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Making a scene: Big Baller Knows Best?

Illustration by Rafa Alvarez

This story originally appeared in ESPN The Magazine. Subscribe today!

What if LaVar Ball raised a normal kid and not the Lakers' newest point guard? Emmy-winning screenwriter Alan Yang of Netflix's Master of None imagines life with the king of dad brags.

SCRIPT NOTES: I woke up this morning and I was 15 years old again -- except LaVar Ball was my dad.

INT. YANG FAMILY HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
LAVAR YANG is holding a press conference in front of a large group of reporters. ALAN (me) sits next to him.

LAVAR YANG
I guarantee -- GUAR-AN-TEE -- that Alan's academic decathlon team will not only win states, THEY WILL WIN NATIONALS!

REPORTER
OK ... what are we supposed to do with that information?

LAVAR YANG
Alan will be the greatest academic decathlon participant OF ALL TIME! He's so good, he's gonna make Eugene Lee look like Edison Chang!

REPORTER
I don't know who either of those people are.

LAVAR YANG
The only thing that can stop him is if the slow white guys on his team drag the whole school down! That better not happen! I got my eyes on you, Trey and Logan!

LaVar STARES DAGGERS at two white kids standing at the side of the room who look scared.

REPORTER #2
How did you even get this many people to show up at a press 
conference about academic decathlon?

LAVAR YANG
This isn't just about that! Did you know that Alan also worked 
in a biology lab at UC Riverside in the summer? HE KNOWS HOW TO USE A CENTRIFUGE!

REPORTER #2
Wow. I've never heard anyone yell the word "centrifuge" that loud.

LAVAR YANG
Science is the future of America!!! Everyone needs to man up and get that through their damn heads! Did you know every top biotech company has already made offers to Alan -- but WE TURNED THEM ALL DOWN?!

REPORTER #2
Why?

LAVAR YANG
We're going to start our own company! The Big Yang Gang!

REPORTER
What is that company going to do?

LAVAR YANG
We're going to revolutionize everything! The world will never 
be the same. Big Yang Gang will completely change the game!

REPORTER
How?

LAVAR YANG
By selling shirts and hats! And $500 shoes! We'll also offer SAT prep classes! Do you know what Alan got on the SAT?

REPORTER
No.

LAVAR YANG
IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!!! If you don't believe me, just listen to this guy.

MAGIC JOHNSON approaches the microphone.

MAGIC JOHNSON
Alan is exactly the kind of academic decathlete we'd love to have on our team out in LA.

Magic WINKS VERY NOTICEABLY at me.

REPORTER
Hold on. No. 1: How the hell did you get Magic Johnson to come to this press conference? Is he running a high school decathlon program for some reason? No. 2: Aren't you technically not allowed to express interest in other schools' academic decathletes? Isn't that tampering?

MAGIC JOHNSON
I didn't say we were going to sign Alan; I just said he's a very 
good decathlete and winked at him. There's nothing in the rulebook about winking!

Magic WINKS EVEN HARDER at me.

REPORTER #2
OK. This has been extremely weird. Can we go now?

LAVAR YANG
No! We haven't even gotten to why we're all here today! Alan is also the best at piano! Have you seen him play Bach's Italian Concerto?

REPORTER #2
I've never heard of him until today, so no.

LAVAR YANG
It's so beautiful that it will bring you to tears! Alan, show them!

I sheepishly walk over to the piano and start playing a very mediocre version of Bach's Italian Concerto. Magic, delighted, is WINKING LIKE CRAZY now, basically at everyone in the room.

REPORTER
All right, I'm definitely leaving now.

LAVAR YANG
Sit your ass down until he's done! YOU STAY IN YOUR LANE!!!

FADE OUT.