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It might be considered an abuse of privilege, but I'd like to take advantage of this forum to say we don't need to hear anybody's "Rockin' Christmas," "Country Christmas," "Rappin' Christmas" or "Zydeco Christmas."
|  | | Is that George Steinbrenner lurking behind that clever disguise? |
Is there anybody out there who's going to wake up Christmas morning, adoringly take in the Nativity scene, gather the kids around the tree ... and start blaring Toby Keith's "Rudolph the Redneck Reindeer"? I didn't think so. Just the standards, please -- sung by the people who recorded them first, or best, or whatever it is that made us love them in the first place. So, here's a plea to all you cheesy artists contemplating a quick buck by preying by cranking out a half-assed Christmas CD:
DON'T!
It's Christmas, for Christ's sake!
Also, I'm calling you out, Toys R Us! Dyslexia is not to be made light of. You're a store for kids. A majority of those kids are just learning how to read and write. You've got toys all over the place that teach kids how to "say and spell," but the great big sign outside still has a backwards "R."
Fix that!
Maybe I'm just in a bad mood because the Yankees have stolen Christmas. That Grinch Steinbrenner did it again. He's got a heart three sizes too small, and a billfold three sizes too big. He's a mean one! And you know who's got every who's who in Who-ville celebrating Christmas early, while the rest of Major League Baseball unwraps a Magic 8 ball, and it reads: "Outlook Not So Good."
|  | | The Boss' wallet is three sizes too large. |
Forget antitrust, Scrooge is playing with Monopoly money. He's done it in our Christmas past -- and present -- and he'll do it in our Christmas future. Every year he makes his list, checks it twice ... and then gobbles up all the toys and goodies in his sleigh. And so I'm offering this simple phrase --although it has been said many times, many ways:
You stink!
Every day is Christmas in Yankeeland. Last year's toys aren't working so great? No problem. The Brosius, Knobby, O'Neill and Tino Action Figures have been replaced -- batteries included -- with the top-of-the-line stuff from this year.
Jason Giambi is like the hottest toy of any given year. He's the Tickle-Me Elmo, and if you dare tickle him, he won't giggle, but his eyes will bug out. He's the Smurf in pinstripes, the Cabbage Patch slugger with the hair to match. He's G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu grip, the Teletubby without the sexual ambiguity. He's Betsy-Wetsy!
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Their primary competition stood around at the winter meetings and got struck by some kind of mall malaise -- that zombie-like state that overcomes you when you realize you've been in the mall for four hours, you haven't bought anything, you don't know where your kids are and you need them to help you find your car. |
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And you can betsy-wetsy your Easy Bake Oven that Steinbrenner is once again He-Man and the Yankees are Masters of the Universe. And if Giambi is this year's Harry Potter, then Steve Karsay, John Vander Wal and Robin Ventura are nice little stocking stuffers. I think of Rondell White as Operation. Take out wrenched ankle, and he could be the toy Yankee fans learn to appreciate the most.
Still need a Clue about who stole Christmas? I'll tell you whodunit! It was George ... in the boardroom ... with a blank check!
I feel like Woody in Toy Story when Buzz Lightyear showed up: "To insanity and beyond!"
Bud Selig must be turning over in his grave. He died of embarrassment in front of the House Judiciary Committee talking about how escalating salaries are forcing teams to lose money at the exact same moment that Daddy Warbucks was out there singing, "It's A Hard Knocks Life," while raising his payroll upward of $147 million.
Yes, another championship has been gift-wrapped! All the Dominos have fallen into place. And not just because the Yankees are Hungry Hungry Hippos, but because their primary competition stood around at the winter meetings and got struck by some kind of mall malaise -- that zombie-like state that overcomes you when you realize you've been in the mall for four hours, you haven't bought anything, you don't know where your kids are and you need them to help you find your car. The Mariners, A's, Red Sox -- even the Braves and Diamondbacks -- are left scratching their collective Mr. Potato Heads looking like Yogi Berra working on the Rubik's Cube.
|  | | Once last year's Tino Martinez Action Figure began to wear out, the Yanks went out and bought the new Jason Giambi Line. |
While the Yankees were upgrading from PlayStation to PlayStation 2, the Mariners got a third basemen whose numbers inflate like a Hoppity Hop at Coors Field, and they still could lose their Shrinky Dink second baseman. The A's and their GM, Billy Beanie Baby, lost their heart and soul (Giambi) to the team that ripped out their hearts and stomped on their souls in the playoffs two years in a row. The Diamondbacks decided to stand pat. The Braves are silent.
The Mets are the only team making any noise, and that's because they've got Ants in their Pants trying to keep up with the rich kids on the block.
The Red Sox understand the spirit of Christmas, though. They know it's better to give than to receive. Sox fans will be home for Christmas ... unwrapping Darren Oliver! Oliver?! Please, sir, I want some more!
Consider yourself part of the family ... Tony Clark?! Thanks very much, Uncle Dan. You didn't happen to save the receipt, did you? Just what is the return policy on the Island of Misfit Toys? That kid down the street is riding a shiny, new Giambi-cycle with Rondell White and Steve Karsay baseball cards in the spokes, and every other kid in the neighborhood got Candy Land --which, by the way, is the game they play on the bottom floor of hell. It takes forever to get to the top and then you flip over the card with that little, purple gum drop, and you're starting all over again. It's torture -- not unlike watching the Yankees occasionally wobble, but never fall down!
Baseball's got Trouble. And Steinbrenner says Sorry. That's the Game of Life. Well, guess what George -- You Sunk My Battleship!
If we were playing Scrabble, the wooden tiles in my trough would be: Y-A-K-E-E-N-S-S-K-C. With any luck there'd be a "U" on the board, and I could get a double-word score for using all my letters.
Bob Halloran is an anchorman for ESPNEWS.
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MR. GRINCH |  |
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