Tale of the Tape: Eustachy vs. Price
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

To quote Redd Foxx; "Can't a man relax?"

Larry Eustachy (supporters)
With all the entertainment he's provided -- who doesn't love Larry?
Apparently not.

Just ask Larry "Nothing Good Happens After 4 A.M." Eustachy, or Mike "Order Anything You Want" Price. Right now, their A.D.'s have more coaches on speed dial than the NCAA.

Let he who is pure throw the first stone? Fine. Whatever did or didn't happen, I've done worse on a typical Tuesday. Believe me, I'm the last person to sit in moral judgment. That being said, I'll never sit in your living room and ask you to entrust your son to me for the next 4-to-6 years, depending on whether or not I want to red-shirt him.

Eustachy and Price: They're both old enough to know that if you screw up in public, the wolves come out. So do the mean-spirited jokes. And away we go

Larry Eustachy vs. Mike Price
Larry Eustachy
Mike Price
First steps:   Seek help   Seek penicillin   Push
How to get your wife to sit beside you at the press conference:   "You think there are no good shoe stores in Iowa? Try Appalachia! 'Cuz that's our next stop if we don't circle the wagons!"   Slip a c-note in her support hose.   Push
Future recruiting lines:   "Have I told you about all the fantastic microbreweries in Iowa?"   "Can a head coach get a table dance?!"   Push
Acts of generosity:   Offered to buy the next 12-pack   Gave people a reason to forget Franchione's bail out   Price
Lessons learned:   Never party with people too young to have ear-hair   Never leave a stripper alone with your credit card   Push
Turning points:   "You're sure that camera's not loaded?"   "Anybody want to see if 'The Hours' made it to my hotel Spectravision?"   Push
Pick-up lines:   "Isn't Missouri the Show Me State?"   "Those are fake?! Let me get a closer look "   Push
Honorable mention:   "Who wants to fraternize with the enemy?"   "Destiny? Is that your real name?"   Eustachy
What may really cost him his job:   A losing record in his conference   An Amex bill   Push
Probably should have ...:   ... stayed in his room and emptied the mini-bar   ... actually signed that $10 million contract   Push
The NCAA's take:   "We still get all that tournament money, right?"   "Hey, it's not like he paid for a kid to fly home for a funeral."   Push
Personal motto:   "Keep your lips on a tall boy or a short girl."   "It ain't cheatin' if you're in Florida."   Push
$1,000 in hotel charges?:   One bottle of Excedrin, and 48 local calls trying to piece together exactly what the hell you did last night   That's a lot of Doritos stuffed in a g-string. Either she's trying to bulk up for the combines, or she worked up a nice appetite.   Push
How they break it to their families:   "Funny story, heh heh "   "Funny story, heh heh "   Push

So there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a tawdry collision of mid-to-late-life crises, the advantage goes to push, pending this week's developments. And I think we've all learned an important lesson -- when it comes to survival in the spotlight of amateur athletics, you're far better off Bobby Knighting your players to Bruise City than you are Eustachying a few beers and Pricing a lap dance.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.



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