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As president of the International Skating Union, the outrageously named Ottavio Cinquanta announced this week that his organization is making sweeping changes to its scoring system that will revolutionize the sport and prevent future judging scandals.
These reforms are desperately needed, particularly in the ice dance, where the winning pair performed their routine -- and I swear I'm not making this up -- to a speech by Martin Luther King. Apparently, the silver medalists failed to land a required element during the Gettysburg Address.
Skeptics immediately claimed Cinquanta's proposals are just more window dressing in the form of a scoring system more complex than the BCS formula. As best we can tell though, Cinquanta means business and sincerely wants to put an end to judging controversies and injustices in the sport. Just look at his following list of proposals, as obtained by Page 2 sources:
Proposed guidelines for judges
To expedite the scoring process, the Russian delegation must submit to the ISU the names of all the judges it has bribed a minimum of 30 days prior to the competition it intends to fix.
|  | | When in doubt, just give an extra gold medal to the Canadians. |
In the interests of secrecy, judges may not pick up their copy of the final results until 48 hours prior to the competition.
Judges from France will be replaced by judges from Vichy France, and they must use the new Euro currency or U.S. dollar equivalent when selling their votes.
To hasten final vote tabulations, competitions may no longer use the confusing butterfly ballot.
Judges may consult instant replay cameras to review whether a skater successfully completed a required element, or if it was just a "tuck."
The scoring panel at the Olympics will expand from nine to 13 judges, adding an independent ISU officer, a judge from a nonparticipating nation and Florida state attorney general Katherine Harris.
Scores in the free program continue to count twice as much as scores in the short program. All ties continue to go to the prettiest skater. If, after the long program a multiple tie exists, the competition will be decided by a short track race around the rink by all skaters. Last skater standing wins.
|  | | Ottavio Cinquanta is taking charge now. |
When in doubt, just give the Canadians an extra gold medal. It will save everyone a lot of time.
The mandatory retirement age for judges will be lowered to 87 from legally dead.
Proposed guidelines for skaters
To reduce judging subjectivity, the 6.0 scoring system will be replaced by a specific 10.0 computer system, giving skaters a quarter-point for every successful triple axel, a half-point for every quadruple toe-loop and a full point for every time Scott Hamilton shouts, "He nailed it!"
Skating to music from "Carmen," "Bolero," "Swan Lake" or anything by Michael Jackson, however, will result in an automatic half-point deduction. Neil Diamond is an automatic full point deduction.
Costumes and makeup for skaters are limited to sequins, plunging necklines, flowing blouses, tights, scarves, ostrich feathers, mascara, rouge, lipstick, eyeliner and blush. As for the ladies, they may wear skirts.
|  | | New costume requirements will drastically alter figure skating. |
At the request of NBC, we will expand competition by adding singles ice dancing.
To add spice and spark ratings, ice dancing will drop the dull two-step and blues dances from compulsory competition, replacing them with a single "lap dance."
Skaters may hold hands and embrace but are forbidden to kiss at any time during the ice dance or pairs competition. The same rule holds true during the men's competition.
And finally ...
To make the Kiss and Cry Zone even more tense, dramatic and emotionally draining, the area will be renamed the Kiss and Cry Chamber, where skaters will be forced to wear heart monitors and answer questions from John McEnroe while awaiting their scores.
Jim Caple, a senior writer for ESPN.com, is currently in Salt Lake City, uncovering the wild and wacky side of the Winter Olympic Games for Page 2.
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SCORING AT HOME |  |
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