Most cataclysmic ending ever!
By Jim Caple
Page 2 columnist

The Page 2 alternate universe World Series between the Cubs and the Red Sox concludes. The Cubs take a 3-2 Series lead heading back to Fenway Park ...

BOSTON -- The Red Sox used the day off to make several adjustments for the final two games. First, they announced that they will not wear cowboy hats and spurs during games anymore because they're making it too hard to run the bases. They will, however, continue to wear bandanas and chaps.

Ted Danson
Sam "May-Day" Malone arrives at Fenway to get in some batting practice, time with the ladies.
Second, with manager Grady Little finally acknowledging that Pedro might be tiring just a bit, the Sox announced they were adding former Boston reliever Sam "May-Day" Malone to the roster. "We don't necessarily want him to pitch, though," general manager Theo Epstein said. "We might use him as a pinch-hitter, given that he is second to Wade Boggs for highest career average with women in scoring position."

Little said that he will start Pedro in Game 6 on Saturday. "He's our ace," Little explained. "He's the best guy I have and I think he has enough gas left in his tank. Besides, he had a day off."

Meanwhile, Fenway Park vendors began selling commemorative t-shirts printed with the reproduction of the New York Post Headline: "CURSE ENDS, BOSOX WIN WORLD SERIES!!!"

And in entertainment news, actor and longtime Red Sox fan Ben Affleck broke up with J-Lo yet again. Affleck denied that his good friend, Matt Damon, came between him and J-Lo, but he did acknowledge that the two actors are adopting a boy and will honor their favorite Red Sox player by naming him Johnny Damon-Affleck.

The Earlier Action
Check out the reports from the other games in Page 2's alternative World Series.

  • Games 1 and 2

  • Games 3, 4 and 5

  • GAME 6, SATURDAY, OCT. 25th
    BOSTON -- The start of Game 6 was delayed 20 minutes after Yankees reliever Jeff Nelson, on a work release furlough from the county jail, threw out the ceremonial first punch in the bullpen. That led to a near-riot, and police had to escort Nelson from the park before an enraged vendor could further injure him. "I hope he drowns in his own vomit," said the vendor, who identified herself as Carla Tortelli.

    There also was an ugly incident during the game when TV cameras focused on celebrity actor Sylvester Stallone, and Cubs first baseman Randall Simon suddenly grabbed a baseball bat and clobbered him. Asked whether he had mistaken the Italian Stallion for the Italian Sausage in the sausage race, Simon shook his head. "Nah, I'm just still ticked off I paid $8 to see 'Get Carter'."

    Trailing 3-2 in the ninth inning, the Red Sox rallied dramatically to win on Nomar Garciaparra's two-run, two-out homer into the Green Monster seats after the team showed an old karaoke video of Kevin Millar wearing a kimono, mascara, lipstick and earrings while singing the old Culture Club number, "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" Millar admitted that the video is embarrassing, but not quite as embarrassing as the cowboy shirt he wore after Game 6 of the series with the Yankees.

    Minutes after the home run, the Red Sox announced the route for their world championship parade, which will begin by going through the Ted Williams tunnel and end by going through Bill Buckner's legs.

    Ben Affleck, Matt Damon
    "We adopted a kid, how do you like them apples?"
    While Cubs manager Dusty Baker said he will go with Kerry Wood in Game 7, Little announced that his Game 7 starter will be Pedro or Denny Galehouse.

    "But I think I'll go with Pedro. He's our ace," Little explained. "He's the best guy I have and I think he has enough gas left in his tank. Besides, he'll have all winter to rest."

    Meanwhile, with both teams one victory from a world championship, Lucifer kicked Uday and Qusay Hussein out of Hell to relieve the massive overcrowding that has resulted from the glaciers advancing into the farthest reaches of the underworld.

    GAME 7, SUNDAY, OCT. 26
    BOSTON --World Series history was finally made in Game 7 tonight, when Tim McCarver was silent for five minutes, three of them consecutive.

    In an attempt to break the Curse of the Bambino, the Red Sox invited Babe Ruth's daughter to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. As she slowly made her way onto the mound with a walker, Pedro picked her up and slammed her to the ground.

    And then the game began. The Red Sox took an early 1-0 lead with a play eerily similar to the Ed Armbrister-Carlton Fisk play in the 1975 World Series. This time, the Red Sox benefited when Todd Walker was able to score after umpire Tim McClelland called Cubs fan Steve Bartman for catcher's interference.

    With the Sox still leading and hoping that the game would be over as soon as the fat lady sang, Red Sox minority owner and TV executive Tom Werner invited Roseanne to perform "God Bless America" during the seventh-inning stretch. Sadly for Boston fans, such was not the case. With two out in the bottom of the ninth, two strikes, nobody on base and the Cubs going through security at Logan Airport for their flight home, Sammy Sosa homered off the Citgo sign to tie the game 1-1 and bring on extra innings.

    The game went into the 13th inning. Little stayed with Pedro and Baker stayed with Wood.

    Dusty Baker
    With fire and brimstone raining from the sky, Baker sticks with Wood.
    The game went into the 17th inning. Little stayed with Pedro and Baker stayed with Wood.

    The game went into the 22nd inning. Little stayed with Pedro and Baker stayed with Wood.

    As the game entered the 28th inning with the score tied 34-34, a meteorite struck Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger in Sacramento, California, prompting an enraged Manny Ramirez to charge the mound. The oceans emptied their basins and flooded the planet while a dust cloud circled the globe, lowering worldwide temperatures 30 degrees, killing all crops, causing massive starvation and bringing on the near extinction of the human species.

    With Final Judgment nigh, Red Sox fans used their final breaths to chant "Yankees suck!!!" while Cubs fans asked how the world's end would affect delivery of their unemployment checks. And after groundskeeper Paul Williams covered the field with a tarp, the apocalyptic prophesies of Revelation 6:8 came true when Fox cameras showed the figure of Death, plus "Arrested Development" star Jeffrey Tambor, riding across the sky on a pale horse, followed closely by Babe Ruth's ghost on a smelly goat.

    Little stayed with Pedro and Dusty stayed with Wood.

    Jim Caple is a senior writer for



    Jim Caple Archive

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