Ready, aim ... fire!
Page 2 staff

Tony Dungy made the playoffs four times in the last five seasons. Marty Schottenheimer won eight of his final 11 games. Dennis Green brought the Vikings to within one game of the Super Bowl twice, including last season. George Seifert has won the Super Bowl twice.

All four have been sent to the unemployment line this month. So if anyone can be fired in the NFL -- at anytime, no matter how strong their record might be -- Page 2 figures it's time to just can all 31 coaches and start over.

After all, you can find at least one reason to fire every single coach in professional football. For example ...

NFC WEST

Mike Martz
"Excuse me, Mike, can you explain page 792 of the playbook to me?"
St. Louis Rams: The Sierra Club is now picketing Rams' home games and conservation-minded owner Georgia Frontierre is upset over the number of trees cut down to produce the paper to print Mike Martz's sizeable playbook. ... Martz is too arrogant and not as good-looking as Brian Billick.

San Francisco 49ers: In the birthplace of the West Coast Offense, Steve Mariucci had the gall to install a dull offense that is too run-oriented. ... Terrell Owens would certainly be happier -- for at least a day or two.

New Orleans Saints: If you saw either of the Saints' last two games, you don't need any other reasons. If you didn't, you should know that the overly emotional Jim Haslett looks a little too much like former 90210 wimp Ian Ziering to be taken seriously by his players.

Atlanta Falcons: Many Falcons players were a bit freaked out when Dan Reeves insisted on Zocor dispensers in the locker room (and if Reeves is no longer coaching, maybe we wouldn't have to see all those commercials for the heart medication on TV). ... Do we really want Michael Vick playing for the same coach who shackled John Elway?

Carolina Panthers: When Seifert came to Carolina, he had the best winning percentage in NFL history. When he left, the team had lost an NFL-record 15 straight games in one season. You think the new coach is going to do any better?


NFC CENTRAL

Mike Sherman
Mike Sherman has done absolutely nothing to stop the incredibly dangerous "Lambeau Leap."
Chicago Bears: It's hard to find a reason to not like Dick Jauron, who turned the Bears from laughingstocks into a 13-3 powerhouse. But then again, we're pretty sure that Jerry Angelo will find one.

Green Bay Packers: Mike Sherman seems to have lost control of his players, who are always jumping into the stands, endangering the good folks of Green Bay. ... And what about that phony sack that Brett Favre arranged to throw Michael Strahan's way? St. Vince would have had a fit -- or worse.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Everyone knows that Bill Parcells is eventually going to quit anyway. But until he does, do you really think his offense will be any more exciting than Tony Dungy's?

Minnesota Vikings: One of the first moves by Mike Tice was to hire coaching pariah George O'Leary as his right-hand man. So, do you think that duo will be able to motivate Randy Moss?

Detroit Lions: Nobody can spell Marty Mornhinweg without first looking it up.


NFC EAST

Jim Fassel
It's time for Jim Fassel to finally cash in his chips.
Philadelphia Eagles: It's the City of Brotherly Love, where they booed Mike Schmidt and Santa Claus. So, if he's so great, why hasn't Andy Reid done anything about this? "Boooooo!!!!" we say. "Throw the bum out!"

Washington Redskins: He has been on the job for just one day, and yet Steve Spurrier is already one of the most hated coaches in the NFL. ... We can't stand the concept of there being a coach who's even more arrogant than Brian Billick. ... We also can't stand the thought of not seeing Spurrier and Bobby Bowden clash every fall. ... Daniel Snyder will fire him next January anyway.

New York Giants: From Patrick Ewing to that annoying guy on the Men's Warehouse commercials, we're sick of anyone who offers "guarantees." So, don't bother pushing your chips to the middle of the table, Jim Fassel. It's time for you to fold.

Arizona Cardinals: Dave McGinnis is on the verge of turning the Cardinals into contenders -- and that will simply be way too confusing for longtime followers of the NFL.

Dallas Cowboys: The strings running from Dave Campo's shoulders to Jerry Jones' hands are starting to wear out.


