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David Wells bent over a desk in his Tampa condo, tackling the rewrite of his biography, the new working title of which is "Sunshine, Flowers, Sandy Duncan And Me: A Career In Baseball."
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I Misquoted Myself
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 | | So if you were Mike Piazza, what would you do with the splintered bat Roger Clemens threw at you? |
In the first draft of his upcoming autobiography, "Perfect I'm Not! Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches and Baseball," New York Yankees pitcher David Wells made several claims that he now says he would like to take back.
Here are some of the more incendiary excerpts of his book:
On players and steroids: "As of right now, I'd estimate 25 to 40 percent of all major leaguers are juiced. But that number's fast rising."
On teammate Roger Clemens: "Derek Jeter and Scott Brosius have taken beanballs to the head from this guy and a huge percentage of this team hates Clemens' guts."
On Clemens and Mets catcher Mike Piazza's run-in in the 2000 World Series: "Trust me, if I were Mike Piazza, that broken bat would still be shoved up Roger's (butt)."
On teammate Mike Mussina: "The Moose and I have played on two squads now, and I have to admit, we don't always see eye to eye. We're not pals, we don't hang."
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Excerpts follow.
"I remember the day of my perfect game. The day broke warm and sunny, and I rose at 5:30 a.m. as I always do. A quick round of yoga and calisthenics, my morning oatmeal and three-bran muffin (I drink too much coffee, I must confess) and I was ready for the day's work. I got to the ballpark before the clubhouse kids, helped fold towels and then began preparing for the Minnesota Twins when I suddenly felt a headache coming on. 'Must be that damned herbal tea,' I muttered to myself, then I went out and pitched the game of my life. I don't know why it all came together for me that day, because I certainly never thought I had one in me, but I guess all those years of clean living eventually paid off. And I never drank that damned herbal tea again."
"I've spent what must be years in clubhouses, and I see how much bigger and stronger players are now than when I broke in. For the longest time I never understood why. Then one day it hit me, when I looked inside a teammate's locker and saw the secret ... Flintstones Chewable Vitamins. I asked him, 'What's this stuff?' He told me, 'Good for what ails you, my man. I do a Barney, a Fred and two Dinos every day, and I feel like I could hit for an hour in the cage and then lift a tractor motor. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it. There must be 30, maybe 40 percent of the guys in baseball on this stuff. It's a real kick in the ass.' I never took the stuff myself; I'm more a body-is-the-temple-of-the-spirit type. Maybe I'm waiting for the Spongebob vitamin; that little guy cracks me up. But I've had a pretty good career without all those chemical stimulants, and I don't think I'm going to change now."
"When I saw Roger Clemens throw that broken bat back at Mike Piazza in the World Series, I was shocked ... no, stupefied, more like. I'd never seen anything like it in my life. I know in the heat of the battle some guys can get a little geeked up, but to throw a bat at a guy ... that is so not cool. If I were Piazza, I think I would have walked up to Clemens and said, 'Now that's just not called for. I think you should apologize right here and now,' and if Roger didn't, I'd just walk away and spend a little time in my sweat lodge thinking about man's cruelty to his fellow man."
"George Steinbrenner? Hell of a guy. Salt of the earth. Backbone of New York. He is incredibly generous, kind and modest, and even though he occasionally will criticize his players in the press (now those guys ought to get a bat shoved up their asses, and you'll pardon my French), he is mostly a grand fellow. I think if you asked Derek Jeter, he'd say the same thing. Now I've played for some guys I didn't particularly like, and I've occasionally said so, but George ... I'd dress like a chicken and stand in Macy's window at high noon for the man."
"Brian Cashman and Joe Torre? I don't wish to seem too controversial here, but they deserve nothing less than sainthood ... and I'm not even Catholic."
"New York is a fascinating town, the best I've ever played in. All the museums, art galleries, libraries, the rich diversity of cultures and ethnicities ... it sure isn't Kansas City, and I mean no disrespect to the people of Kansas City when I say that. I love all people. But New York ... well, you know it's the city that never sleeps. Me, I always get my eight hours. Sometimes I even live on the edge and get nine."
"I never thought I'd write a book. I always enjoyed reading them, even the sports books. I especially like the life-affirming tales of athletes who have overcome adversity to excel ... poverty, bad neighborhoods, unsavory companions, book publishers ... there are traps everywhere, but you just have to be on your guard. I've had to learn that the hard way at times, but I'm all the richer for it. I guess I'm just a people person."
"I enjoyed my first experience as an author immensely, and I'd love to try my hand at something outside the autobiographical genre. I think my next book may be a self-help guide for athletes. Maybe I'll call it, 'Typing -- Threat Or Menace.' And thanks for buying this book. You've been a fabulous reader."
"I married Anna Kournikova first."
Ray Ratto is a columnist with the San Francisco Chronicle and a regular contributor to ESPN.com
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A tamer Bronx Zoo
