: Twins, Braves go from worst to first, Rickey breaks Brock's stolen base record, Nolan pitches seventh no-hitter, one of the greatest World Series ever played

1981: Fernando-mania, strike ruins everyone's summer, Cal makes debut, Dodgers win playoff series on ninth-inning homer

1971: Good Giants-Dodgers pennant race, final season for Senators in Washington, Vida Blue goes 24-8 as Oakland dynasty begins, classic World Series as Pirates win in seven games

1961: Baseball expands, Maris breaks Ruth's record, Yaz debuts, Spahn wins 300th and throws no-hitter, Mays hits four homers in one game, Cubs managed by College of Coaches, Stu Miller blown off mound in All-Star Game

1951: Mays, Mantle and Eddie Gaedel all debut, DiMaggio bows out, Giants-Dodgers pennant race, Thomson's home run

1941: Ted hits .406, DiMaggio hits in 56 in a row, Gehrig dies, Greenberg homers before enlisting, Musial debuts, Dizzy retires, exciting Dodgers-Yanks World Series

1931: Lefty Grove wins 31, Cardinals upset A's in World Series, Mays born

1921: Black Sox trial in Chicago, Babe hits record 59 home runs, more than every other AL team, first game broadcast on radio, Cobb gets 3,000th hit, Giants-Yankees World Series at Polo Grounds

1911: A's form $100,000 infield, Cobb bats .420 and has 40-game hit streak, Shoeless Joe hits runnerup .408 as rookie, Pete Alexander wins rookie-record 28 games, "Home Run" Baker leads A's to World Series win, first MVP awards

1901: First year of American League, Mathewson wins 20 and throws no-hitter in first full season, Cy Young wins 33, Nap Lajoie wins AL Triple Crown

Voice of summer
"Where I was raised, if you wanted to be successful, you found someone else who was successful and followed their lead. I followed Tony Gwynn from the start. I followed him to McDonald's. I followed him to Burger King. I followed him ..."

-- John Kruk on one of his first teammates in pro ball and a kindred spirit.

Jim Caple is a Senior Writer for ESPN.com.