Hockey Night in Canada pundit Harry Neale, no stranger to the stresses of life behind a bench, once described the job thusly: "Coaching is about keeping the half of the team that hates you away from the half that's undecided."

	Mike Keenan-type charisma is a must-have for the ultimate NHL coach.

Tough way to make a living, huh?

With the retirement of Scotty Bowman, the game's unassailable master puppeteer, after 1,244 regular-season wins, nine Stanley Cups, the title of Best Coach in the NHL is wide open.

There are obvious candidates to be the heir apparent -- Ken Hitchcock, Marc Crawford, Jacques Lemaire, Pat Burns, and on and on. But it's pretty safe to assume that in our lifetime at any rate, none of them can legitimately expect to touch him, stand beside him or inherit his throne.

So short of being able to replace Bowman, the next best thing would be to build a coaching composite, selecting the best qualities from those who would emulate his success and wrap all the ingredients together into one NHL Super Coach, circa 2002-2003.

Here, then, stitched together from the 30 men who currently ply their trade at the NHL level, is the Frankenstein monster of coaches, and the parts they're contributing to creating the best of the best:

MOTIVATION: Ken Hitchcock, Philadelphia Flyers
Some guys pat. Some guys pound. Hitch, one of the nicest men you'll ever talk to in the game, almost uses an inverse sort of motivation. He ain't exactly beloved by his players, but that in itself is a powerful motivating tool -- if the coach has the backing of ownership and management, which Hitchcock did in Dallas and does in Philly.

He gets what he wants, by hook or by crook.

Some coaches, like Chicago's Brian Sutter, have learned who to kiss (Alexei Zhamnov, Phil Housley) and who to kick (Boris Mironov). And, make no mistake, Sutter's brand of tough, selective love is successful in drawing effort out of middling teams.

Meanwhile, there are those who'll opt for the Mike Keenan School of Motivation -- the thinking here being that the easy thing to do is nothing, whereas Iron Mike isn't afraid to browbeat, or bench or play musical goalies in order to get the desired results.

Neither Keenan nor Hitchcock nor Sutter are into that turn-of-the-century, get-in-touch-with-your-feelings stuff.

They just want results, baby.

SALESMANSHIP: Jacques Lemaire, Minnesota Wild
Name another coach who gets more out of what he's got? Minnesota is the best TEAM in the NHL, player 1 through 20, in the strictest sense of the description. All those coaching clichés ... buying into the system, being on the same page, etc., etc., etc. ... aren't merely rhetoric with the Wild. Lemaire's unparalleled combination of smarts, technical acumen and respect among his players combine to make him the frontrunner for this year's Jack Adams Trophy. He's got them practicing what he preaches.

BENCH WILES: Joel Quenneville, St. Louis Blues
This is where Scotty Bowman had it all over his contemporaries, and anyone else in the history of the biz. It takes in using players in the right situations, how much to play them, etc. Invariably, the best bench coaches are the ones whose teams own the top road records; are solid in situations where they don't have the luxury of last change.

In this category, Quenneville gets a strong run for his money from the Canucks' Marc Crawford.

CAUSTIC WIT: Darryl Sutter, Calgary Flames
A man of few words. But that makes all the impact. These ranters and ravers don't get it. Impact is not about decibel level. Sutter's poison-tipped barbs are the stuff of legend.

Once, after pulling an irate Eddie Belfour from a road game, Sutter waited for the hot-headed goaltender to perform a crude striptease of his equipment before leaning back, visible behind the row of players seated on the Blackhawk bench, to chirp: "Hey, Eddie! You're not doing anything now anyway. How's about going to get some pizzas for the bus?" Belfour, it was reported, went ballistic.

Another gem, while coaching the San Jose Sharks: An unimpressed Sutter greeted Tony Granato, one of the fiercest competitors of his time, at the bench with the withering line: "Nice shift ... Cammi." The reference was to Granato's Olympic gold-medal winning sister.

When it comes to biting sarcasm, quality always trumps quantity. Cold, cutting, ruthless. In a fiercely-contested category, Sutter's the pick.

HABERDASHERY: Pat Burns, New Jersey Devils
Even Ranger fans have gotta admit, for an ex-cop from Quebec, this guy dresses awful spiffy.

TACTICS: Andy Murray, Los Angeles Kings
No coach has had to deal with more injuries, and crippling ones, than Murray, a schoolmasterly sort with a rod of steel for a spine. His superb mixing and matching have kept the Kings competitive. It's doubtful any coach of the moment sends his footsoldiers into battle better prepared.

QUOTABILITY: Paul Maurice, Carolina Hurricanes
Smart, erudite, self-effacing and willing, he's a PR man's dream and had the media hacks at the Stanley Cup finals entertained.

When asked about his personality during the series, Maurice admitted talking hockey comes easier to him than talking about himself. "I can understand the hockey (questions). These ones I am not very good at," he said. Then, after expounding for a few minutes, he concluded with: "... I beat that to death, didn't I? Pretty much nothing that you can use. I noticed you stopped writing. It was a good call by you."

Too bad he's kind of lost out in the hockey hinterland.

GLARE: Brian Sutter, Chicago Blackhawks
Don't piss him off, or brrrrrrr ...

CHARISMA: Mike Keenan, Florida Panthers
The Darth Vadar of the coaching fraternity, the Scotty wanna-be. Like his style or loathe it, there's no doubting he's got his share of chutzpah, and he isn't one to be a fence-sitter. From the slicked-back 'do to the scowl to the infamous mind-gamesmanship he's turned into an art form, Iron's one of a kind. Sure, his shelf life is limited, but he still exudes an incredible aura.

Pat Quinn, Toronto's leathery old Irishman, has his own sort of charisma, in a cigar-chompin', baleful-looking way, but Keenan is the old maestro in this department.

So there you have it, the created monster. Put it all together and any organization would be set behind the bench for years to come.

Smart, tough, respected, experienced. In total, one helluva hockey coach.

And at that, alas, still not smart enough, tough enough, respected enough and experienced enough to steer the Thrashers or Preds into the playoffs.

George Johnson of the Calgary Herald is a regular contributor to ESPN.com.