AFC WEST

Jon Gruden
Jon Gruden's language on the sideline sets a poor example for today's youth.
Oakland Raiders: Jon Gruden can't seem to stop himself from dropping a constant stream of F-bombs on national TV, which makes him an extremely dangerous role model for American youth. ... At 38, he's too impressionable to deal maturely with denizens of the Black Hole -- and too young to make Jerry Rice, 39, listen to reason. ... He seems to have lost control of his defense at the worst possible time -- and he won't let Al Davis come to practice, or sit on the special teams' bench during games.

Seattle Seahawks: Mike Holmgren dissed Trent Dilfer, indicating an inability to learn from others' mistakes (see Billick, Brian). ... Seduced by the idea of even more power, Holmgren also has demanded to coach Paul Allen's Portland Trail Blazers in the NFL offseason.

Denver Broncos: It would make Al Davis happy to see Mike Shanahan out in the cold, and everybody in the NFL wants to make Al Davis happy. ... We can't get used to seeing Shanahan without John Elway, and the constant health problems of skill players like Brian Griese and Terrell Davis suggests the so-called genius does not pay enough attention to conditioning.

Kansas City Chiefs: The tissue budget is completely out of hand. ... Anybody who would leave the St. Louis Rams to coach this team should be locked up for his own good. ... And somebody needs to tell Dick Vermeil: "There is no crying in football!"

San Diego Chargers: Whoever the new coach is, fire him. Why sully another coach's résumé?


AFC CENTRAL

Bill Cowher
Bill Cowher is once again requiring that his players work into January.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Despite losing his best players to free agency, Bill Cowher has his team playing deep into January every year. This tires the players out and puts them at a serious competitive disadvantage during the preseason.

Baltimore Ravens: Brian Billick's personal mirror budget angered otherwise generous owner Art Modell. ... That smug look on Billick's face during in-game closeups caused President Bush, the leader of the Free World, to choke on a pretzel. ... Billick, who is too arrogant and not as good-looking as Mike Martz, showed a total lack of appreciation for Dilfer.

Cleveland Browns: As soon as Butch Davis left Miami, the 'Canes won a national title ("The Ewing Theory" in action). If fired immediately, he could provide the same boost for the Cleveland, which can always use some morale boosting.

Tennessee Titans: We know it's hard to coach a team named after a state instead of a city, but that's no excuse for turning a team that missed winning a Super Bowl by one lousy yard into a playoff also-ran in only two years. Jeff Fisher had his chance with the Music City Miracle two years ago, he failed to capitalize, and now ... like Elvis ... it's time to leave the building.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Tom Coughlin hasn't smiled since 1985.

Cincinnati Bengals: Dick LeBeau deserves a chance to coach for a management team that is trying to win.


AFC EAST

Bill Belichick
Bill Belichick's no-fun approach has got to go.
New England Patriots: Just say "no" ... as in Bill Belichick has no personality, no time for the media circus, no guarantees, no quotes with the word "diddly-poo" in them, no patience with misunderstood superstars such as Terry Glenn ... in other words, he's no fun.

Miami Dolphins: Dave Wannstedt should be ashamed of himself for entrusting this storied franchise of legends such as Don Shula, Dan Marino and Joe Robbie to a quarterback from Dartmouth. Yes, Dave, we know quarterbacks in the NFL are supposed to be smart, but not that way.

New York Jets: We could give Herm Edwards a pass on his dreadful time management "skills" ... if he hadn't hired Paul "2-Yard-Dump-Off-Pass-on-Third-and-Four" Hackett as offensive coordinator. Far-too-sunny disposition to please local radio talk-show callers.

Indianapolis Colts: No matter who the new coach is, there's no way he'll give soundbites as good as his predecessor. Plus, the new guy should immediately be fired for accepting money from people such as the Irsays.

Buffalo Bills: Rookie coach Gregg Williams couldn't keep chronically fragile quarterback Rob Johnson on the field, forcing the team to pay big bucks for Alex Van Pelt. ... He constantly overdresses for Buffalo's deceptively mild winters, giving the city a bad name with potential tourists.





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