Investigation: Ted's missing DNA
By Graham Hays
Page 2 staff

An Arizona cryogenics company has reportedly misplaced eight samples of Ted Williams' DNA, and where there's smoke -- or in this case, liquid nitrogen -- there's fire. Page 2 thinks the missing samples were more likely spirited away than "misplaced," and we've done a little digging into potential suspects. Who would want to steal DNA from arguably the greatest pure hitter in baseball history? Plenty of people. Consider this our own little version of "8 Heads in a Duffel Bag," sans Joe Pesci.

Charlie Sheen
Motive: Until now, Sheen has been a strictly legitimate baseball memorabilia collector, although he seems to have a strange fascination with locking up the misery of Boston fans. Sheen paid $94,000 for the ball that went through Bill Buckner's legs, $225,000 for Babe Ruth's 1927 World Series ring and a considerable chunk of change for one of the contracts from the sale of Ruth to the Yankees.

Denise Richards, Charlie Sheen
Charlie and wife Denise Richards reportedly want kids, but that could be a coverup for the "test tube" baby made from Ted's DNA.

Clearly, it's a collection that just wouldn't be complete without the DNA of Boston's greatest player. But would Sheen really resort to such nefarious means? Well, it's not like the actor is any stranger to police blotters or courtrooms, and starring in "Scary Movie 3" can't exactly be filling his bank account. All we can say for now is: Bucky Dent had better watch himself.

George Steinbrenner
Motive: Who has better reason to antagonize the Red Sox faithful than Steinbrenner? He normally torments New England by buying championships, but Steinbrenner is feeling the heat after failed investments in players like Raul Mondesi and Jose Conteras that have left the Yankees moderately vulnerable. And while Joe Torre's first choice might have been requisitioning the DNA of Rollie Fingers or Goose Gossage, Steinbrenner has extra incentive to stick it to Boston. From Theo Epstein's comments about the "Evil Empire" to Pedro Martinez's yapping, the Red Sox have been grating on the Boss' nerves.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, which is exactly the temperature blood will run in Boston when the Yankees trot out a clone of No. 9 -- raised in secrecy in the team's Florida training compound -- in pinstripes for the 2023 season.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck
Motive: They didn't look like criminal masterminds in "Gigli" -- other than stealing money from moviegoers -- but Hollywood's Hot Couple have ample reason to want Williams' DNA. After all, Williams produced 2,654 hits in a career that was twice interrupted by military service, and he showed a flair for Hollywood endings by homering in his final at-bat. Surely he can help Lopez and Affleck come up with just one measly box-office hit, something they're likely to still desire even after the upcoming release of "Jersey Girl."

Detroit Tigers
Motive: Alan Trammell's club has scored just 392 runs in their first 117 games this season, making even the Dodgers look like a slow-pitch softball team. If offense sells tickets, J-Lo and Ben have nothing on guys like Alex Sanchez and Eric Munson. With attendance dwindling at sparkling Comerica Park and a farm system with less talent than an "Real World" reunion, something had to give. Plus, any number of Tigers could have called on former teammate Randall Simon to do the dirty work if a security guard needed a tap upside the head.

Pete Rose
Pete's tenacity + Ted's swing = greatest player ever.

Pete Rose
Motive: If he can't get to Cooperstown himself, at least Rose can get part of the genetic code for someone who is enshrined. Rose's initial forays into genetics were unsuccessful -- see Pete Rose Jr.'s baseball career -- but the old man was nothing if not persistent as a player. Like Dr. Mephisto on South Park, Rose may gradually be descending into madness induced by his banishment from the game. With a combination of Williams' DNA and his own DNA, Rose could create an army of hitters capable of destroying the game that ruined his life ... or maybe he just needs something new to hawk on QVC.

Gray Davis
Motive: California's governor needs all the help he can get, and celebrity clearly carries a lot of weight in Golden State politics. Facing a stiff recall election challenge from Arnold Schwarzenegger -- not to mention Gary Coleman and Angeline -- and possessing all the charisma of a corpse, Davis' campaign needs a fresh face.

Who better to rally the body politic than San Diego native, war hero and baseball legend Ted Williams? But while Davis has won elections looking like the walking dead, he needs more than Williams' severed head -- accidentally cracked 10 times according to reports-- to beat the recall. And even if Davis loses, imagine how much the studios will pay for the rights to "Total Recall 2: The Terminator vs. The Splendid Splinter."

Morris Engleberg
Motive: Joe DiMaggio's attorney and business manager published his DiMaggio memoirs following the baseball player's death, so why let a little thing like death stand in the way of repeating the formula? And with most of the game's other living legends in relatively good health, Engelberg couldn't wait for Frank Robinson or Reggie Jackson to kick the bucket. Turn a little DNA into a clone and suddenly Engelberg is talking seven-figure advances for "Tuesdays with Ted."

Ted Kennedy
Motive: Actually, the Bay Stater just had a little too much to drink one night and thought it might be a good gag to bring Williams' DNA back to Massachusetts. Unfortunately, the samples are now lost forever beneath the waters of the Chappaquiddick.

Graham Hays writes 'Out of the Box,' the inside scoop on yesterday's box scores, five days a week.


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