Super Bowl wagering is kids' stuff
By Jim Caple
Page 2

Hey kids! You know why adults get excited about the worst championship game in American sports? Because they can go to Super Bowl parties where they get drunk, eat junk food and gamble! And now you can, too, with Cap'n Jimmy's Super Bowl Fun Page for Young Gamblers!

The Super Bowl Pool!

Print this page and sell the individual squares to your friends for $25 apiece! Each time the event described on a square happens, the owner receives $10! You keep the rest!

A dot-com pays $2.6 million for a 30-second commercial That same dot-com files for Chapter 11 Britney Spears
Tight security prompts guards to frisk Britney Spears repeatedly
Mariah Carey
Mariah Carey mangles the national anthem
Instant replay overturns the coin flip
Pat Summerall

Pat Summerall cries during final broadcast
John Madden uses the telestrator Terry Bradshaw appears in long-distance commercial Fox runs promo for "That '80s Show" Budweiser uses lizard in commercial
Rams flagged for illegal procedure Patriots flagged for pass interference Terry Glenn files a lawsuit Eugene Robinson arrested with hooker in French Quarter Ray Lewis arrested outside strip joint
Lawyer Milloy struts and points to sky after a tackle Marshall Faulk grabs crotch and points to sky after a long run Mary J. Blige struts, grabs crotch and points to sky after "America the Beautiful" U2 performs "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" With score 48-10, Summerall says, "It's not over yet."
Tom Brady drops Super Bowl trophy, but refs rule it a "tuck" Kurt Warner
Kurt Warner yells "I'm going to Disney World!"
Ray Lewis yells, "I'm not going to jail!" Bush
President Bush calls winner's locker room after game
Laura Bush calls paramedics after Dubya chokes on pretzel

The over-under spread!
Just put your money on the category that will wind up with the highest total!
Number of Fox promos or Plays from scrimmage
Fans chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A!" or Fans who actually voted in 2000
Fans who own a Mary J. Blige CD or Fans who own Charlie Pride's greatest hits
Square footage of U.S. flag or Square footage of Grant Williams' jersey
Time of national anthem or Time of first quarter
Time of halftime show or Time of instant replay review
References to 9/11 or References to Fox's "24"
eBay price for Kurt Warner's game jersey or eBay price for Britney Spears' pants

Playing the odds!
You can easily quadruple your money when your long shot comes in!
Bet Odds
Fans will be disappointed the Barenaked Ladies aren't Eagles cheerleaders 1-5
John Madden mentions Enron at any time 25-1
Patriots pour Gatorade on Bill Belichick after game 5-1
Rams pour Gatorade on Mike Martz during halftime 3-1
Gate crasher Dion Rich gets into Super Bowl again 10-1
$100 million quarterback Drew Bledsoe gets into Super Bowl 2-1
First half ratings beat final episode of M*A*S*H 7-1
Second half ratings beat any episode of NBC’s "Emeril" even
Tom Brady completes game unhurt 4-1
President Bush completes game unhurt 6-1

Knowledge Bowl
Pass time during the pregame marathon by testing your friends with the ultimate Super Bowl quiz! Charge $10 an entry and the winner takes home the pot!

1. Which of the following did not perform at a Super Bowl?

    A. The Rockettes
    B. Jim Belushi
    C. Brian Boitano
    D. Mary-Chapin Carpenter
    E. Carol Channing
    F. Neil Diamond
    G. Jewel
    H. Cheryl Ladd
    I. Barry Manilow
    J. Doc Severinsen
    K. Andy Williams
    L. Scott Norwood

(Alas, all have performed in a Super Bowl. Except of course, for Scott Norwood.)

2. At what other sporting venues did these Super Bowl XXXVI performers also appear this year?

    A. U2
    B. Paul McCartney
    C. Mariah Carey

(U2 could be heard at halftime of an NBA final game last spring, McCartney could be seen in a box seat at New York Yankees playoffs games last fall and Carey can still be found stalking Derek Jeter's apartment.)

3. Identify the folded teams from their respective football leagues:

    A. Pittsburgh Maulers
    B. Orlando Renegades
    C. Orlando Rage
    D. Massachusetts Marauders
    E. Iowa Barnstormers
    F. Birmingham Vulcans
    F. Birmingham Thunderbolts
    G. Houston ThunderBears
    H. Portland Thunder

(The Renegades and Maulers played in the USFL; the Thunderbolts and Rage played in the XFL; the Thunder and Vulcans played in the World Football League; the Marauders, ThunderBears and Barnstormers -- Kurt Warner's old team -- played in the Arena League.)

4. Name the teams that played in the following Super Bowls:

    A. "Black Sunday"
    B. "Heaven Can Wait"
    C. "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
    D. "Two Minute Warning"

(A. Steelers and Cowboys; B. Rams and Steelers; C. Dolphins and Eagles; D. Trick question -- that game was just a playoff.)

5. Who plays in the Super Bowl in Tom Clancy's bestseller, "The Sum of All Fears"?

    (San Diego and Minnesota. Leading the Chargers, the Vikings are headed toward their first Super Bowl victory when a terrorist group detonates a nuclear bomb at the stadium. When Clancy later attempted to buy the Vikings, he said, "Nothing personal. Only a coincidence." But the NFL rejected his bid anyway.

    (The movie version is set for release this summer with Ben Affleck as Jack Ryan, but the teams have supposedly been changed to the Chicago Rockets and Alabama Gators. The game supposedly takes place in Baltimore but filming was in Montreal with the CFL's Montreal Alouettes and Toronto Argonauts playing the roles.)

6. Just how long was Doug Williams a black quarterback, anyway?
(Williams played four years for Grambling, three years in the USFL and nine years in the NFL. He was black for all of them.)

Good luck, enjoy the game and remember -- Kool-Aid goes great with Smirnoff!

Jim Caple is a senior writer for



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