Hack of the week
It isn't every day you see a hitter swing at a pitch that hits him in the waist.

	Perez

But Phillies infielder Tomas Perez pulled off that impressive feat last weekend against one of those ridiculous frisbees unleashed by tricky Diamondbacks closer Byung-Hyun Kim.

Now that isn't normally what's meant by the term, "waste pitch." And let's just say Perez's teammates noticed.

"Suppose he'd swung at that pitch the way he did and actually made contact," Phillies center field quotesmith Doug Glanville told Wild Pitches. "It would have knocked the mask off the umpire's face. That would have been a first."

And while we're supposing, suppose the Phillies still had their Kangaroo Court. How big a fine would Perez have gotten for an infraction like this one?

"Basically," Glanville decided, "he would have had to declare bankruptcy."

Baserunning clinic of the week
So what do you know -- the Mariners have done something wrong this year.

Wednesday in Tampa Bay, they played a baseball game in which a Marx Brothers movie broke out on the basepaths.

In the second inning, with David Bell on first, catcher Tom Lampkin roped a hit-and-run line drive to right. In charged right fielder Ben Grieve to just miss picking it off his shoetops.

But Bell wasn't sure of that. So he hit the brakes between first and second, so he could bolt back to first base. Lampkin, meanwhile, got a clear view of the play and decided to stretch his hit into a double.

You know where this is headed. Lampkin was sprinting toward second, when he looked up and saw Bell heading in the opposite direction. And that got both guys so panicked, they then U-turned and motored back the other way one more time -- sliding into their bases in near-synchronicity. Except that Lampkin was already out for passing Bell the first time.

Only one guy on the field felt more helpless than Lampkin and Bell -- first-base coach John Moses.

"I needed extra arms," Moses told the Seattle Post-Intelligencer's John Hickey. "I'm trying to get one guy going one way and the other guy going the other way. I've been in this game 20 years, and I've never seen a play quite like that."

Manager Lou Piniella on this spectacle: "My catcher was running like the malt-liquor bull."

Piazzaism of the week
We all share in the decline of modern civilization that the Danny Almonte mess represents. But no one in baseball appears more saddened than our hero, Mike Piazza.

"There's no such thing as integrity in this world anymore," Piazza told the Newark Star Ledger's Lawrence Rocca this week. "I'm guilty, too. I've become what I detest."

And how, exactly, had he become what he detests?

"I drank an espresso and a cappuccino at the same time," Piazza revealed. "That could give me an unfair edge. I ate a dozen oysters before a game. I could have been given a hormonal boost. I've also eaten chocolate. Chocolate is proven to have some sort of libido effect as well, hasn't it?"

Yeah, he's a regular Almonte, all right.

Sosa impression of the week
When you start trying to explain baseball, you get stumped by developments like this:

	Febles

Royals second baseman Carlos Febles had one home run all year (in 175 at-bats) before the Angels came to town Tuesday. Then he hit four homers in three games -- two Tuesday, one Wednesday, one Thursday.

When Febles' name came up in the Angels' clubhouse Wednesday, center fielder Darin Erstad replied: "You mean Babe Ruth? I think that's what you call the definition of being locked in. Maybe I should talk to him."

Said Febles' manager, Tony Muser: "I don't know what he's eating -- but keep eating it."

So the Kansas City Star's Dick Kaegel decided to find out what Febles was eating.

"Rice and beans," Febles reported. "Every day."

Walking man of the week
It's this kind of season in Kansas City:

A man drawing an otherwise-meaningless walk becomes the Royals' Event of the Year.

But that's because that walk was drawn by outfielder Mark Quinn. And he hadn't walked in so long, he was making Alfonso Soriano look like Barry Bonds.

Before Thursday, Quinn's last unintentional walk had come May 8, against Cleveland's Dave Burba. So by this week, as Quinn's streak roared well past 200 plate appearances, even a three-ball count had Royals crowds stoked to a frenzy.

So Tuesday, the customers were buzzing when Quinn worked a real, live 3-2 count off Angels reliever Ben Weber. He fouled off the next two pitches as the pandemonium mounted, and then ... got hit by a pitch with the bases loaded.

"They finally threw him a 3-2 pitch he couldn't swing at," said manager Tony Muser, "and it hit him in the rear."

Ah, but this drama wasn't over. Two days later, Quinn mounted yet another 3-2 count -- this time against Angels pitcher Jarrod Washburn (who had gone 22 1/3 straight innings without issuing a walk himself). And ...

Washburn fired one high and outside. And stop the presses Mark Quinn had actually walked -- for the first time in 241 plate appearances. Which prompted not only a cheer -- but a fireworks show. Not to mention two winners in the clubhouse (reliever Scott Mullen and coach Tom Gamboa) of the $120 player pool.

"I think the fireworks were a little overboard," Quinn said. "But that's what the fans want to see. That's what they got. ... I'm glad to get the monkey off my back. Now everybody can find something else to blow up and make a big deal out of."

M-pathy of the week
Here's how terrifying it is to play the Mariners this season: Even when you beat them, they scare the heck out of you.

The Cleveland Indians took a one-run lead into the bottom of the ninth on the Mariners last Sunday. In came closer Bob Wickman.

Mike Cameron led off the inning with a single. But Wickman then struck out David Bell for the first out. So far, so good.

But then it started. Wickman broke Carlos Guillen's bat. That's good, right? Wrong. Guillen dribbled a ball to short and beat it out for an infield single. Two on.

Next, Stan Javier chopped a ball off the plate. Naturally, it ricocheted higher than the Space Needle for another infield single. Bases loaded.

Asked what he thought when that ball was in the air, Wickman told the Cleveland Plain Dealer's Paul Hoynes: "I was hoping no one noticed that it bounced off the plate. I was going to call the infield-fly rule."

That meant all Wickman had to do to nail down his save was retire Ichiro, a man who's impossible either to strike out or double up. But he got a chopper to the mound and a 1-2 force at home for one out.

Then Mark McLemore grounded out. And the Indians had survived. But not without elevating their blood pressure to levels that would panic the cardiac wards.

"I don't know what Seattle has going on over there," said relieved manager Charlie Manuel. "But they ought to be out in the streets looking for wallets."

Intentional walks of the week