<
>

The NBA's ultimate offseason Rorschach test for 2019

illustration by Alex Anderson

Good to see you again. Take three deep breaths and meditate for a moment on the idea of bringing calm to an ocean of chaos. Please look at this image and tell me what you see.

What a Rockets fan sees

Is that Ms. Inotnad? She saved our seventh-grade choir. We had two star singers, Ricky and Darren, who kept bickering about petty stuff -- like which band was better, the Goo Goo Dolls or Matchbox 20. Luckily, Ms. Inotnad pulled them aside and said that, actually, neither band was good. They all had a big laugh, and we were ready to challenge for the county title again the next year!

What the rest of the NBA sees

Whoa, Mad Dog Turner! He owned a cool bookstore, Page Turners, where I got my first job, but he hired two toxic managers who were getting divorced from each other. Mad Dog let it turn into a dumpster fire -- literally, the husband and wife got mad once, put all the books into a dumpster and lit them on fire. It was so traumatic to see those books in flames. Can we stop now?

* Can the Rockets make (soothing) waves in free agency? Monitor all the July drama on ESPN.com.