MIT has its engineering. Harvard has its economics. Cornell has its hotel administration. And Ohio State has its physical education.

	A master of flag football, Maurice Clarett might be struggling with the advanced concepts of dodge ball.

Just five years after a golf class threatened to derail Andy Katzenmoyer's eligibility, another Ohio State football player -- of sorts -- is struggling with what must be the nation's toughest P.E. department. Maurice Clarett is reportedly failing a physical education (i.e. gym) course, in addition to an African-American studies course, making his return to the football team in 2004 even more unlikely.

While many will lampoon Clarett for living up to the stereotype of overprivileged, unmotivated athletes, we feel for the young man. The real question here is how American's educational system can continue to fail to meet the needs of its student-athletes? What litany of abuses must have taken place for Clarett to slip through the cracks, apparently unequipped to handle the most basic versions of dodge ball, capture the flag and square dancing?

We must consider the current predicament before pondering possible solutions. Using our best operatives -- craftily disguised as the guy dotting the "i" in Ohio during the halftime show -- Page 2 landed an exclusive copy of Clarett's report card for the fall semester.

Physical Education (credits: 3) Class participation: F Homework: C Exams: F

F

Instructor's notes: Maurice demonstrates remarkable natural ability in the subject, but he refuses to live up to the course requirements. Notably, Maurice does not interact well with other students in the class and does not appear to recognize his own strength. While playing flag football in a recent lab exercise, he broke the jaw of one of the math department's teaching assistants with a completely unnecessary stiff arm -- the astronomy major playing tight end clearly would have picked up the block had Maurice just kept running.

African-American Studies (credits: 4) Class participation: D Homework: D- Exams: F

F

Instructor's notes: I have not witnessed a student as uninterested in the subject since teaching a young John Ashcroft at Yale. Maurice walked out in the middle of the first exam without handing in his paper, showing not even the slightest willingness to copy the answers from the scholarship student blackmailed by the athletic department and seated in the aisle next to him. In fact, Maurice only avoided receiving failing marks in class participation by allowing the psychology department to use him for their research on napping.

Torts (credits: 4) Class participation: C Homework: B+ Exams: N/A

B-

Instructor's notes: Maurice was a latecomer to the class, but rarely have I seen an undergraduate student as intent on learning the nuances of torts and what types of civil wrongs constitute grounds for a lawsuit. While he seemed to have an extreme fascination with the regulatory bodies governing public institutions of higher learning, Maurice's constant barrage of questions were a welcome addition to lecture. His final project, arguing that a final exam was an undue infringement on his future earning power was brilliantly worded, and I happily excused him from the final as a result. I'm disappointed Maurice isn't considering a career in the legal profession, but I wish him well with whatever future appearances he makes in a courtroom.

Accounting (credits: 4) Class participation: C Homework: F Exams: D-

D

Instructor's notes: It is unfortunate the student never appeared to grasp the fundamental concepts behind introductory accounting -- namely that it be used for measuring the value of items that actually exist. I was quite pleased with his initial homework assignment, a complete list of all personal items and effects that might need to be insured, until remembering that I had seen the Mona Lisa on a recent visit to Paris. Further checking revealed Mr. Clarett was not, in fact, in personal possession of the Hope Diamond, Fort Knox, a Stradivarius violin and five of the six Hummer vehicles listed. I recommend Mr. Clarett consider future courses in creative writing.

While Clarett endured a sophomore slump in the classroom this fall, he's not quitting. Percy Squire, an attorney on Clarett's legal team, says the student-athlete plans on enrolling in winter-quarter classes.

Since Page 2 never found a college offering a major in stalking Anna Kournikova, we were forced to scramble for courses relevant to our professional goals when pursuing our own degrees. Our exhaustive study of course syllabi at a variety of institutions of higher learning -- trumped only by our knowledge of local beer prices -- leaves us in a good position to assist Clarett in shaping a class schedule more conducive to his particular skills.

	I think ... therefore I deserve a spot on an NFL roster.

Because as we demonstrate on a daily basis, if we can get through college, anyone can.

We recommend the following:

Psychology 321: Id-iot's guide to Freud
Our key to surviving distribution requirements? Focus on a subject with which you're intimately familiar. For us, that meant finding a science course on the nature of personal horticulture in cold climates. For Clarett, it's a course on studying the glory that is ... Maurice Clarett. Understanding Freud's three-pronged psychoanalytic theory of the ego, id and super-ego should be a breeze for today's star athlete, who spends far more time thinking about himself than any 19th century Austrian with a fondness for incest. He'll even get extra credit for writing papers about himself in the third person.

Greek Mythology 312: Taking hubris for granted
If he's going to stay awake in class, Clarett might as well learn a few things. And while it's more likely he'll run across the term hubris as a result of having a Jewish teammate who names his son Hugh, he could learn a thing or two from the ancient Greeks. Mortals in the ancient world were forever running afoul of the gods as a result of their (warning: dictionary definition ahead) overbearing pride or arrogance. And while Terrell Owens is evidence that the residents of Mt. Olympus are clearly asleep at the switch these days, it's better safe than sorry for Clarett.

Comparative Religions: Religions of Star Trek
No joke, this course was actually offered at Muhlenberg College. What's the attraction for a football player for whom a "Klingon" is defined as one of the many people awaiting his first professional signing bonus? One word: nerds. With a course roster littered with the less socially adept members of the campus, Clarett should have no problem finding study partners willing to finish more than their fair share of the work, because ... well, because it's Star Trek. Plus, Clarett would be able to offer a refreshing change of pace when thanking any number of galactic deities in his next postgame interview.

International Studies 310: Canadian Real Estate
A practical necessity for a guy who has gone from Heisman lock to NFL afterthought. Mel Kiper hasn't started making the references just yet, but Clarett is falling off the football radar. And since salaries in the CFL don't live up to what incoming freshman recruits get from major college programs, Clarett can't afford to get taken to the cleaners by some shifty Saskatoon real estate agent. Our recommendation: double-paned windows. It gets a little cold in Saskatchewan in the winter.

Graham Hays writes "Out of the Box" five days a week in-between moonlighting for Page 2. He can be reached at graham.hays@espn3.com.