VANCOUVER, British Columbia -- Totally awesome party, Canada. Mind if we help ourselves to some more of your beer?
We are Canada's worst nightmare, the guests who won't leave. Our great northern neighbors graciously invited the world to see everything they have to offer and now are watching us eat all their food and drink all their booze (including the expensive stuff they kept in the cabinet where they thought we'd never see it). We took over the master suite and forced them to sleep on the couch. Not that they can sleep -- we're hogging the remote, turning the volume up to 11 and staying up late each night while chanting the same three letters so loudly they need earplugs in Moose Jaw.
When Canadian border officials asked what we were bringing into the country, we conveniently forgot to mention the Costco-size pallet of industrial-strength whoop-ass we had in the trunk. American athletes have spent so much time on the podium, they could order cable and still be there when the guy finally shows up to install it. As far as I can tell, we've won every single event in these Olympics. Or maybe it just seems like it. Either way, you don't want to be standing behind American athletes in the airport medal detector line.
Our athletes are overcoming so much adversity, Ralph Lauren should have included bloody socks in the official uniforms and gear. Lindsey Vonn won gold in the downhill after severely bruising her shin a week before these Games. Shaun White won gold in the halfpipe after smacking his face on a jump two weeks before these Games. Bode Miller won bronze, silver and gold after destroying his image four years before these Games.
Canada can't get its ice machines to start, but our ice machines won't stop. Evan Lysacek beat Evgeni Plushenko in men's figure skating. Shani Davis successfully defended his gold medal in the men's 1,000 meters. Ballroom dancer Apolo Ohno added two more medals to his collection. We're figuratively and literally cleaning up here -- Johnny Weir said he prepared for his figure skating routine by taking a can of Pledge to his room. It's been such a day at the beach for us, Vonn actually wore a bikini on a snowy Whistler slope (for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue). How easy are we making it look? Not only do we have an SI swimsuit model winning gold, Julia Mancuso has won two silvers and launched a lingerie line.
We're not just winning medals in the new sports added to the Olympics just so the U.S. could win and boost ratings, we're winning the old-school events, too. On snow or ice, indoors or outdoors. You name it, we've won in it. We even have a medal in Nordic combined, the first time we've ever managed that.
We even defeated Canada 5-3 in hockey Sunday night, beating our hosts at their national game. Do you believe in a favorable exchange rate!?! The victory gave us a bye to the quarterfinals and sent Canadian fans staggering into the streets wondering how much worse things can get.
We scored five goals on thee
More U.S. gold you'll see
And the gold rush may not be over yet. Bode will go for his fourth medal Tuesday. Vonn vies for another gold Wednesday. The U.S. men's hockey team plays in the quarterfinals Wednesday and the U.S. women play for the gold medal Thursday.
So you'll have to excuse us. We've got winners to go see. But first, can we borrow your car keys? Don't worry, we'll have it back in time for the men's gold-medal hockey game because, of course, we'll be in it.
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com. He can be reached here. His Web site is at jimcaple.net.