The Yankees officially signed David Wells on Thursday after their doctors finally signed off on the results of the hefty lefty's physical. That was a wise precaution given that the pitcher is 38 years old, weighs (wink, wink) 235 pounds, is coming off season-ending back surgery and once missed part of spring training because of gout.

Unfortunately, the Yankees used the same Toronto doctors who cleared pitcher Mike Sirotka's shoulder last winter.

What did the doctors find? Thanks to Page 2's spies, you can check out the results of the doctor's confidential report below:

1 "Brain scan revealed the entire Metallica songbook, the HTML for the Angelina Jolie website, a fear of fire and a disturbing repetition of the words, 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.' "

2 "After asking the patient to 'Open wide,' my resident is now missing a tongue depressor, a stethoscope and two fingers."

3 "Three anchovies, marinara stains, one Cheeto and, inexplicably, 18 missing Florida ballots for Al Gore were found in Wells' goatee."

4 "When I twisted the left elbow slightly, it made a grinding noise similar to Scott Stapp's vocals on Creed's 'With Arms Wide Open.' "

5 "I had not seen anything like his lower back since Anatomy 101 when we were dissecting cadavers."

6 "X-rays revealed the stomach to contain four dozen Krispy Kremes, three six-packs of Heinekens (one still in the bottle), 11 Domino's pizzas, eight In-N-Out double-double cheeseburgers, five Twinkies and a Louisiana license plate. When asked why he didn't fast the night before his physical, patient said he did."

7 "When I tapped here with reflex hammer, it sounded just like when Fibber McGee would open the closet door."

FINAL DIAGNOSIS: "The patient could afford to mix in a few salads but is otherwise as sound as the Canadian dollar."

Jim Caple is a senior writer for Page 2.